I'm in a dark place

[Lovingme35]

It's a month into our breakup and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. I make plans to try and get the relationship back on track that I cannot seem to follow. Most of it is regarding giving exbfwBPD space and not contacting him. Then I break that by doing something stupid. Last weekend, he came over Sunday and we barbecued together. I ended up coming on way too strong and he left early because of it. I felt bad and was going to give him space for a couple of weeks. Last night in a weak moment, I contacted him. He told me he was going to dinner with a friend (girl). I needed to pick up my house key from him so even though I was noticeably shocked, we made plans for me to swing by later after his dinner and pick it up. When I came by, he tried to give me all of my things back. I tried to talk to him but he refused saying that he was tired and had to work early. His brick wall was up. I asked him when he wanted to talk then and he said this weekend. I left my things, took the key and slammed the door behind me.

This morning, I woke up crying. Mad that I had contacted him the day before. I wrote him a long message apologizing for my selfishness in the relationship. I finished it by saying that he could have my password to an account that we both use regularly, as he did not renew his membership. That was two hours ago It is not like him to not respond. I knew that if I kept pushing that I was going to lose him.

I don't know where to go from here. I have lost everything mostly because of him. My friends, family, my kids don't want to spend time with me anymore, I lost my job the day after he broke up with me. I went and had my hair done yesterday and I couldn't sit still I was so anxious. I don't have any support and I am just feeling low. The only thing keeping me going right now are these meet up groups. Every day, I apply for jobs and go to different meet ups. Then I come home and cry myself to sleep. I am not sure what to do if he doesn't respond to my message. It will be a dark turning point that we have not explored yet.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

   

I don't have any words of wisdom. I want to offer you some virtual hugs of support.

Do you have access to a therapist or counselor?

[Lovingme35]

I do have access to a therapist. It's the same therapist we used for couples counseling so she is all to aware of what I am dealing with.

He just responded. Pretty much said that I changed for the better during our relationship but that I was a very selfish person and that he was over my selfishness and the relationship. I was never selfish? Pretty much the opposite. He wan't either so I'm not sure where he's getting that from? Then he said that he would use my account that I offered.

I responded saying that I would make noticeable changes. Hard to do since I don't know what he's talking about. 

[vortex of confusion]

I responded saying that I would make noticeable changes. Hard to do since I don't know what he's talking about. 

You shouldn't have to change who you are to be in a relationship with somebody.

Have you reviewed the lessons lately? I am thinking that there might be something in the lesson on "Finding inner strength and hope".

Even if you weren't selfish, I have noticed that having basic needs is sometimes interpreted as selfish.

Don't agree to make changes if you have no idea to what it is that you are agreeing to change. That puts you in a position of having to jump through hoops. That isn't good for you or the relationship.

[Daniell85]

I have been (am in a lot of ways atm) where you are.

Sorry you are having such a tough time   It's a scary and painful place to be when it feels like everything has gone out of control and you are losing someone you love. There are things you can do for yourself to detach so you can feel better and more in control.

I have a few suggestions that have really helped me:

Cut off contact with him for a period of time. 2 weeks maybe. That means no contact. That means if he contacts you, wait a day or so before briefly and politely responding. Do not initiate contact. You may be feeling horrible and sad and emotional. Believe me, showing this to him will put everything into the place you are now struggling with.

The no contact is not to end the relationship. It's to give you time to calm and detach enough to be able to keep some of that detachment when you do actually talk to him.

Second, talk to your doc. You sound very anxious. I know how that is, those feelings are awful. You have more on your plate than this relationship that is causing upset for you.

And I agree with Vortex. Really comb through the lessons. Realize his issue is not you. It's his disorder. It's been really hard for me to detach from that co dependent thing of trying to fix everything, letting my BPD project everything onto me.

It's not you. It's him, and he is being really successful at making you feel crap and like it's all your fault. Think about it. If it was your fault, and you made this great big effort to fix it and it's still not fixed and he is finger pointing... .who is blaming you and refusing to work with you? Him.

Let him hang by himself for a couple weeks. Take care of YOU! 

[Lovingme35]

I don't want to lose him though. He has already started dating and I am afraid he will find a replacement. That is the main drive causing my anxiety and my ability to establish NC. Our break up's in the past have been where harsh words were said and then NC for about a week. This has been different different. It's lasted a whole month and we haven't gone more than three days without one contacting the other. If I don't respond immediately, he gets butthurt and quits initiating all contact. That would kill me.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Have you asked yourself why you are so afraid of losing this relationship?

What is so great about this guy and this relationship?

[Lovingme35]

We did have a strong connection. We had a lot of fun whatever we did together and thought the same. It seemed like we were the perfect match. I have a hard time finding that in anyone.

