Seeing the Light

[WhippingGirl]

I am brand new to this forum after having finally realized that my brother exhibits a great many traits of the BPD personality.  For years as a family we have witnessed my brother go from periods of excitement and joy to deep despair; his entire existence being riddled with violent verbal outbursts towards friends and family that, whilst are not usually physical in nature, are extremely frightening.  These outburst have occurred with girlfriends (whom have since left him,) friends, roommates, people he has interacted with at bars, and most recently my husband and I.  His vicious attacks are literally destroying me and, perhaps what is most disheartening is that our parents refuse to admit or acknowledge that there is an issue and have instead decided to find blame in things that I have done that would trigger these outbursts.  Outsiders are sincerely in awe that my parents can not see that this behavior is scary (they have partially faulted me for his outbursts because I will not allow my toddler in his company and they feel that I am using her as a pawn, instead of seeing that I can not trust him and fear that she would witness one of his "episodes."  I should mention that I still have absolutely NO IDEA what I have ever done to make my brother hate me so much.  There was an incident over a year ago (when we were all on g"good" terms) that had happened whilst he was employed by my husband in which he was reprimanded for verbally attacking a female coworker and then "POOF"... .weeks later he literally decided that I was a c*nt Wh0r* and that I should "die." He was the best man in my wedding; we used to be so close.

I am at a complete loss of what to do.  There are two significant components to my situation:

1.  This has been going on for a year and I still mourn the loss of my brother.  There is a part of me that fears for his safety as I suspect that he will direct this anger towards the wrong person one day and deal with extreme consequences; there is the part of me that is angered that he feels he can scream and yell at me in this way - spewing vile insults, accusations and curses intent on doing emotional harm; and the part of me that feels a need to love and protect him and get to the root of this seemingly misdirected anger.  All in all I would forgive (though I would be weary to trust him again) so that my family could again be intact. Most recently however, despite trying to avoid him at a family wedding, he attacked me verbally with no provocation on two separate occasions in front of various family members which then resulted in a physical altercation between he and my husband, so his anger and hatred and rage towards us seems to be worsening despite having zero daily interaction with him.  I fear that this has put the chance of reconciliation much further at bay all while fearing what he might do should he see me out in a public arena.

2. This has also created extreme rifts among my parents and myself.  Despite having witnessed his attacks and death threats, their approach is that they "do not want to get involved."  They have proverbially buried their heads in the sand and have refused to admit that he may be sick.  Most frequently they make excuses for his behavior, as they have his entire life.  What hurts the most is that they have told me that this is my fault.  I "ruined their Christmas" by being unwilling to be in his company after he threatened to "slit my husbands throat and destroy him."  I was a "terrible sister" because I refused to let him stay at a vacation home with me for a destination wedding after he threw keys and a bottle at me and told me I was a F8ck*ng B1tch who deserved to die."  Again, I am "wrong" for not allowing him around my child, and his anger is all due to my actions.  While I know that their approach is so far from reality, it hurts as much as his verbal abuse.  This has gone on since we were children ; for example he once broke my fingers and I was blamed because I "ruined" our family vacation because I could not go swimming while we were away. As a kid, I took that at face value, but as an adult I see that that was wrong.  Frankly, the more I learn and understand the more it feels that the entire life-long situation is almost debilitating and often makes me crumble with anxiety and depression.

I will add that I was briefly married to a sociopath (see a trend here?) and that I did go through a few years of therapy in an effort to recover from the extreme mental, emotional, and physical abuse. Therefore, I do know enough to not blame myself my for these kind of outbursts, but it is still extremely painful to be in the situation that I am.  I would appreciate any and all support, suggestions, and feedback that you may have.  In a nut shell, I need help navigating through this impossible time so that I can lighten this emotional overload and proceed with being the best possible mother, wife, and friend that I can be.

[CeliaBea]

Hi WhippingGirl,

I'm also very new here. Your situation sounds tough and quite scary! You write that

I am at a complete loss of what to do.  There are two significant components to my situation:

1.  This has been going on for a year and I still mourn the loss of my brother.  There is a part of me that fears for his safety as I suspect that he will direct this anger towards the wrong person one day and deal with extreme consequences; there is the part of me that is angered that he feels he can scream and yell at me in this way - spewing vile insults, accusations and curses intent on doing emotional harm; and the part of me that feels a need to love and protect him and get to the root of this seemingly misdirected anger.  All in all I would forgive (though I would be weary to trust him again) so that my family could again be intact.

I think you are trying to shoulder an enormous responsibility: you forgive your brother, and the family will be intact. While I admire your loyalty to your brother and understand your pain, I think you have to realize that the family's level of intactness depends on more members that just you. You are 100% responsible for yourself, but you are not 100% responsible for your family. If your brother has violent outbursts that are downright dangerous, and your parents ignore and minimize that behaviour, or even accuse you instead of addressing his aggression (as they did when you were a kid), then how can that family be "intact"? Unless your brother and also your parents acknowledge that there's a problem and that your brother needs professional help, the family, I think, won't be intact. Sorry, hopefully I'm not too blunt here.

