Hello... Just need to be heard and find my way

[autumnskies]

Hello,

I feel like I'm typing a version of a message that I've read here a 100 times.

I have been with my BPD husband for almost 3 years, married for 9 months. I was unaware of his disorder and ridiculously happy until 2 months after we were married. We had a relationship that was way beyond perfect, soul mates, amazing lovers, kindred spirits... .something I now get you should probably question. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I now understand that he "painted me black" just one week after we were married, apparently for a random comment I don't even recall saying.

Since then, he has withheld all intimacy for 6 of the 9 months, started drinking again after 14 years and says he is unsure what he thinks, feels and wants. He has a history of hitting himself in the head to the point of concussion and generally hates himself and doesn't feel he deserves any love or happiness whatsoever.

I have 2 children, one with special needs, who thinks of him as, Daddy. My child adores him so much and misses him terribly. This part breaks my heart and makes me feel incredibly guilty for not seeing this before we were married. I was SO sure of him as he gave no sign of any of this. My children are my priority, something he knows. He must have tried so hard to hide all of this. He has not been around lately because he is completely falling apart, drinking, crying and unable even be near us.

For the first time since I've known him, he is starting to back track and say horrible things about me, my intentions and our relationship as a whole. I am generally speechless at how to respond to this as I am getting that anything I say, will be challenged and rejected.  It is the most sad, helpless and surreal feeling I have ever had.

I have gone to counselling, tried many of the skills suggested here and am now completely lost at what to do next. I feel defeated and broken hearted. I am now becoming more aware of the happy, predictable life we had before we met him.

My husband is making one bad decision after another and all I feel like I can do is watch him self destruct.  I am still very much in love with him but feel like I need to make some decisions.

Thank you for listening.  I appreciate any advice you might have.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

Welcome. Is your H diagnosed? Is he getting help?

My uBPDh is a head-hitter too. Should we call them designated hitters?

One of my kids lacked a father too and he made it seem like he would fill that void for us. What a disappointment and a betrayal when he turned on both of us.

If there is a bedrock of affection, and help and resources for both of you, you may still be able to keep going.

[autumnskies]

Hi sweetcharlotte,

He did see someone a couple of times who felt strongly that he has BPD.  He had a horrific childhood and is lucky to be alive. He has nightmares and is triggered constantly.

He is very unreceptive to therapy... .thinking it is an exercise in pointing out everything that is wrong with him... .something he says he is painfully aware of already. He has been trying to attend AA for the first time in his life.

[SweetCharlotte]

The BPD symptoms are bad enough. If he is an active alcoholic, that may be the crucial factor. How severe is his alcohol abuse?

It may not be advisable for you to stay with it while he is consuming. What sort of bad decisions is he making and how do they impact you and your children?

[autumnskies]

He is staying about a 1/2 hour away at the moment.  I have never seen him drink.  He said that he has drank 4 times in the last week and a half and gone to 4 AA meetings. He's said that when he drank 14 years ago, he went pretty hard at it.

He is also eating compulsively and being reckless with money.  He is quiet, moody and tearful and does not know what he wants, needs or feels which affects all of us. He has spoken to my youngest child only once in 9 days, on the phone, and cried the whole time.

I know in my heart that he needs to sort this out but that doesn't make it any easier. I miss him and I worry if he is ok.

[autumnskies]

My husband continues to spiral out of control.  Every day things get worse.  It's like a runaway train that there is nothing I can do anything about, except watch. He has drank at work, self-harmed in from of his work security cameras, punched a hole in the wall at work, yelled at customers. He has also destroyed sports equipment while trying to relax in his off time. Now he is waiting to see if he'll be fired. He goes to the odd AA meeting but says he has never bought into the spiritual part.

Last week we had a 2 day visit which went completely smooth... .happy, pleasant, good company, holding hands, playing cards, good food, sweet time with our daughter.  An all around nice time. It felt like... .for a couple days, we both needed to pretend things are calm and ok. It is probably not healthy to do that but sometimes you just need a break. It seems though that after he leaves, he goes back to destroying his life. This is the pattern of the last few months.

I focus on my children, our day-to-day life and our well-being and happiness. I try not to mention my husband or where he is or what's happening with him to my daughter so that she doesn't miss him more than she already does. She knows he is "not feeling well" and that's it.

Is there any way to not feel so much sadness, pain and fear (for him) at watching the person you love with all of your heart and totally believe is your soulmate, the love of your life, destroy themselves? Is there anything else I can do? I have counselling through work and I have given him all the info. I know it's up to him to help himself but as things get worse, I'm not sure he even knows how or cares to try anymore. Sometimes it feels like I am just idly standing by, waiting for him to decide to get help... .or die. It is so hard.

Is there anything else I can to to protect or insulate my daughter from this confusing, unpredictable situation?  She is about to go through some big important transitions in her life... .already challenging to say the least. I was hoping my husband and I would do this together, as we had planned but I know he is just not capable at the moment.

Thanks for reading.