Intro

[Slipping]

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading on the boards for several months and I've already been helped just by reading about others in a similar situation.

We knew early in my daughter's life that something was wrong.  Like others I've read about here, she never napped, sleep was a struggle, she couldn't be comforted.  By her early teen years, she was diagnosed with depression and was having suicidal thoughts.  Fast forward, she's now 28 and has been diagnosed with bipolar, major depressions, anxiety disorder, PTSD.  She suffers with a painful neurological condition that doesn't allow her to work. She's also very intelligent and funny, although we don't see that much anymore.

As hard as this is for me to believe, I had never heard of BPD and none of her doctors have ever mentioned it.  About 6 months ago, my daughter was describing a friend's relative who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I listened in disbelief,  thinking how many of the symptoms sounded like my daughter.  In researching it, I stumbled over BPD and as I read books and researched, I read and cried.  Finally an explanation for the last 25 years.  And I can see why the medications have not ever really been of much help to her.  She's never been properly diagnosed. 

A few months ago, she began self-harming and then took an overdose of prescription meds.  That gave me an opportunity to call her psych and explain what I had been learning about BPD.  He is now insisting that she go to counseling, although she adamantly refuses DBT therapy.  So far, she has been to 2 counseling sessions and quit again.

I have begun DBT therapy for myself, since we have been unable to persuade my daughter to go.  I have used many of the tools on this website, read numerous books and taken the NAMI Family to Family class.  Using "validation" has transformed my communications with my daughter.  Although regret isn't particularly helpful, I do wish that I had known about it years ago.  I think things would be so very different both for her and my family.  As I've learned about the disorder, I have (mostly) been able to let go of the anger and instead feel the sadness and fear for her future.  Not that those are pleasant emotions, but they are better than blaming and feeling so out of control.

Like so many posts that I've read, I have good days and bad days.  Some days it seems like too much effort to keep up the validation, when I'm  so exhausted and beaten up by the rages and accusations.  Thankfully there are other days when I'm able to cope and reach for balance in my life so that I can continue to try to help her.

I'm so grateful to have found this group! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Slipping,

I'm so glad that you decided to join us here and make your first post!  You have a lot invested in learning, coping, and improving your relationship with your daughter already.  I hope that posting here and getting feedback from others directly will help you even more.

Is there an event that you recognize as the catalyst for her to begin to cut at age 28 and attempt suicide?  Has her physical pain gotten worse lately?

Does she live with you?  

Do you have any other people in your life besides a therapist to support you?

I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

lbjnltx

[Slipping]

Thanks for the welcoming note.

My daughter had to stop working about a year ago.  We hoped that without the stress of work, she would improve.  Instead, she has steadily declined with repeated physical injuries, drug reactions and withdrawals and depression.  The self-injury started when she gave up hope, I think.  And she was on a drug that made her even more physically and verbally aggressive than normal.  Today, she hardly gets out of bed and is eating little.  She's isolated and so lonely. I guess that's why I'm so relieved to have found validation, b/c at least I'm not making things worse every time I talk to her.  Before using validation, every conversation ended with her raging at me and usually hanging up, calling back, hanging up, calling back... .etc.  I've learned from lots of postings here that when I responded to her reported pain with suggestions and problem-solving, I was only escalating her emotions.  I could see it happening, but I couldn't understand why so i just kept repeating what I was doing.  

She lives about an hour away from us, but we are on the phone constantly and visit several times weekly. The visits are always tense and most of the time end when she yells at me to leave.  It's so exhausting to try to help someone who asks for help, but then refuses assistance.  We go to sleep almost every night and wake up every morning to read text messages about the pain she's in, whether physical or emotional.  

Although she is married, her husband works long hours and doesn't completely understand her complicated medical history, so she relies on us for physical help and emotional support.  My husband (her dad) and I are both more involved than we'd like to be, but she has absolutely no friends or even social contacts other than online.  I've read someone describe it as "hostile dependency."  And when I saw the title of the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," I knew I was on to something.  That's our life.  

I feel hopeless about her so much of the time, especially after her suicide attempt.  I am very fortunate to have a couple of friends who are very supportive and as understanding as someone who doesn't live with this can be.  I have a lot of questions, and I hope I'll find others here who can relate.  At the very least, as I tell my friend, she's going to get a break b/c now I have new people to talk to.

[lbjnltx]

Hi again Slipping,

It's good to learn that the validation is working to help lower the emotional temperature in your interactions with your daughter.

The problem solving process is a difficult one... .it's best to leave the solutions to her as any "advice" given will not be well received and if she were to fail after taking your advice she will most likely blame you.  

There is a second step to validation... .the validating questions.  With your guidance and support she may be able to come up with her own solutions and learn how to better problem solve (logical mind) when her emotions are less forceful within.  Here is a link to an article about validating questions and how to go about using them:  

The Power of Validating Questions

Let us know what you think of the article in the poll and ask any questions you might have about it here.  We can learn together here.

lbjnltx

[Slipping]

I continue to be amazed at how everything that feels right to me as a mother simply doesn't work with my d.  It's exhausting sometimes to monitor everything I say and work on changing lifelong habits.  I'm finding, though, that the reduction in her attacks is making all the effort worth it.

I'm going to make an index card with the list of validating questions so it will be handy when she calls.  The article you linked to cautions against using the type of question where you are actually giving a solution.  I can't tell you how often I've done that, even though it never worked.  In fact, it would usually lead to her giving me multiple reasons why she did NOT need to do whatever I suggested. 

Such great information.  Thank you.