I will add that I was briefly married to a sociopath (see a trend here?) and that I did go through a few years of therapy in an effort to recover from the extreme mental, emotional, and physical abuse. Therefore, I do know enough to not blame myself my for these kind of outbursts, but it is still extremely painful to be in the situation that I am.  I would appreciate any and all support, suggestions, and feedback that you may have.  In a nut shell, I need help navigating through this impossible time so that I can lighten this emotional overload and proceed with being the best possible mother, wife, and friend that I can be.

That sounds so familiar—I ended up in a horrible, abusive marriage, too, when I was in my 20s. I'd never learnt to stand up for myself or set boundaries, and I was used to tolerating all kinds of anti-social behaviour… little wonder that those of us who were abused as children end up being abused again as adults.

Wish I had some useful advice! I have never experienced that level of physical violence, nor death threats. The situation sounds so serious that protecting yourself and your husband and children should be the number one priority, I think. Other than that, have you looked at finding help (maybe therapy) and support for yourself and possibly your children?

Bon courage!

Celia

[Leaving]

It's clear that you're dealing with a very disturbed brother.  There's no need to wonder what you have done to cause him to treat you as you have at this point.  He's very sick but he's not your responsibility.  It's not your responsibility to manage anyone's bad character- certainly not someone who is clinically disordered--  you're not a professional counselor or psychiatrist which is what he needs. 

What you can do is ask yourself why you expect a mentally ill person to treat you like a normal person. I hope you don't interpret my question as being arrogant or insensitive.  As someone who has also tolerated abusive people in my life ( mother, husband, employers) I had to ask myself why and where was the attraction or need in me to control these people and change them?   Once I dug deeper into my own need to control, I was able to let go and let everyone be responsible and accountable for themselves. 

I'm no contact with my family ( mother and brother) and will probably never make contact with them again as I've already tried numerous times and of course, as always, I was the only person changing for the better- not them.

You're responsibility is to yourself, your husband and your own children.  Your marriage is going to suffer as a result of you trying to carry the responsibility of judging and fixing your brother's character. That is not fair to your husband or your marriage.  You made vows to honor your marriage and husband.   It's necessary to protect your own happiness, security and health as well as your family's.  I'm not talking about your parents and brother.  You are trying to control a situation that is simply out of your control.  Try to focus on what you CAN control and let go of what you can't.

I can assure you that investing time and energy into people that are as mentally ill is going to leave you empty, drained, divorced and unhealthy and worst of all, alone.  Your brother needs a doctor.  You can recommend that to your parents and to him but you've got to set boundaries that keep you and your family safe ( no contact) unless he gets help. 

I know how difficult the idea of no contact is but it's really the only way to help him and help yourself.  They say that most sick people only seek help once they have lost everything.  Well, if he loses his sister because of his behavior, he will either seek help or he will choose to continue down the same angry destructive path and blame you for being a difficult and bitter woman.  Either way, it's not up to you to choose for him.

[WhippingGirl]

CeliaBea,

I appreciate your response and your honesty.  I agree that I am likely taking too much responsibility for the situation but be it that this is what has been ingrained in me by my family for the last 30+ years I suppose it is going to be a challenge to change that mindset.  Because the light finally went off after discovering the diagnosis of BPD I feel as if I can start to fully begin the healing process. For me, most often, knowledge is power and I hope to learn more about this disorder and how to modify my approach to it.  Right now, however, there is a great deal of pain that I am in so I am attempting to process that instead of just proceeding from a purely emotional perspective.

Leaving,

To answer your question - I do not expect a mentally ill person to treat me like a normal person would.  Perhaps I was not clear but I literally just discovered, within the last 24 hours, enough information that leads me to believe that my brother is, in fact a BPD.  Secondly, as I mentioned in my OP, having been blamed for his behavior(s) in the past have always led me to believe that I, somehow, was to blame and that his bad "behaviors" were somehow warranted.  These are the things I am finally seeing most clearly for the first time in over three decades.

I am here today because I am trying to break this cycle.  I do NOT want my marriage to my husband or child to suffer, hence why I have sought out the advice and opinions of others who have been through this.  I am most certainly a novice at coping with this situation in a healthy manner, but I have taken the first of many steps by coming here.  I know what needs to be done, I guess I am just seeking out some support as I venture onto the journey to heal.

