Breaking the Silence

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,

How do you deal with questions regarding NC? Whenever I meet new people and they hear that I'm from a far-away city & country, they automatically ask, "Oh do your parents still live there? Do you regularly go back to visit them?" Years ago, I tried to evade such questions and replied that I don't really go back that often, because of time, cost etc. Lately, however, I've started saying: "No. I don't go back to visit my parents, because we no longer have contact." I leave it at that and offer no explanation or detail. The person who asked usually seems pretty embarrassed and probably thinks something along the lines of "Ooops, wrong question…."

Growing up, I had to keep everything that happened in the family secret; even a few years ago, when I went into therapy, I struggled with talking about my FOO, feeling somewhat disloyal. I think it's important to be honest and open, to break that ridiculous vow of silence I had to take as a kid. On the other hand, I also feel that there is no obligation to disclose more than I'm comfortable with, and that I have no need whatsoever to justify myself.

How do you deal with questions regarding NC? What are your experiences?

Thanks,

Celia

[CeliaBea]

Hi All,

How do you deal with questions regarding NC? Whenever I meet new people and they hear that I'm from a far-away city & country, they automatically ask, "Oh do your parents still live there? Do you regularly go back to visit them?" Years ago, I tried to evade such questions and replied that I don't really go back that often, because of time, cost etc. Lately, however, I've started saying: "No. I don't go back to visit my parents, because we no longer have contact." I leave it at that and offer no explanation or detail. The person who asked usually seems pretty embarrassed and probably thinks something along the lines of "Ooops, wrong question…."

Growing up, I had to keep everything that happened in the family secret; even a few years ago, when I went into therapy, I struggled with talking about my FOO, feeling somewhat disloyal. I think it's important to be honest and open, to break that ridiculous vow of silence I had to take as a kid. On the other hand, I also feel that there is no obligation to disclose more than I'm comfortable with, and that I have no need whatsoever to justify myself.

How do you deal with questions regarding NC? What are your experiences?

Thanks,

Celia

[Leaving]

Hi Celia,

When I was younger, I was brutally honest with everyone but that's probably because I was angry that my family focused so much on maintaining a polished image. To this day, denial still angers me more than anything else.  I also needed validation and I probably needed empathy or sympathy.   But, I now realize that it's not necessary to share the specific details of my life or my relationships with everyone and I don't feel like a liar if I don't.   One of the ways that we honor ourselves is to discern and share our truth with only those who are worthy of receiving it.  There are few individuals whom you will meet who can understand and who will judge you relative to their limited experience and knowledge.  Sharing with someone who can't understand can actually hurt us. 

So, for example, it's not necessary for my boss or coworkers to know about my personal life in great detail but on the other hand, a potential spouse ( not a casual date) should know.

When reach the point that we quit identifying with the suffering imposed on us, then we can begin to live our lives as victors, not victims and we'll see ourselves as free-thinking and independent, capable of making our own choices and creating our own life while navigating the adversity in our life with grace. 

[HappyChappy]

I also feel that there is no obligation to disclose more than I'm comfortable with, and that I have no need whatsoever to justify myself.

I think that is a very good approach. There are only 3 people in my life that know (outside of the FOO and therapists) and off course this website.

To this day, denial still angers me more than anything else.  

Denial is also a big trigger for me. But if someone isn't asking I don't tell them. So I will change the topic or just say “I never really knew my mother.” Which is a bit of a conversation stopper so it changes the topic. It's also true in a way, I never knew about BNP until recently. I did tell a close friend, but he basically said he had no idea what to do with that information, but agread my BPD was scary and to be avoided.  But he was very supportive.