My sad, but so common, story...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here is my story... .from what I've read, so similar to many of you... .

My ex.partner suffers from depression and from BPD, neither of which I was aware of when meeting him.  The man I met was sweet, loving, shy and extremely caring - he was also very unhappily married and looking for a way out.  I, in hindsight, was that way out.

He had a very hard time separating from his now ex-wife, who was very controlling and treated him more like a possession which she'd acquired than a man.  His self-esteem at the time was at an all-time low... .he was lonely, didn't have many friends to speak of and very much "controlled" by the routine set in his marriage.

In his final attempt at leaving home, he'd moved into a very small flat, with really poor conditions.  This I found out later was his ex-father-in-law's doing - to make him see and punish him for leaving his daughter and their very comfortable lifestyle.  He gave up everything - a beautiful house, a guaranteed job in the family business, EVERYTHING... .this to me, was proof that he did in fact love me.  He suffered a great deal with his physically & verbally abusive wife and she used his children as weapons to attack him further.  This was a man who very much loved his children... .and they were the only thing that had kept him in the marriage - he'd told me from the outset.

To cut a long story short, he tried to commit suicide while he was living in that small flat, and this because he could not deal with all the pressure from family, in-laws, wife and children - he felt trapped and very much alone - with only me to support him.  He ended up in ICU, in a coma for 3 days, and miraculously came out of it unscathed, physically.  He was then transferred to psychiatric ward and stayed there for over a week, recovering and being medicated.  Upon leaving the hospital, his family were now more sympathetic to his plight and were finally coming round to understanding how deeply unhappy he was.  That was the day he moved in with me.  After 7 months struggling to get out of his unhappy relationship, he'd managed.

I supported him through the 2 months of therapy he underwent - going to the hospital everyday and having group therapy sessions from 9am till 4pm.  Throughout this time, we were happy.  I felt him getting stronger, I saw he'd picked up coping mechanisms to deal with the stress the ex-wife was still inflicting on him... .but he now had support from his family, the group therapy and his doctors, and me.  The divorce became final... .we were finally free to enjoy our future together.  Not... .

I'd started noticing a few changes in his behaviour - little lies here and there, omissions, his need to keep our relationship a "secret" from his therapists and fellow group members... .(I suspected it at the time, but I wasn't sure).  These things began to eat at my self-esteem and self-worth - and I felt like I was being set up for his eventual departure... .  We'd have a few minor arguments - and he left my home twice, going back to his parents', but we would make up within 1 or 2 days - it was never very long as at that time - we both couldn't stand being apart, we texted and called each other incessantly throughout the day - and I always felt we were connected, even when apart.  I did warn him though that if he left again, after an argument, that would be it.  I could not handle his sudden, impulsive departures and this played with my own feelings of abandonment. 

The third time, coincidently, I was the one who told him to leave... .I'd discovered that during one of our fights and his stay at his parents - he'd sent texts to a strange number after midnight - which I immediately discovered was a "transvestite".  He claims he'd smoke hash that night because his head was spinning and he couldn't relax because we'd fought - so the combination of smoking hash and his meds, led him to look at porn sites - of all kinds - I lost it. 

He moved back in with his parents but immediately apologised to me and tried to explain everything.  We did make up and I did forgive him, but I was in no hurry to have him back under my roof.  I told him the door was open - if and when he felt ready to come back.  What I hadn't counted on was that perhaps he'd already decided he didn't want to come back... .

We continued seeing each other, meeting up and going out - but something had changed.  He began to distance himself.  The texting and calling decreased dramatically and I began feeling like I was being ignored.  We were growing apart - despite the good last weekend we shared, where everything between us felt "normal" and he even slept over.  The next day, all hell broke loose.  Calls from his parents and sister who were none too pleased at a possible "reconciliation" between us.  To this day, I don't know what was said, or why the sudden shift - all I know is that from that day on, he told me he "needed time and space" to work things out, figure out what to do.  I accepted it.  The next day, he sends me a text which seemed like all was ok again... .but then I heard nothing more from him for 5 days.  I called him one Sunday evening and asked him what was going on.  He replied that he'd asked me for "time and space" - and I said I had given him that - but would like to know what exactly he needed to think about - was it our relationship, what he needed to sort out in his life - job, etc, - I told him it wasn't fair to leave me in the dark like that, hanging.  He agreed/promised to call me the following day and we'd meet up to talk things out.  I waited all day for the call, only to receive a message late in the evening with an excuse as to why he couldn't meet me that day, but if I didn't mind, we'd meet the following day.  Again, I lost it.  I'd had enough.  I called him and told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't have the guts to face me and tell me it was over, I'd do it for him.  As far as I was concerned, we were done - he now had all the "time and space" in the world to resolve his problems.  He did try to dissuade me on the phone, but I was too hurt and upset to let him manipulate me.  I asked he return my phone ( an iphone I'd lent him) as soon as possible and I'd give him some of his things he'd left behind. 

