Feeling empty, used and confused

[OopsIDidItAgain]

It's been three weeks since my ex BPD GF and I ended our 2 year relationship. I believe our breakup that came out of nowhere was a result of her mood disorder (the day she told

me she wanted to end us was the day of her mental evaluation)

Before we ended I started to standup for myself more in the relationship. Calling her out on her selfish behaviors, calling her out on her flirting with others, talking to her about her substance abuse issues (bottle of wine a night, abusing adderall and over the counter meds) she denied ever having a problem.  Recently she even claimed to be a medium and could hear spirits talking to her. ( this was totally new and started in June) her decline has been the past three months, I felt like she was coming apart and someone I didn't even know.

I am feeling recently that this breakup might be a game. A way to get more attention from myself and others. She used to like to talk about how hot it would be if ever broke up and got with other people, how she would always want to have an affair with me. I never really gave into this fantasy of hers and always brushed it off... .I didn't really know about BPD until my therapist alerted me to what it was.

She even used to mention she wanted our wedding song to be "Style" by Taylor Swift.

I am honestly thinking now this whole breakup was a calculated game. The way she's now contacting my friends acting all sad she'll never see them again. Strange thing is, these friends are my best friends and not people she even hung out with that much.

Has this ever happened to anyone? A calculated game for attention? Why do I want her back so badly if this person thinks my feelings are so disposable she can play with them?

[once removed]

hey px1983 

you know, i recall this very same, distinct feeling. i thought my ex was frustrated with our relationship, had enlisted a mutual friend and someone else, and was testing me. in my case, i was wrong.

you might or might not be, i dont know you or your ex. what i do know is that a breakup with a pwBPD can feel so incredibly surreal. it can challenge our sense of reality in ways its never been challenged. virtually any scenario we can conjure up makes far more sense.

"Why do I want her back so badly if this person thinks my feelings are so disposable she can play with them?"

when i had the feeling it was a game, i wondered that too. made me really angry. its a very useful question. so why do you? you mention things had changed for you toward the end of the relationship. that necessarily changes a relationship, for better or worse. is it possible you expected a different reaction? are you kicking yourself for not standing up for yourself more/sooner?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I think it's a mixture of kicking myself for not standing up for myself sooner and leaving all those times I wanted to leave. I stuck it out because I honestly wanted her to get help, to have her evaluation and finally be diagnosed for her bipolar. I thought without the bursts of mania I could control how I reacted to the BPD. I was trying to be a good partner.

I'm at a point now where I am free. I'm physically feeling better but emotionally a wreck. I've blocked and unblocked her number so many times in hopes she would text me saying "let's try again"

I know I'm better off without her, my therapist even told me a month before our breakup she was toxic and abusive. I think right now I just am looking for support. We've had NC for two weeks now.

[Lucky Jim]

I stuck it out because I honestly wanted her to get help, to have her evaluation and finally be diagnosed for her bipolar. I thought without the bursts of mania I could control how I reacted to the BPD. I was trying to be a good partner.

Hey PX1983, Your efforts are admirable, but at the end of the day you are not responsible for another adult's well-being.  I did the same thing.  Thought that if I could get my BPDxW into therapy, we would make progress.  It was frustrating, because on some fundamental level she didn't want to be helped.  So my efforts were pointless and of no value to her.  Perhaps you could consider whether you are in a similar situation?  I know its painful, but the best plan, in my view, is to move on without her.

LuckyJim

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Moving on without her is the best option. I know it is...

Things have been bad since I started to actually bring to her attention that I was aware of her substance abuse problems. She was popping adderalls when she didn't need them, and then being so hopped up on them she needed to self medicate to put herself to sleep by drinking a BOTTLE of wine every night as well as downing several over the counter sleeping pills and then smoking pot. 

I never was judgmental, I always said "we need to fix this, this isn't good for you" and tried to offer help. She didn't want it... So your right, I can't force an adult to get help.

The thing that totally sucks is for the past few months, witnessing her decline I would go to her mother and let her know what I was seeing. I thought by getting someone who knew her history they could help me. I wasn't being dramatic and telling someones "mommy" I was only making someone aware who I thought could help her get help. In the end her mother used this whole breakup as a bonding experience and refuses to see her daughter for what is really happening. She claims my ExBPDgf has a "Vitamin deficiency" and that is whats causing her to act like this. She's using this whole thing to finally have a bond with her daughter after never having one.

What REALLY hurts is her mother used to thank me on many occasions for "whatever it is I was doing" to help bring their family back together.

I'm starting to wonder if her keeping her mother away was the best thing for her. From what I read, these are deep seeded issues set by parents and from what she told me, her mother provided a roof over her head and paid for everything but wasn't really a mother... .I chose to fall into her mothers trap in thinking she was wonderful. I can see how toxic the dynamic is now.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PX, Been there, done that.  Went to her family to let them know what was going on.  On some level, they knew exactly what I was talking about.  On another level, I came off like the bad guy.  So it didn't prove effective.  It seems like you had the same result.  It's frustrating, I know, but I think you know as a gut feeling what your best option is.

