I'm Leaving

[Crumbling]

I'm done.  I'm done trying.  I'm done giving.  I'm done being understanding.  I'm done being forgiving and cordial.  I'm just simply done working on this relationship.

My son was here on the last night, on the last leg of his vacation before going back to a place he hates, in a job that is almost unbearable, and that prick of a husband of mine decides to yell and scream at him, belittle him and make him feel like a complete ass for doing nothing.  He picked on him so bad he ended up leaving.  I hate my husband right now, and want nothing to do with him.  It feels like the last straw.

I don't care who you are or what you think you mean to this world, you do NOT come between me and my children.  Period.

I"m sorry, but I have no questions, no seeking advice and no pondering philosophical explanations for what just happened in my house.  I am simply venting.  I'm tired of being on the roller coaster, I'm willing to give it all up... .just to make it stop.

Sometimes you need to draw a line.  When the line is crossed, what other choice do you have, but to take action?

[vortex of confusion]

   

Vent away!

You are right. There is absolutely no excuse for what he did to your son!

[JohnLove]

So sorry to hear, Crumbling. Shows your son has a healthy boundary if nothing else. Hope he had another place to stay. Hope your son knows you are in support of him and not your excuse for a husband.

Look forward to the day when you are no longer known as Crumbling. 

[Thread]

Do it girl! Proud of you! Wish I could feel that courage! 

[Crumbling]

I'm now dealing with a totally off the wagon alcoholic BPD husband.  Booze and the other stuff he takes are his only friends.  Was scoping out apartments today, but the search will be easier once the tourist' dust settles, and it's just us locals left.

My boy came back, like the devoted son he is.  We had a good morning together, talked a lot.  Things are different for me now.  I'm not intimidated by my husband, and I made it clear that no more will I accept the way he crosses the line, only to step back over it again then say he's sorry, like that's just the person he is and I need to accept it, and forgive.

My life gets disrupted when he goes on these tirades.  My moments get lost to tears, shielding myself from his verbal attacks, and trying to recover and ground myself again.  I'm sick of it.  Why do I need this in my life, and how on earth does it make me a bad person to refuse to stay and let it continue?  Do I not deserve to spend my time doing things I like doing, without all this tiptoeing and recovery?

[Crumbling]

I've been doing everything I can this summer to make this relationship work.  I've been accepting, I've been understanding, I've been clear on what my boundaries are and enforced them regularly and still, he keeps pushing the envelop, keeps making his drink his priority over EVERYTHING.  No amount of rational talk or RA has changed anything.

I think I need to find a more permanent solution ... .other than a few more weeks away at the resort.  I feel numbed.  Like there's a blockage in my emotions towards him.  Or maybe I'm just done caring... .again.  I feel like I've been here before but the solution then is different than the solution now. 

Now I'm more grounded.  I'm less bewildered and confused, more resolute than before, I guess.  There's no confusion over my role in what happened the other night... .I know I did nothing.  He took a vindictive role against my boy.  It does blow my mind as to how low he stooped to keep me from having meaningful time with him.  That's how it feels, like he knew how excited and pleased I was with my son's visit, and it triggered something in him that exploded out and purposely negated everything.

My son said it almost seemed like he was possessed or something the way he changed.  It's good to have another person's perspective.  I think S26 is being overly dramatic in his conclusion, but I really get what he means.  He saw the black side of BPD, again.  After maturing a while, and growing himself a while.  I'm proud of the man he is becoming, but he is still such a boy, in so many ways.  How could I possibly be helping my son by staying with my husband?

We say we stay 'for the kids' but at this point, for me, it doesn't feel like I can really say that.  Me being with him hurts them just as much as it hurts me.  I guess that means that the decision to stay or leave is totally mine to make.

feels heavy.

c.

[Grey Kitty]

A few thought:

1. "Staying for the kids" is an idea that can be good or bad depending on other circumstances... .with minor children. It *doesn't* apply to S26. Do you have any kids under 18? Do you have any kids living in the house with the two of you?

2. You are sounding a lot more secure in who you are and what matters to you. Awesome work. 

3. You aren't sounding certain regarding your plans for the future with (and more without) your husband.

My suggestion here is that YOU should make plans for yourself regarding what you want in the way of separation/divorce/living as a single woman... .decide what is right for you. I can't make those decisions for you. However, I will strongly suggest something regarding HOW you make the plans.