[Leaving]

CeliaBea,

I appreciate your response and your honesty.  I agree that I am likely taking too much responsibility for the situation but be it that this is what has been ingrained in me by my family for the last 30+ years I suppose it is going to be a challenge to change that mindset.  Because the light finally went off after discovering the diagnosis of BPD I feel as if I can start to fully begin the healing process. For me, most often, knowledge is power and I hope to learn more about this disorder and how to modify my approach to it.  Right now, however, there is a great deal of pain that I am in so I am attempting to process that instead of just proceeding from a purely emotional perspective.

Leaving,

To answer your question - I do not expect a mentally ill person to treat me like a normal person would.  Perhaps I was not clear but I literally just discovered, within the last 24 hours, enough information that leads me to believe that my brother is, in fact a BPD.  Secondly, as I mentioned in my OP, having been blamed for his behavior(s) in the past have always led me to believe that I, somehow, was to blame and that his bad "behaviors" were somehow warranted.  These are the things I am finally seeing most clearly for the first time in over three decades.

I am here today because I am trying to break this cycle.  I do NOT want my marriage to my husband or child to suffer, hence why I have sought out the advice and opinions of others who have been through this.  I am most certainly a novice at coping with this situation in a healthy manner, but I have taken the first of many steps by coming here.  I know what needs to be done, I guess I am just seeking out some support as I venture onto the journey to heal.

It's wonderful that you're finally gaining the insight into all the dysfunctional and abusive behavior in your family.  I am still discovering how I was so brainwashed to believe certain things that I truly thought were good for me.  I knew my mother was a narcissist since I was in my early 20's but it's taken me all that time to fully understand how she harmed me.  I'm 54 now.  I think that from what you've described, you would benefit from a time out from engaging with your brother and parents and put your focus on your own family.  I think it makes perfect sense since it is not healthy for you, your husband or children to be involved in such volatility and drama.  When I've had to make that decision, I keep an open heart and am always willing to reconnect if the conditions improve but unfortunately, they never did in my family.

I've also spent so long trying to figure out what was wrong with my husband.  He was misdiagnosed a few times and finally diagnosed last year with NPD-BPD ( just like my mother).    Your brother sounds a lot like my husband except that my husband is passive-aggressive vs aggressive like your brother.  My husband will NEVER openly lose his temper ( that would spoil his sweet good boy image)  but he'll do something awful and make it appear to be an accident- like letting my dogs run away, spilling toxic poison in my car, losing money, etc...    If you read about PA or covert abuse you will learn that both are forms of aggression usually due to repressed anger and I'm the chosen recipient of all his abuse.  From my experience, these people can be dangerous on so many levels.  I hate to talk about your brother that way because I know he IS your brother and not some acquaintance but I've paid dearly for always giving my husband the benefit of doubt, compassion, empathy and patience.  I'm the only one who has suffered and when I say pay, I mean that both literally and figuratively.  Nonetheless, until your brother gets a diagnosis, he could have any number of disorders.  I often thought my husband was schizophrenic, had multiple personality disorder.  One of his therapists said he was a typical sociopath who lacked a conscience.  The only thing they ALL agreed on was that he was a very dangerous passive aggressive man and that he would always use and abuse me because I'm the safest person for him to do that to and because I'm a woman ( his mother).

You're in the right place for support.  It takes a lot of courage to examine your life and yourself and be willing to take the necessary steps to ensure that you can lead a well adjusted happy life.  I'm still on that journey.  I don't guess it will ever end but I'm a whole lot closer to escaping the madness today than I was even a year ago :D 

Try to focus on your own strengths, healing and counting your blessings- like your own family now. I hope your brother will get the help he needs.

[WhippingGirl]

Leaving,

Thank you for sharing your story and insight.  As I mentioned I was briefly married to a uNPD for about a year in my 20s. (His behavior was mainly aggressive, although he did exhibit some passive aggressive tendencies that led me to lose my home and nearly my job.)  As I begin to put the pieces together I am understanding that it's likely that I found myself with a man like that because of the circumstances that surrounded my own upbringing.  The damage done by BPD/NPD can manifest over and over, can't it?

Can I ask how long it took for your husband to receive this diagnosis?  My brother is in therapy (not bc of his suspected BPD, but because of an incident that resulted in the death of two of his friends) and I do not suspect that this therapist has a clue that this is a potential diagnosis.  According to my brother, he has explained to our mother that it is best for him to just have no contact with me because me being in his life is too "toxic" for him - again I have absolutely NO CLUE what I have ever done to him.  This leads me to believe that his therapist views whatever he says at face value, and also that he seldom tells the whole truth regarding his outbursts and anger issues. I am just wondering if your husband sought out the help of a specific therapist who specializes in these types of personality disorders?  How long did a diagnosis take?  Perhaps a part of me has hopes that if my own brother was correctly diagnosed that our family could begin to heal again; although I suspect that somehow I would be at fault for making him "sick."

