Push-Pull?

[ptilda]

Hubs and I are now speaking cordially. This is good, right? He found out about my financial and other troubles and first demanded answers and when I was direct and honest, he went out of his way to offer help. Still won't see me in any way because he claims that's "risking his life," but now he's offered the little money he has and is back on board with my masters research project he insisted he help me with before things got bad.

His love language is acts of kindness. This is good and I don't want to turn him down because that can trigger him. I thanked him for the money offer but I know he's not working and he needs it as much as I do. But I'll take the help with the research. I also don't want to take money because that has been an accusation of his before that I took his "life savings" and only wanted his money . . . because whenever I think of a sugar daddy, I think of going to thee poorest nation in the hemisphere to find one (sarcasm).

I want to be sure that I don't get into the push-pull thing. I'm going forward with Plan B as well which shoukd compliment his research nicely but if one falls through the other should cover the bases.

Any advice on how to approach him and keep communication open now? I've agreed to make sure he gets his mail when it comes, and also sent him a link to a job board that at least shows him I'm looking out. I sincerely thanked him and he said his most sincere "you're welcome" in months. I also sent him a music link of beat boxing that I think he'll enjoy, but I don't want overkill.

He has firmly stated that he will do what he can for me even though we can't be married (I disagree but didn't challenge him). He continues to put it all on me and I continue to insist that I cannot and will not accept more than half the blame or responsibility and that it's OUR relationship to fix together. But it's so frustrating to continue to hear, from what sounds like in every other way to be my husband back, that I did horrible things.

Give me pointers on how to keep my cool and my sanity through this strange phase. I don't want him to pull back from here. I'm praying this is a step to getting him to be open to counseling.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[babyducks]

... .He continues to put it all on me and I continue to insist that I cannot and will not accept more than half the blame or responsibility and that it's OUR relationship to fix together. But it's so frustrating to continue to hear, from what sounds like in every other way to be my husband back, that I did horrible things.

Give me pointers on how to keep my cool and my sanity through this strange phase. I don't want him to pull back from here. I'm praying this is a step to getting him to be open to counseling.

That's a very common experience for all of us here.   It's always 100% our fault never our pwBPD.

Take a look at the lesson on circular arguments and JADE and see how that fits into your situation.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

We always say don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.   (beyond once for common sense)

You've explained where your boundary is, you are willing to look at your 50%.   

Trust me, he hasn't forgotten you said that.   

He isn't going to willingly leave this argument because he is getting something out of it.   A place to dump his painful out of control negative feelings.   The more he has a place to dump negative feelings the more negative feelings are going to get dumped. 

If you must answer keep it simple.  If you catch yourself JADE-ing find a way to stop that part of the conversation.