He came over that night - I didn't say a word to him, he returned my phone, I gave him his things - he tried to say something, but I just walked away, back into the house, turning my back on him.  I cried and cried.  He hadn't even tried to work things out.  So began "No contact".  He did send me a birthday text which was surreal, as it sounded like nothing had changed between us and he missed me very much - yet, I'd heard nothing from him in days.  I replied much later in the evening with a simple "Thank you" - I felt it was just the polite thing to do. 

I then sent him a text I'd received on his old number from the hospital reminding him of his psychiatry consultation - I copied and emailed it to him, as I didn't have his new cell number - which he obviously didn't want to share with me.  I also forwarded the message to his sister - to her number - but to my sadness and dismay - neither one had the decency to even acknowledge my gesture, let alone say thanks.

He's basically cut off all contact with me - has moved on with his life and to this day - I have no closure.  Even though I broke up, he pushed me to the point where it was the only thing I could do.  I was not prepared to have a man in my life who ignored me for days on end - without so much as an explanation as to why he was doing it. 

It's been over a month since the break-up, I've only seen him once - and he "ran away".  He saw me, hoped I hadn't seen him, and left.  I was livid and blasted an email to him, knowing full well, he'd read it on his iphone the moment he got it.  I said it was sad he couldn't even face me... .what had I done to deserve this?  I wasn't expecting a reply, but this time - he blasted me with - I'd humiliated and embarrassed him, not to mention expel him from my home and "abandoned" him.  He felt it was better for him not to see me at all as it hurt too much... .  He wished me well and hoped I was happy. 

I replied with, "I see you've had plenty of time to "think" things through... .if your conscience is clean, so is mine.  Be happy."

I still can't believe it.  He pushes me away, ignores me, did things which led to this and blames everything on me.  I abandoned him?  He's made NO attempt to approach me, talk to me, work things out - he ran when he saw me... .surely this is not a man who wants to make amends and reconcile. 

I'm deeply saddened by all of this because, I do still love him very much, but I've come to the conclusion that he's much sicker than I'd ever imagined.  I can't help him, he's not willing to accept his part in the break up... .he's not making any attempt to get better, even though he's medicated and seeing a therapist.

What kills me the most is how someone who professed his undying love to me on a daily basis, for months on end, in every text and phone call - can just stop - as if flicking a switch, and be so cold and distant.  What happened has my head spinning and I'm not in a very good place.  As hard as I try to "move on" and forget, not a day goes by that I don't think about him - all the time... .and hold onto the hope that he'll snap out of it and come back... .

I wish it didn't hurt so much... .I feel like my heart has been blown up into tiny pieces and I can't ever get back what I was or had... .

[wilting_rose]

Here is my story... .from what I've read, so similar to many of you... .

My ex.partner suffers from depression and from BPD, neither of which I was aware of when meeting him.  The man I met was sweet, loving, shy and extremely caring - he was also very unhappily married and looking for a way out.  I, in hindsight, was that way out.

He had a very hard time separating from his now ex-wife, who was very controlling and treated him more like a possession which she'd acquired than a man.  His self-esteem at the time was at an all-time low... .he was lonely, didn't have many friends to speak of and very much "controlled" by the routine set in his marriage.

