Adult daughter with BPD kicked out of every place to live

[milestogo]

I have a daughter who is almost 20. She has been kicked out of my home several times and has left of her own will as well since she's turned 18. She has been kicked out of her dad's house, as well as the shelter in town. The last time she lived with me, the rules and boundaries were clear as was her understanding that it was the final chance. Since then, she has been kicked out of the shelter, a friend's house and now the shelter again.

Every time this happens, my heart aches, I feel awful. My friend tells her she can stay with him, then complains about her being there. She doesn't clean after herself or contribute to any meals or bills. She refuses to look for a job or do anything productive. Now my friend wants to let her stay with him again. He is angry at me that I don't have 'unconditional chances' for her.

I'm struggling. I don't know what to do. My heart breaks everytime. But she can not live here again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

If my son refused to work, clean after himself, etc, I would allow him to experience the natural consequences of his (in)actions. Enabling her to continue along such a self-destructive path is not love. I'm sure you love your daughter unconditionally, and will continue to love her while she learns life's hard lessons. I would definitely not allow her to move in with unless she obeyed your rules and respected your boundaries. The choice then is her own. Your friend may mean well, but I wouldn't take his advice.

[mimi99]

Our daughter is much the same--lazy, rude, unproductive. She declined dramatically a few months ago and has since been kicked out of our home, her father's home, 2 friend's homes, and a halfway house. She can't return here, but it is certainly heartbreaking to think of her out there. I have to remember that I am powerless over her decisions and over the decisions others make to help her (or not). Utilizing resources like this is helpful, and I am in counseling. A friend reminds me that we learn through experiencing consequences. Sometimes the consequences are quite severe, unfortunately. Like you, my heart is breaking, but all I can do is take care of myself and pray.

[milestogo]

So, first, thank you for replying with your supportive messages. It does help to know I'm not alone.

When your adult child with BPD asks for help, where do you turn?

[AVR1962]

My BPD daughter is like yours as far as not working and not lifting a finger to clean up after herself. We have not had to deal with it in years but when she did leave home and wanted to return I made up a contract that specified what I wanted her to accomplish (a guideline for her behavior) and one of those things was to hold a job. She had to agree to it and agree with the consequences if she did not follow the agreement and that was that she was out on her own. She agreed, she signed it and she followed it. Now if her husband would do the same thing, ! Her poor husband and kids are her slaves. She literally sits all day and does nothing but watch TV and text on her phone. Her husband does all the cooking. The kids are responsible for laundry and cleaning the house, it's really sad to see play out.

Where do I turn for support? My husband, good friends, my counselor and support groups like this one.

[meantcorn34]

Not sure I understood the question, so I'll just say if my son had burned his bridges with family and friends and was not willing to abide by my rules and boundaries, I would find out everything I could about social services in your area and give my son the information to do with whether he chooses. If he seriously pursued an option, I would support him in doing so but the responsibility would remain his.