hey_walnut
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: July 21, 2015, 03:37:26 PM » |
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I have a uBPD (that's how I write it, right? Undiagnosed?) ex-boyfriend who upended my life completely last year. When I met him, I thought I met my soulmate and we talked about marriage early on (I know this is a classic BPD tale). A few months into our relationship (in which I was happier than I had ever been) I had lunch with an ex-boyfriend of mine - my ex wasn't thrilled about it, but I didn't want to concede to something like that so soon into a relationship as I often give up control of needs to others, and as this was "the perfect relationship", I felt I should stand by myself for once.
Well, soon after that, the slide downhill began. The relationship ended out of the blue.
I was despondant enough that my friends came rushing to my rescue, fearing I might hurt myself. The worst part is that he broke up with me one day after someone I really cared about died.
Other than retrieving my stuff I never saw him again.
I was a wreck. The grief of the death of a person I loved (and continuing to care for a family who just lost their husband and father) mixed with the grief of this abandonment left me floored for a really long time. I didn't know what end was up.
I entered into my latest relationship in a completely different way. I dated many men at once, careful not to get to enveloped by anyone early on. I knew when I started dating that I was going to leave town for two months for work... .but I wanted to date, I wanted to learn new skills. And I met someone who seemed great, and continued to date other people until the last two weeks leading up to me heading out of town. The whole time my new partner insisted he only wanted to date me.
Therapy has taught me that I needed to have more patience for things, and after my relationship with my uBPDex imploded, my therapist told me that "I'd either have to meet someone who's needs completely aligned with mine and we could enter into a codependent relationship forever, OR I'd have to get over the fact that my mother didn't look into my eyes enough when I was a baby and find a new definition of love". TOUGH LOVE. So I was trying to do that. My new boyfriend promised that with him, relationships escalate over time. So I gave it time.
Cut to nine months later. New boyfriend still hasn't told me loves me, which was really difficult for me. I had a few moments of real dysregulation with him (once after sex when he was talking about "the most beautiful girl he's ever seen" and it really hurt my feelings and I wanted to leave) and a panic attack I had after we had sex and I had come so hard he told me "I looked retarded" which caused me to MELT DOWN. Straight up melt down. My overwhelming emotional experiences would cause him to pull further away from me, which made it harder for me to maintain my emotional core... .and I started to disintegrate. Everyday stresses started to really wear me down. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating enough. I couldn't take care of my house. I finally at my therapists urging asked my boyfriend about "I love you". He said he wasn't there yet. I tried to keep going and hold it together. It was very hard.
Two weeks or so after this I get an email out of the blue from my uBPDex. It basically said he was thinking about me a lot, had been listening to something and it made him cry and realized there was more going on under the surface. It was left ambiguous ("I don't know what, if anything I expect in return". I was really shaken up. It was like seeing a ghost.
At my new boyfriend's urging ("It would be good for you to see him" I followed through. I didn't let the uBPDex off the hook -- I told him how hard it was when he left me.
Cut to a few weeks a later. I set a time to see in uBPDex. Things with my boyfriend are getting harder -- I am having a harder time sitting with my insecurity and trusted the relationship less due to his unwillingness to say he loves me, though he treated me well. He also had hurt himself and could not longer have sex with me, so he gave me permission (without me asking!) to sleep with whomever I want, but to wear a condom and not tell him.
So last week I see the uBPD ex. At first when I saw him I thought "Oh, this will be fine." I thought we’d have dinner and that would be that.
The night wore on. It felt friendly. We got more drinks. We were having fun. And when it came time to say goodbye... .well. That's when it went weird. He kissed my face. I wanted him to. He kissed me. I wanted him to. He invited me back to his place (I wanted him to enough that I had told him about my agreement with my boyfriend). I vacillated. I wanted to see him again. I felt like it would be worse to see him again with the build up of sex as a possibility (that felt like emotional infidelity) as opposed to getting it out of the way, so that the sex had already happened and been defined (oh my, guess who has problems with ambiguous states? that would be me). He said he didn’t want to have sex with me if it meant not seeing me again. I assured him it wouldn’t mean that.
So we did. And of course, the sex was mind blowing amazing. But I left right after. It seemed wrong to stay. He had a book on BPD out on his coffee table that he had read (I read to him from DSM IV the last time I saw him. He nodded his head and said "every single thing sounds like me". The book was right next to his now ex-girlfriends lip gloss. She was only halfway moved out of the apartment. Writing this out is really hard, because it seems so OBVIOUS someone who hasn’t been in this kind of relationship.
When I left he told me to contact him if I wanted to talk. That we wouldn't be all up in my space. I told him that I wasn't worried he'd do that.
The next day I was very confused. One of the things the uBPDex and I spoken about was "being ok". After being in so much therapy and after having to process what had happened in my relationship with him, I had put that dream TO BED. That's not what relationships are, that's not what love is, I will never have that, the end. It was a fantasy, and it doesn't exist. He challenged me on it. The idea, not being with him. I stood by my thought process, but the next day... .I was confused.
I brought up the “I love you conversation” with my boyfriend again. We couldn’t reach a consensus. We tabled it for the evening.
This next day I mentioned that I needed alone time that evening and would be very busy that week (both which were true -- and he often pulled the "alone time" card on me) and my boyfriend started crying. So we really broke it down. He can't get himself to love me, because he's worried I'm too volatile (though I felt much less volatile in this relationship and only had moments of real dysregulation in response something that actually might throw someone). And, sadly, we broke up. I was/am very very very sad. I thought this man would make a great partner -- the steadiness was better than the "ups and downs". And I had grown to believe I preferred it to the highs of passion and being in the honeymoon stage. But he didn't love me.
It's very fresh -- like two days fresh. I'm not despondent, but I do have periods where I am dysregulating and I can't get my feet under me.
I want to tell my uBPDex what’s going on with me, but am afraid to because the few texts we have exchanged have been very casual and noncommital.
It's not so much a questions about the uBPDex (though I do want to see this through, even if seeing it through is just me reaching out and being walled off), but a questions of -- have people found relationships as passionate and loving, but consistent as they felt with their BPD partners? Am I insane for thinking about reaching out? Or do I need to JUST ___ING STOP IT.
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