In his final attempt at leaving home, he'd moved into a very small flat, with really poor conditions.  This I found out later was his ex-father-in-law's doing - to make him see and punish him for leaving his daughter and their very comfortable lifestyle.  He gave up everything - a beautiful house, a guaranteed job in the family business, EVERYTHING... .this to me, was proof that he did in fact love me.  He suffered a great deal with his physically & verbally abusive wife and she used his children as weapons to attack him further.  This was a man who very much loved his children... .and they were the only thing that had kept him in the marriage - he'd told me from the outset.

To cut a long story short, he tried to commit suicide while he was living in that small flat, and this because he could not deal with all the pressure from family, in-laws, wife and children - he felt trapped and very much alone - with only me to support him.  He ended up in ICU, in a coma for 3 days, and miraculously came out of it unscathed, physically.  He was then transferred to psychiatric ward and stayed there for over a week, recovering and being medicated.  Upon leaving the hospital, his family were now more sympathetic to his plight and were finally coming round to understanding how deeply unhappy he was.  That was the day he moved in with me.  After 7 months struggling to get out of his unhappy relationship, he'd managed.

I supported him through the 2 months of therapy he underwent - going to the hospital everyday and having group therapy sessions from 9am till 4pm.  Throughout this time, we were happy.  I felt him getting stronger, I saw he'd picked up coping mechanisms to deal with the stress the ex-wife was still inflicting on him... .but he now had support from his family, the group therapy and his doctors, and me.  The divorce became final... .we were finally free to enjoy our future together.  Not... .

I'd started noticing a few changes in his behaviour - little lies here and there, omissions, his need to keep our relationship a "secret" from his therapists and fellow group members... .(I suspected it at the time, but I wasn't sure).  These things began to eat at my self-esteem and self-worth - and I felt like I was being set up for his eventual departure... .  We'd have a few minor arguments - and he left my home twice, going back to his parents', but we would make up within 1 or 2 days - it was never very long as at that time - we both couldn't stand being apart, we texted and called each other incessantly throughout the day - and I always felt we were connected, even when apart.  I did warn him though that if he left again, after an argument, that would be it.  I could not handle his sudden, impulsive departures and this played with my own feelings of abandonment. 

The third time, coincidently, I was the one who told him to leave... .I'd discovered that during one of our fights and his stay at his parents - he'd sent texts to a strange number after midnight - which I immediately discovered was a "transvestite".  He claims he'd smoke hash that night because his head was spinning and he couldn't relax because we'd fought - so the combination of smoking hash and his meds, led him to look at porn sites - of all kinds - I lost it. 

He moved back in with his parents but immediately apologised to me and tried to explain everything.  We did make up and I did forgive him, but I was in no hurry to have him back under my roof.  I told him the door was open - if and when he felt ready to come back.  What I hadn't counted on was that perhaps he'd already decided he didn't want to come back... .

We continued seeing each other, meeting up and going out - but something had changed.  He began to distance himself.  The texting and calling decreased dramatically and I began feeling like I was being ignored.  We were growing apart - despite the good last weekend we shared, where everything between us felt "normal" and he even slept over.  The next day, all hell broke loose.  Calls from his parents and sister who were none too pleased at a possible "reconciliation" between us.  To this day, I don't know what was said, or why the sudden shift - all I know is that from that day on, he told me he "needed time and space" to work things out, figure out what to do.  I accepted it.  The next day, he sends me a text which seemed like all was ok again... .but then I heard nothing more from him for 5 days.  I called him one Sunday evening and asked him what was going on.  He replied that he'd asked me for "time and space" - and I said I had given him that - but would like to know what exactly he needed to think about - was it our relationship, what he needed to sort out in his life - job, etc, - I told him it wasn't fair to leave me in the dark like that, hanging.  He agreed/promised to call me the following day and we'd meet up to talk things out.  I waited all day for the call, only to receive a message late in the evening with an excuse as to why he couldn't meet me that day, but if I didn't mind, we'd meet the following day.  Again, I lost it.  I'd had enough.  I called him and told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't have the guts to face me and tell me it was over, I'd do it for him.  As far as I was concerned, we were done - he now had all the "time and space" in the world to resolve his problems.  He did try to dissuade me on the phone, but I was too hurt and upset to let him manipulate me.  I asked he return my phone ( an iphone I'd lent him) as soon as possible and I'd give him some of his things he'd left behind. 

