Hello and wow...

[JadeIshka]

I consider myself a techie person but despite living with a borderline spouse for YEARS I've only now found this community. Suffice to say, I'm relieved!

Me in a nutshell: I'm mom to four amazing kids ages 11, 15, 19, and 21, and am divorced (amicably, now) from the father of my older three. I've been co-parenting them and raising our son with my current husband of almost 12 years who I have long suspected is BPD.

I FINALLY, after that many years, have connected with a therapist who agrees with me on this. She is being incredibly diplomatic with my DH, as he flees the instant he suspects he's the "identified problem," and we're making some progress. We don't see the therapist very often in part because my husband travels for a living--sometimes every week--which is often my saving grace. When he's gone, the kids and I can breathe. When he's here, I'm constantly monitoring the environment for things that might trigger him... .it's exhausting. All that said, he can absolutely glow, and when the kids aren't around we usually do really really well. He's incredibly charismatic, especially when around people outside our family. I spend a lot of time worrying about our son, who has some of the same anger expressions as his dad. The main, and heartening, difference between my husband and son is that my husband generally lacks or struggles with empathy, and my son is very sweet.

Anyway, I look forward to having this community as an extension of my support network! I want to make this marriage work if at all possible... .and if it comes to it, want to be able to leave with grace. In all, I want to protect my son so that he grows to be a strong and loving adult.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums from a fellow mom of 4!

You will find lots of support here. If you haven't found them already, check out the lessons to the right. There is a lot of good stuff that will help you communicate better and make sense out of things whether you stay or go. Heck, I have used some of the tools in a lot of my other relationships too.

Do you have any specific questions to start?

[JadeIshka]

Welcome to the forums from a fellow mom of 4!

You will find lots of support here. If you haven't found them already, check out the lessons to the right. There is a lot of good stuff that will help you communicate better and make sense out of things whether you stay or go. Heck, I have used some of the tools in a lot of my other relationships too.

Do you have any specific questions to start?

Thank you! I feel so relieved to have found these boards. The past couple of weeks have been trying to say the least. We're in a dive right now... .

All my questions tend to be bound up in situations that particularly relate to parenting with my DH. Our son is a total peach when with only me, but when it's the three of us (whether or not my older girls are around), he starts doing things that he KNOWS triggers his dad. They're silly kid behaviors, but they make my husband's skin crawl and he overreacts. What really bums me out is that the majority of my husband's interactions with our son are negative in some way--corrective, judgmental, or neglectful--and I feel like I have to move mountains to get them to engage in something fun to shake up the triggering/controlling dynamic that tends to rule the day.

I'm so happy to have found all the helpful tools to the right of the board too--dang, it's like I found an island of sanity, because sometimes I feel like I'm totally losing my mind. The twists and turns of BPD logic are so weird that I actually keep a digital recorder close by just in case. 

Anyway, it's wonderful to connect with another mom of so many! I know there's much wisdom to be found in these boards... .whew.

[waverider]

Being stuck as piggy in the middle of family dynamics is hard, and all too common in BPD families.

A useful dynamic to be aware is the DRAMA TRIANGLE

Keep posting and contributing, there is a lot to be learned here

Waverider