Do NOT share these plans/thoughts/ideas with your husband for discussion.

If you have people you can talk to who don't know your husband (i.e. not your son), like people on this board (especially the divorce/custody board), work through your decisions and possibilities that way.

Part of the plan will include what to tell your husband and when to do it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey crumbling, Do you have any friends or family that you could stay with on a temporary basis?  There's no good time to b/u, believe me (my BPDxW and I parted ways several years ago shortly before Christmas).  Sometimes, it's just a matter of overcoming inertia and doing it, damn the torpedoes.  It's about reaching a place where one is BTFI, that is to say, Beyond the "F" It!  I think you may have reached that point.

LuckyJim

[Crumbling]

 

I've sort of already fled,      kind of... .I've spent the last two nights camping with some friends, and when we packed up today, I kept my camping gear in the car, ready to be self-sufficient wherever there's flat, dry ground should I feel the need to.  And he's at work right now. 

My pull to stay, 'because of the kids' is also a 'because of the grand kid' scenario.  I don't have kids under 18, GK, but I have a granddaughter who has never met her real father, and has called several men 'daddy' in her short 8 years.  For me, there has been a constant urge to stay with 'Grampy.' To have at least this man as a constant in her life, if no one else.  Would that r/s, between her and H remain if we part?  Don't know.  Not sure I'm totally at a place where I'm willing to risk it.

That being said, she lives far away and if he and I are spending time apart, but still bound as a married couple... .then the issue because mute, right?  Maybe I'm being naive... .but I'm thinking we may be able to work together to make things better for both of us.  He is obviously not thriving in our present state either.

I have already been planning, in just about a week or so, to move back into the resort where I work.  That would give me another 8wks or so to  figure out a more permanent solution.  I feel confident, but cautious too.  My work is going very good.  There is a kinship that has grown between myself and my employers, that has great potential to blossom into a business partnership. 

I have had a couple of contracts on the side, selling my 'craft' and although I've just surpassed 46 years on this planet, a stranger told me this week, that I was 'the prettiest girl in the place', and there were a lot of younger, pretty ladies there!  Oh, how it lifted my heart!  I was there with H and left with H and didn't talk to the stranger again, or anything.  It was just so uplifting to hear.  It just tells me the good I feel inside is slipping out.    


BTW - I learned my lesson not that long ago about about saying something to my husband prematurely about big changes I'm considering.  I've been warned about that on here before, and I didn't listen.  It resulted in a lot of daggers being thrown at me.  This time, I'll do a better job at listening to that advice.  I can 'wing it' for a while, and have fun with the 'just camping in the area' idea, if I need to, until I head back to the resort, so I think I can hold off for a little while.

He knows he has crossed a line.  He knows something has changed.  He knows I'm not going to just continue life the way it has always been.  The most I have said to him is that he was a jerk, well, in so many words  , and that the Bible says we need to forgive 7x70 times, and I know in my heart, I've done that and more.  I have no more obligation to forgive, and I am not sure I can this time.

Thanks so much for the support and advice.  It's so helpful to know someone is out there who understands.   

[Grey Kitty]

Everybody has a different way to do things. For me, one that works really well when I need to make a big decision (like yours to leave your H), is to "Try it on" for a while.

As in tell myself I've made the decision to do "X" and let my emotions settle with it. Make the plans needed for it, work out details, and live with it for a few days (or maybe weeks on this big a decision).

There have been times when I realized that making that choice just felt heartbreaking and WRONG to me, and that became very clear soon after I made the mental commitment.

Pushing through the next week until you go back to working and living at the resort for a couple months sounds very sound and appropriate to me.

When you moved in there for the pre-season, you had all kinds of conflicts with your H about it... .do you think he has any expectation that you will do something other than go back there for a couple months? I'm guessing that it will be a lot easier to go away this time, and less of a shock to both of you.

You've learned a lot from living alone, and learned a bit from trying to live together again. You will have a chance to sort things out and think about it more in your next phase in life after that. And whatever path you choose, you can get support here. [I'd recommend active posting on Staying if you do move back in after the fall season!]

[Loosestrife]

Sorry you're going through this again. I found that living apart really helped gain some perspective in my situation. It took me another year to fully get there, but I had more down time living on my own so it helped me slowly get up from the floor so to speak and start to look around and regain some strength.