[Lovingme35]

I friend of mine just told me that he hits on girls at the gym all of the time. He asked one girl out in particular about a month ago. Not sure how I should confront him with this new information. It could have been about the time we broke up but he always told me he wasn't dating other people. I feel like I am in shock now. Like I'm in a dream. Technically he wan't cheating but he didn't offer up this info either, and gave me a hard time about me going out on dates. I messaged my therapist. The day is getting darker. :'(

[Daniell85]

He isn't going to volunteer information like that to you. Please don't confront him.

In my relationship, the more "desperate" I showed myself, the more the balance of power in the situation was skewed. That is, to my boyfriend, I was losing power and he was gaining it. He used that power to do what ever he wanted, no matter how damaging to me. Since he is BPD ( or something) he ran with it and I let myself be dragged along behind.

I can truthfully say, I allowed this to nearly destroy my life. I was clearly suicidal, had stopped eating and was down to skin and bones. One day, he broke an agreement we had and when I approached him about it, he told me to commit suicide and blocked me. To say I was in a state of dangerous despair is an understatement.

I am here, so obviously I am still struggling. I can tell you though, you have to detach or this is going to take you to an even more terrible place than you are now. YOU are important. YOUR life is worth a great deal. Let him take care of his own self for a while. Rebalancing yourself now is a true priority.

Will he "leave forever" if you don't jump through his hoop if he contacts you and you wait to respond?

I doubt it. If he is having a mantrum when you don't jump when he snaps his fingers, then let him have one. He needs to get a grip and you don't have to be there to baby him.

jmo for what it's worth 

[Pou]

I don't have much wisdom to offer to your situation.  But would like to share you with my perspective ... .and hopefully something I put down would make sense to you.   I cope with my own situation by reiterating these principles:

1)  I can not love something (or someone) that won't love me back.

2)  I can not keep someone that wasn't mine to begin with, regardless that we may seem to belong with each other at the start.   

3)  I can not change someone with a flawed character, but I can better myself. 

I am not saying that I mastered all the above ... .but they do help me navigate through the madness a bit easier.  Also, maybe a good time to reconnect people who you have lost in touch because of this bad relationship.  I wish you well. 

[Lovingme35]

He isn't going to volunteer information like that to you. Please don't confront him.

In my relationship, the more "desperate" I showed myself, the more the balance of power in the situation was skewed. That is, to my boyfriend, I was losing power and he was gaining it. He used that power to do what ever he wanted, no matter how damaging to me. Since he is BPD ( or something) he ran with it and I let myself be dragged along behind.

I can truthfully say, I allowed this to nearly destroy my life. I was clearly suicidal, had stopped eating and was down to skin and bones. One day, he broke an agreement we had and when I approached him about it, he told me to commit suicide and blocked me. To say I was in a state of dangerous despair is an understatement.

I am here, so obviously I am still struggling. I can tell you though, you have to detach or this is going to take you to an even more terrible place than you are now. YOU are important. YOUR life is worth a great deal. Let him take care of his own self for a while. Rebalancing yourself now is a true priority.

Will he "leave forever" if you don't jump through his hoop if he contacts you and you wait to respond?

I doubt it. If he is having a mantrum when you don't jump when he snaps his fingers, then let him have one. He needs to get a grip and you don't have to be there to baby him.

jmo for what it's worth 

Thank you for this. I feel like I am heading down that road too. I need to get a grip. I can see the train wreck in front of me but I can't seem to walk away from it, or fix it. I need to realize that it's not my problem to fix

[Lovingme35]

Well I did it. I broke it off with him completely. I asked to talk to him in person after I had some time to think and he wouldn't let it go. He started mocking me and I snapped. Told him to mail me my stuff back. I never told him what I found out but I did insinuate that he had lied to me. I am wondering now if I should go ahead and delete him on Facebook as well, as he has always been the one to do that crap to me, but I think I might be hurting myself more than it would hurt him. I am not sure what I am expecting at this point. It just feels pretty good to be the one finally in charge. Now he's texting saying my stuff is going to be too expensive to mail. I don't even feel like responding. Lets see how long this good mood lasts before I break down again. I need strength to get through just two weeks. Please give me the strength!

[SummerStorm]

He isn't going to volunteer information like that to you. Please don't confront him.

In my relationship, the more "desperate" I showed myself, the more the balance of power in the situation was skewed. That is, to my boyfriend, I was losing power and he was gaining it. He used that power to do what ever he wanted, no matter how damaging to me. Since he is BPD ( or something) he ran with it and I let myself be dragged along behind.