I am truly sorry that you have been ridden with the pain and suffering that comes from loving an BPD/NPD.  It is a roller coaster of chaos that I would wish on no one.

[Leaving]

Leaving,

Thank you for sharing your story and insight.  As I mentioned I was briefly married to a uNPD for about a year in my 20s. (His behavior was mainly aggressive, although he did exhibit some passive aggressive tendencies that led me to lose my home and nearly my job.)  As I begin to put the pieces together I am understanding that it's likely that I found myself with a man like that because of the circumstances that surrounded my own upbringing.  The damage done by BPD/NPD can manifest over and over, can't it?

Can I ask how long it took for your husband to receive this diagnosis?  My brother is in therapy (not bc of his suspected BPD, but because of an incident that resulted in the death of two of his friends) and I do not suspect that this therapist has a clue that this is a potential diagnosis.  According to my brother, he has explained to our mother that it is best for him to just have no contact with me because me being in his life is too "toxic" for him - again I have absolutely NO CLUE what I have ever done to him.  This leads me to believe that his therapist views whatever he says at face value, and also that he seldom tells the whole truth regarding his outbursts and anger issues. I am just wondering if your husband sought out the help of a specific therapist who specializes in these types of personality disorders?  How long did a diagnosis take?  Perhaps a part of me has hopes that if my own brother was correctly diagnosed that our family could begin to heal again; although I suspect that somehow I would be at fault for making him "sick."

I am truly sorry that you have been ridden with the pain and suffering that comes from loving an BPD/NPD.  It is a roller coaster of chaos that I would wish on no one.

It sounds to me like your brother is using you as a scapegoat to avoid his own self examination.  In other words, since YOU are the problem, then he has no need to seek help as long as he severs ties with you which also prevents you from exposing his inadequacies or his vulnerabilities. 

Well, my husband has had a few therapists and one psychiatrist but he never stayed with them long enough for them to make any definitive diagnosis.  I was the one who was always seeking therapy but that didn't help him in any way! 

It was around 2010 when I was at my worst, completely depressed and terrified and so alone.  I went to a counselor who was truly amazing.  She suspected that my husband, like my mother had BPD and NPD.  I didn't know anything about BPD really.  I knew of it but had no understanding of it.  Since my counseling was focused on helping me to gain strength and protect myself until I could leave, I really didn't think much more about the BPD until last summer when I decided to leave and my husband split ( are you familiar with ' splitting' in BPD?) and became so psychotic and delusional that I was terrified.  He went to see a counselor and became obsessed with yoga and a religious guru nutjob.  He sought therapy not because he thought HE needed help but because he thought I was insane and he was the poor victim of an abusive wife. His counselor bought into his story hook line and sinker.  His counselor was not experienced enough to detect his disorder and she inadvertently caused my husband's disorder to escalate to such proportions that the women's shelter counselor had to contact her about how he was endangering my life.  What I endured was utter insanity- everything from him smearing feces all over our bathroom right after I cleaned it to wrecking all our company vehicles and more.  He refused to come inside the house during the day for two months and became anorectic as well constantly preaching about only drinking smoothies that his guru taught him.   He's always had some issue with an eating disorder at different times in his life.   He would make up the most bizarre stories about how people told him I was insane.   I had to go to a woman's shelter and then I moved into a hotel. Anyway, the therapist was advised how to approach his therapy and she had him take some tests and he also did some other therapy or something else.  I'm not sure to be honest.  At that point, I didn't care what he was doing.  I was just trying to find work and get out of here while also trying to run our business and survive. I think once he started going to therapy it was probably 3 months before he got a firm diagnosis. Unless your brother is seeing a very experienced therapist who specializes in character personality disorders, I doubt he'll get a proper diagnosis. 

I've been married to him since 1998 and in 1999 one of our customers, a psychologist and friend, told me that she suspected that he had a personality disorder.  She encouraged me to focus on my own well-being and told me that it's not my responsibility to make sure he gets counseling.  She was very nice and respectful but I just didn't understand how dire my situation was at the time.  I kept thinking he would get better.

You may as well accept that your brother has his counselor completely hoodwinked.  My own counselor told me that she won't see people with personlity disorders because they are masters at charming and deceiving and therefore, the therapy is unproductive and doesn't help anyone. 

I know how much you want to have your family but I don't see how a family can heal from anything unless everyone can acknowledge the problem and  how they contributed to the dysfunction and seek help. My husband will never get better because I am not managing his therapy and he doesn't believe that he needs any.  He told me and his counselor that he needed more yoga and kale and of course to get away from me and didn't need therapy.  She didn't force him to stay because she can't unless he is committed to an institution.  That won't happen unless he commits a crime and gets arrested.

I've thrown in the towel, I'm finished with trying to make sense of insanity.  I'm just hanging in until I can get my freedom and my life back.