He came over that night - I didn't say a word to him, he returned my phone, I gave him his things - he tried to say something, but I just walked away, back into the house, turning my back on him.  I cried and cried.  He hadn't even tried to work things out.  So began "No contact".  He did send me a birthday text which was surreal, as it sounded like nothing had changed between us and he missed me very much - yet, I'd heard nothing from him in days.  I replied much later in the evening with a simple "Thank you" - I felt it was just the polite thing to do. 

I then sent him a text I'd received on his old number from the hospital reminding him of his psychiatry consultation - I copied and emailed it to him, as I didn't have his new cell number - which he obviously didn't want to share with me.  I also forwarded the message to his sister - to her number - but to my sadness and dismay - neither one had the decency to even acknowledge my gesture, let alone say thanks.

He's basically cut off all contact with me - has moved on with his life and to this day - I have no closure.  Even though I broke up, he pushed me to the point where it was the only thing I could do.  I was not prepared to have a man in my life who ignored me for days on end - without so much as an explanation as to why he was doing it. 

It's been over a month since the break-up, I've only seen him once - and he "ran away".  He saw me, hoped I hadn't seen him, and left.  I was livid and blasted an email to him, knowing full well, he'd read it on his iphone the moment he got it.  I said it was sad he couldn't even face me... .what had I done to deserve this?  I wasn't expecting a reply, but this time - he blasted me with - I'd humiliated and embarrassed him, not to mention expel him from my home and "abandoned" him.  He felt it was better for him not to see me at all as it hurt too much... .  He wished me well and hoped I was happy. 

I replied with, "I see you've had plenty of time to "think" things through... .if your conscience is clean, so is mine.  Be happy."

I still can't believe it.  He pushes me away, ignores me, did things which led to this and blames everything on me.  I abandoned him?  He's made NO attempt to approach me, talk to me, work things out - he ran when he saw me... .surely this is not a man who wants to make amends and reconcile. 

I'm deeply saddened by all of this because, I do still love him very much, but I've come to the conclusion that he's much sicker than I'd ever imagined.  I can't help him, he's not willing to accept his part in the break up... .he's not making any attempt to get better, even though he's medicated and seeing a therapist.

What kills me the most is how someone who professed his undying love to me on a daily basis, for months on end, in every text and phone call - can just stop - as if flicking a switch, and be so cold and distant.  What happened has my head spinning and I'm not in a very good place.  As hard as I try to "move on" and forget, not a day goes by that I don't think about him - all the time... .and hold onto the hope that he'll snap out of it and come back... .

I wish it didn't hurt so much... .I feel like my heart has been blown up into tiny pieces and I can't ever get back what I was or had... .

[once removed]

hey wilting_rose, and welcome to bpdfamily 

im really sorry all of this has happened to you, its a frightening amount for one person to take; but im very glad you found us. i see that youve read some stories here, so you can take comfort in knowing you are not alone. many members here can relate to your story.

"I'm deeply saddened by all of this because, I do still love him very much, but I've come to the conclusion that he's much sicker than I'd ever imagined.  I can't help him, he's not willing to accept his part in the break up... .he's not making any attempt to get better, even though he's medicated and seeing a therapist.

What kills me the most is how someone who professed his undying love to me on a daily basis, for months on end, in every text and phone call - can just stop - as if flicking a switch, and be so cold and distant.  What happened has my head spinning and I'm not in a very good place.  As hard as I try to "move on" and forget, not a day goes by that I don't think about him - all the time... .and hold onto the hope that he'll snap out of it and come back... .

I wish it didn't hurt so much... .I feel like my heart has been blown up into tiny pieces and I can't ever get back what I was or had... ."

BPD is a tragically sad mental illness. it tends to include a history of unstable close relationships, so it can be very hard on loved ones and romantic partners as well. when my breakup happened, i felt very similarly; as if a "switch" had been flicked off, i agonized over wondering if she even acknowledged my existence. its a surreal, and traumatic experience, and again, youve come to the right place to really work through this with others who can relate. try not to expect that you will "move on and forget" over night. you have been through a lot, your psyche has been through a lot, and it will take time to process those wounds. you may want to start with the links directly to the right.

you say youre not in a very good place, which is understandable. have you considered seeing a therapist?

im glad you found us wilting_rose. we are here for you 

[wilting_rose]

Thank you for the support... .I'm sitting here in tears, reading what you've kindly written and shared.  I know I can't expect to "move on and forget" overnight... .but it's been over a month and a half since the break-up and the pain has not lessened one bit.  I think about him constantly... .tears just well up in my eyes and I can't stop them from falling... .  It just hurts so much.

