daughter has BPD diagnosis, spouse exhibits symptoms of a PD

[am.h]

Good Morning:

I have been married ( for the 2nd time) for 13 years to a man who I strongly suspect has some type of personality disorder. He is verbally abusive, emotionally immature and drinks daily. He has many physical problems that he justifies self-medicating with beer.He is intolerant of any views or opinions that differ from his own and quite bigoted toward cultures different than his own ( Indian ) and non heterosexuals. He hid many of these traits when I first met him, or perhaps I was not wise enough to see them for what they were. Maybe a little of both. He is extremely jealous of any time or attention that I give to my 22 year old daughter ( formally diagnosed BPD ). She does not live with us and we have a fairly good relationship. She has been through DBT therapy and I have attended group sessions for family members. I am hopeful that our relationship will continue to grow positively as time goes on. It is the relationship with my husband that I have pretty much given up on ever giving me what I know I want and deserve. I no longer love him. I have asked to separate and he refuses. We own property together. I cant just move out without financial consequences that I cant afford and continue to help my daughter ( a university student ) as well.  I am working on myself, trying not to react to his negativity as much, however, some days I really feel alone in the struggle. Sorry for such a lengthy intro. Believe me when I say there's lots more I havent said... .phew! Thanks for indulging me here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello am.h 

I'm glad you found us here at bpdfamily.

I am going to post a link to get you started on reading around the subject of BPD, although it sounds like you are taking some positive steps with both your h and daughter in managing and understanding aspects of this illness.

Here is the link, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913188#msg913188

I would also suggest posting on the Legal boards there are some amazing people over there who can help you with issues around property and finances if you decide you really want to leave. And even if you don't it can be really useful knowing that you are better equipped to deal with all associated aspects that can come up when dealing with BPD.

There is also a Parenting board, for parents with children who have BPD, I'm sure your experience would be really valuable to other parents over there as I can hear from your post that you have managed to build and maintain a positive relationship with your daughter.

Let us know how you get on, as you say your post is just a start and you have lots more to tell us. There will always be like minded people here ready to listen. 

[am.h]

Hi Sweetheart:

Thanks for your reply and for the link you sent. I live in Toronto Ontario and have had access to CAMH ( Centre for Addictions and Mental Health ) as a resource for Loving a Borderliner ( my daughter ). She is not the issue, my husband is.

While he displays many symptoms of a personality disorder of some kind, I am the first to say that I am certainly not a doctor and am not trying to diagnose him. I just know what life is like living under the same roof as someone who does not think rationally, and is almost impossible to have a mature, adult conversation with. He constantly brings up things that have happened 10 or more years ago, has something negative to say about anyone I know and speaks very badly about my deceased parents. I no longer engage in these circular conversations with him as they really just go on and on with never an ending or a resolution in sight. I got tired of him always telling me that I wasnt a "real member' of his birth family to the point that I said "you know what? Youre right" and I changed my name back to my maiden name. For all intents and purposes we are separated but living under the same roof. I have a paper husband only.

I have done the best I can in making a life for myself and I continue to do that. I do things that I want to do, see people that I want to see, continue to work on improving my relationship with my daughter, as does she and I never, ever, ever make excuses or apologise for his racist,bigoted comments to anyone. He is who he is, nothing more. Once I started to accept that he is most likely mentally ill in some way it became easier for me to stop trying to fix a marriage that cant be fixed because he does not see the need for himself to change or seek any kind of counseling. The only thing I would desperately like to change is my living situation but as I aid earlier he refuses to separate or sell the home that we both own, both names are on title.

I have been advised by lawyers that I can force his hand but that will cost me money that is not readily available at this time and I can be sure that he would try to drag out any proceedings that I might initiate. To move out is not financially an option either as I have also been told that I would still be held responsible for my half of the mortgage etc as my name is also on that.

Do I just wait it out in the hope that he will eventually find someone else to put up with his crap or that he becomes so ill from his lack of self-care that his health sets me free?

[an0ught]

Hi am.h

Do I just wait it out in the hope that he will eventually find someone else to put up with his crap or that he becomes so ill from his lack of self-care that his health sets me free?

You sound quite frustrated and without any hope for things getting better  .

It is good that you are taking good care of yourself. You can't fix him and not trying to fix him saves you energy you can use for better stuff.

What helps a lot - with H and daughter whether they are in therapy or not - is the framework outlined in the LESSONS post at the top. It complements DBT in many ways. Learning how to avoid invalidation (toxic triggers), validation (calming), SET (speaking about facts without fear of triggering) and boundaries (ensuring consequences without becoming controlling) has value in any case. Unfortunately reading is not enough, we call them workshops for a reason - learning skills takes time and practice. They are all valuable life and relationship skills so even if you would break up at some future time you still would benefit from the effort put in now.



a0