LuckyJim

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Hey PX, Been there, done that.  Went to her family to let them know what was going on.  On some level, they knew exactly what I was talking about.  On another level, I came off like the bad guy.  So it didn't prove effective.  It seems like you had the same result.  It's frustrating, I know, but I think you know as a gut feeling what your best option is.

I'm glad that I'm not the only one. I know her mother knows she is the main reason why her daughter has these emotional issues. But to use my pain as her chance to be a mother that I KNOW she is going to get bored with onto something else just kills me. My ex doesn't deserve that BPD or not.

My therapist has been saying this was an abusive relationship way before the end happened. So I'm really proud of myself for NC and moving out as quickly as I did.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm really proud of myself for NC and moving out as quickly as I did.

Agree.  You have reason to be proud of yourself.  It's hard to make the break, but you did it.  Now keep up the momentum by moving forward.

LuckyJim

[Tomzxz]

PX1983,  Congratulations from extracting yourself from a hopeless situation. It's not an easy thing to do especially if we entered into the relationship from a position of being less than a whole person ourselves.  It is true that on a fundamental level they don't want to be helped or loved.  You did the right thing.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I'd like to think at one point she did want to be loved but I don't know where it all

Went wrong.

She was always so scared of me abandoning her. I feel like this was a test to see if I would. I just couldn't take it, I couldn't be berated and devalued anymore

[Tomzxz]

PX1983,  The fear they express of abandoning them is a strong lure isn't it?  It feels so nice having a woman clutching your arm or rolling over in the bed, looking you in the eye and telling you she doesn't want you to ever leave her.  As she presses her head on your shoulder you comfort her and tenderly respond, "I wont leave you, I love you". A week after my marriage proposal she entered her fear of engulfment phase and little by little she shut down her emotions, and stopped expressing her love.  Her best friend of 22 years informed me that she plays out a self fulfilling prophecy of being unlovable and abandoned in all her relationships. (I think he is an enabler because he doesn't ever point out the error of her ways, but they remain friends because he accepts her for who she is, not being romantically involved helps). Her preemptive strike to self sabotage triggered my abandonment fears and the whole house of cards came falling down.  It can only be describe as madness.

[SummerStorm]

What REALLY hurts is her mother used to thank me on many occasions for "whatever it is I was doing" to help bring their family back together.

I'm starting to wonder if her keeping her mother away was the best thing for her. From what I read, these are deep seeded issues set by parents and from what she told me, her mother provided a roof over her head and paid for everything but wasn't really a mother... .I chose to fall into her mothers trap in thinking she was wonderful. I can see how toxic the dynamic is now.

Yeah, I've often wondered this myself.  My exBPD's BPD symptoms were bad when her mom was around and then ebbed and flowed after her mom moved to another state.  She loves her mom but also used to tell me that she could never live with her mom because they fight all the time.  Honestly, from what I know about her mom, it sounds like she either has BPD or has several BPD traits (on her fifth marriage, has lived in three different states in the past five years, goes back and forth between desperately wanting to see her daughter and never wanting to see her again, impulsively gets random tattoos).  When my exBPD was sexually abused by one of her stepfathers, her mom never reported it or anything.  She just decided to leave him when she found out.  So, I think that deep down, my exBPD feels like she was abandoned by her mother during the six years that the abuse went on.  Then, about two years after my exBPD tried to commit suicide the first time, right when she was in the middle of college, her mom and stepfather moved to a different state.  This once again triggered her abandonment fears.  She didn't live on campus, so she just had to bounce around and live with whomever could take her in at the time.  I could be wrong, but I think I remember my exBPD telling me that her mom didn't even fly down to attend her college graduation. 

When she visited her mom back in April, her mom had minor surgery and was given painkillers.  When my exBPD complained that she didn't feel good, her mom gave her one of the painkillers and told her it would make her feel better.  My exBPD struggled with substance abuse in the past and then started abusing again in May, so I saw this as enabling my exBPD's behaviors.  My exBPD also feared that her mother would send her to a psych ward, so she hid the fact that she was cutting again.  When my exBPD tried to commit suicide again in June, her mother flew down to see her in the ER and then left again.  She didn't even stay and visit her in the psych ward.   

Her mom and stepfather recently moved again, across the country, and my exBPD is moving there with her boyfriend in two months.  To me, this just spells disaster, unless she stays 100% committed to getting treatment.  And it truly makes me see how caught up someone can get in a relationship with a pwBPD.  I was never officially with mine, and we were just friends for most of the time that we knew each other.  But I look at her boyfriend and think, ":)ude, what are you doing?  Stop and think for a second."  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just overly rational.  I wouldn't even move across the country with a mentally stable person I'd been dating for six months.