I have seen a therapist - in fact I started seeing one during our relationship when things started to go off... .it has helped to speak to someone about it.  And it's all very good that he tells me I'm an accomplished, intelligent, beautiful woman - it is my Ex's loss, not mine.  While that may be true on a practical level,  emotionally it doesn't resolve anything.  I understand he's sick... .I have read and researched enough to know "it's not about me" - it's him not being able to deal with his demons - but at the end of the day, I've lost the love of my life.  I've lost the man I fell so hard and deeply for - and I so desperately want him back.  I pray for him to get well... .I pray that one day he'll wake up and realise how much damage he's done and try to make amends - but I know the chances of that happening are slim. 

And so I cry... .I fall apart at the very thought of him... .I miss him and I miss who I was when I was with him... .

I'm lost and I fear, I'll never be the same again.

[once removed]

thanks for your reply wilting_rose.

personally, it took me a good three months, maybe more, to really function. i was completely filled with anxiety, and wondering what she was up to, she was my every thought. i didnt feel at all "removed" from the situation. and frankly, it took me a good year to consciously start to feel emotionally recovered from the relationship, and ready to see other people. i dont say that to scare you, some move a bit more quickly, some a bit more slowly. my point is that its not a contest. from my perspective a month and a half felt like a day. one thing that helped me was accepting that. i was telling myself that i was "wrong" for still feeling the way i felt, and that something was wrong with me for feeling it.

no, it wont accomplish anything to compare yourself to your ex. i tried. if anything it reinforced the idea that what i was feeling was wrong. have you expressed these feelings to your therapist? are you getting to the bottom of "me work" in therapy? ultimately (this can take a while) we begin to really heal as we are able to turn our focus to us and our recovery. first we have to try to process the trauma at hand. our psyches, to some extent, require us to replay the relationship over and over in our heads until its satisfied. our psyches want answers. thats the nature of trauma. if this was no big deal, just a relationship gone wrong, you probably wouldnt be here.

"but at the end of the day, I've lost the love of my life.  I've lost the man I fell so hard and deeply for - and I so desperately want him back.  I pray for him to get well... .I pray that one day he'll wake up and realise how much damage he's done and try to make amends - but I know the chances of that happening are slim.

And so I cry... .I fall apart at the very thought of him... .I miss him and I miss who I was when I was with him... .

I'm lost and I fear, I'll never be the same again."



i couldnt be sorrier that this has happened. i promise youre not alone. do keep reading the stories of others. it really helps reinforce that youre not alone. thats what a support group is for .

you may never be the same again. but having been through it myself, im here to tell you, what you will very likely be, is a smarter, older, wiser, better, version of yourself. you might find some comfort in that. from my experience, the whole process made me a more mature, better skilled, and more emotionally available romantic partner. in other words, i dont expect that to sink in immediately, but i want you to know that all of this did not happen in vain.

in the mean time, this may help. its a good reminder too, that this isnt just an ordinary breakup, and that there is a reason youre going through this.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[wilting_rose]

Hi once removed: 

Thanks for the reply... .I know it's early (painful) days for me, I can't expect the pain to just disappear like he did... .nor do I have the capacity to switch off my feelings like he does... .

With constantly thinking about him, the relationship, the great memories to the not-so-great ones - I sometimes wonder, "Was it my fault?"  "Why did I keep making excuses for inexcusable behaviour?"  "Why me?"

But I know, and my conscience is clean, I did EVERYTHING to make him happy, feel secure, loved and supported - and while it suited him, he took it all.  Unfortunately, I was content with the little he gave back - because I didn't want to "pressure him", cause him stress, upset him... .little did I know, no matter how careful I was, how much I cared, how much I loved, how much I did - eventually, he'd find fault, he'd devalue, he'd walk away without putting up a fight... .