The more I tried to get information from my exBPD, the more she pulled away and ignored my messages.  So, I kept sending more messages.  Like, you, I looked desperate.  That gave her power. 

Lovingme35, I'm sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you've made your choice and are now going to start working on you.  That's the first step.  I had this whole "Fit by 30" goal that I wanted to accomplish.  I wanted to get back down to my college weight.  I started off strong.  Then, my exBPD discarded me and went NC.  I have spent the entire summer, the final summer at my parents' house before I move in the fall, eating fast food, playing computer games, sleeping, and ruminating.  I'm now in the worst shape that I've been in a few years, and I turn 30 next week.  I go back to work in a few weeks, and I'm now realizing how much time I've wasted.  I love my parents' house because it's in the middle of nowhere, and my regular running route cuts through the woods and has a creek running along the one side.  I should be running down that road every day, making the most of my final few months in the only home I've ever known, but I just don't have the energy.  And what is my exBPD doing?  Packing up her stuff and getting ready to move across the country with her boyfriend.  Last week, she sent me a card, and at the end, she wrote, "I hope you have a lovely summer gardening and tending to your gnomes ."  It was sincere, but it's clear that she has no idea how much pain I'm in. 

I have some advice about your stuff.  Give it a few weeks, stop asking him about it, and see what happens.  Mine kept collecting things that belong to me, some of which she had since March.  I visited her in the hospital and mentioned them again.  After she discarded me, I asked spent three weeks texting her boyfriend, asking him to tell her to send them.  He'd remind her, and she'd say that she'd send them the next day.  In early July, he stopped replying to my texts after she told him to, and I stopped texting him about my stuff.  Two weeks later, I received a package in the mail, containing a jersey and two shirts.  She still has a book and a microwave dish, but I don't think she even remembers she has those, and I really don't care if I get them back.  The point is, the more I bugged her and her boyfriend to send my stuff, the more power I gave her.  She knew I wanted it, so she kept it because she could.  As soon as I gave up and told her boyfriend that I didn't care anymore, she went to the post office. 

[Lovingme35]

He isn't going to volunteer information like that to you. Please don't confront him.

In my relationship, the more "desperate" I showed myself, the more the balance of power in the situation was skewed. That is, to my boyfriend, I was losing power and he was gaining it. He used that power to do what ever he wanted, no matter how damaging to me. Since he is BPD ( or something) he ran with it and I let myself be dragged along behind.

The more I tried to get information from my exBPD, the more she pulled away and ignored my messages.  So, I kept sending more messages.  Like, you, I looked desperate.  That gave her power. 

Lovingme35, I'm sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you've made your choice and are now going to start working on you.  That's the first step.  I had this whole "Fit by 30" goal that I wanted to accomplish.  I wanted to get back down to my college weight.  I started off strong.  Then, my exBPD discarded me and went NC.  I have spent the entire summer, the final summer at my parents' house before I move in the fall, eating fast food, playing computer games, sleeping, and ruminating.  I'm now in the worst shape that I've been in a few years, and I turn 30 next week.  I go back to work in a few weeks, and I'm now realizing how much time I've wasted.  I love my parents' house because it's in the middle of nowhere, and my regular running route cuts through the woods and has a creek running along the one side.  I should be running down that road every day, making the most of my final few months in the only home I've ever known, but I just don't have the energy.  And what is my exBPD doing?  Packing up her stuff and getting ready to move across the country with her boyfriend.  Last week, she sent me a card, and at the end, she wrote, "I hope you have a lovely summer gardening and tending to your gnomes ."  It was sincere, but it's clear that she has no idea how much pain I'm in. 

I have some advice about your stuff.  Give it a few weeks, stop asking him about it, and see what happens.  Mine kept collecting things that belong to me, some of which she had since March.  I visited her in the hospital and mentioned them again.  After she discarded me, I asked spent three weeks texting her boyfriend, asking him to tell her to send them.  He'd remind her, and she'd say that she'd send them the next day.  In early July, he stopped replying to my texts after she told him to, and I stopped texting him about my stuff.  Two weeks later, I received a package in the mail, containing a jersey and two shirts.  She still has a book and a microwave dish, but I don't think she even remembers she has those, and I really don't care if I get them back.  The point is, the more I bugged her and her boyfriend to send my stuff, the more power I gave her.  She knew I wanted it, so she kept it because she could.  As soon as I gave up and told her boyfriend that I didn't care anymore, she went to the post office. 

My actual goal is not really to get my stuff back. It's to stop this insane cycle that he's in and get him to calm down. Every cycle before has ended with a bang. I just provided the bang needed to make it stop. I hope to god he doesn't go and get a replacement. I can't even think about that at the moment.