Maybe someday, I hope, he'll realise how unwell he actually is and take real steps towards recovery... .maybe then, he'll realise how he threw away everything and treated me like crap... .maybe then, I'll get a sincere apology... .but I'm not holding my breath... .

I pray for him... .because I still love and care for him... .and I wish him no harm - but I also pray he stops destroying everything he comes into contact with before he tries destroying himself again.  It's not my fault... .I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it... .it has to come from him.  I pray he gets well... .

[Infared]

This thread may help.

Especially the lists at the end of the thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114232.0;all#lastPost

I need to be brutally honest with myself, "my" behavior and "my" motives when reading through this for it to be helpful and lead to self awareness.

[sas1729]

Hey wilting_rose,

I am very sorry that you went through what you did. All of the sacrifices and devotion that you heaped on your ex were very real to you. I will be honest in what I write, but please bare in mind that it is just my opinion. It's based on my own experiences and what I have read and been told (by my therapist). As a matter of fact, I started seeing a therapist during my own relationship with my BPDex!

On some fundamental level people with BPD are unable to put themselves into others' shoes, not emotionally. The biochemistry of their brain is different. So what you did - sacrifice and be devotional and loving and caring and thoughtful and thinking etc etc etc - does not impact them in the same way. It does not become internalized. Their emotional needs are instantaneous yet skin-deep, so they may not develop the same depth of love that nonBPD people can. This is why it is easy for them to flip a switch. It comes across as incredibly selfish (and it hurts to be on the receiving end), but BPD is a serious personality disorder. My therapist said that he will not take on more than two BPD patients at a time. Therapists themselves can be manipulated.

Confusingly though, a person with BPD has a very good perception of what can be said and done to manipulate others. It's a learned trait that they have perfected because manipulation gets them what they need emotionally in the moment. In your case he may have said "you're abandoning me". In my case it was "you always do what your parents tell you." My ex hated my family and in 2.5 years they never met. She knew that I would side with her (as I did unfortunately, hurting my family in the process) and so could guilt me with such a comment.

All of this points to one conclusion. Our exes were "incapable" (therapist word choice) of love in the way that nonBPD people can.

None of what I wrote here I know will help the pain. Believe me, I read books and listened to my therapist about this. Yet, I could just not accept it. I was in complete denial. How can she not love me the same way? I forced myself to believe that she could "someday" perhaps realize. I hoped and hoped. My ex was never formally diagnosed. She had many symptoms of BPD and my therapist was convinced that she had it, based on the stories that I recounted to him.

The most difficult week was the week that I broke up with her. In that week I finally accepted that this is a serious personality disorder, that I could not "fix" her, that I was in deep pain, and that I needed to take control of my life. You took control of your life and you protected yourself when you said that he needs to go. It's incredibly brave of you, and thereafter to share it with us. So please give yourself credit. You deserve it.

As for how to deal with the pain, I hate to say something trite but time does help. I am six months out and now I remember my relationship with my ex without significant emotion. It's almost like a clinical analysis. That comes from accepting the nature of BPD. But when I first broke up, it did not help.

After 2.5 years with my ex, I had no identity left other than how she defined me. I lost myself in that relationship. I rarely did things that I used to like. I never saw my family and my friends infrequently. Breaking up with her was terrifying. I had to face the world unsure of who I am. What helped was to be with my friends and family. Being with people who know who you are can help you find yourself again. You know deep down inside that he hurt you incredibly. It was not a healthy relationship. In fact, it was almost not a relationship if you accept that what he and you felt were different (remember the switch). It was a lifestyle of manipulation, perhaps even during the good times. Since how could a good time suddenly flip to a fight and how can an argument disappear without being discussed?

For now, be with friends and family. Remember that the love and devotion you gave to him will be returned in equal measure by someone who truly feels the same way about you. I think a lot of the time the nonBPD partner is a very gentle and kind person. Those are traits that should be valued immensely, and the right person will. Your ex can take care of himself. He has. It is not your responsibility to care for him and be mistreated in return.

Also, writing here a lot helps We all read and listen to each other. I think what we went through is unique, regardless of the individual circumstances we have all cried and fought for an unhealthy relationship. He did not and could not love you the way that you love someone. It is at heart very sad and a medical condition.