Where do I begin?
Hi my name is Matt. I guess thats as good a starting point as any.
Let me start by saying that my ability to recall details is pretty good but for some reason my ability to recall timelines and dates is horrible. There may be incongruity and remembering things later
.
I started dating my now wife in 2009. We have been married for almost 5 years now, and it is a recent (in the last couple years really) realization she most likely has BPD. As Im sure most of you know this can be an elusive diagnosis so it has changed a couple times between this and bi-polar However due to my own research I dont think its any question (and she agrees) that is is BPD. However this is complicated by PTSD from being raped the year before we started dating, Hypo-thyroidism, and various other physical ailments.
The cause of her mental health issues is no mystery, the PTSD is, as I said, from a rape. And the BPD is from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse growing up. (I know this is a lot of intimate details but I dont plan on sharing her name and I figure Im pretty anonymous.)
I will continue by saying I am not perfect, and I admit to not being the perfect spouse early on. I easily was overcome by her mental issues (at the time ptsd and diagnosed as bi-polar) an would get frustrated and argue and yell and fight. I would say I was sick of her issues and lying and exasperated things more than helped. This was not all the time, I dont want to sound abusive I wasnt but the extent of the issues was not known and I did not handle them well although I did try to work on things. There was a lot of fighting over stupid things, a lot of pushing me away and hiding from me emotionally, and a LOT of lying. It was not good for either of us and had more bad days than good around the 2-3 year mark of our marriage.
She did eventually get her self into therapy and was diagnosed with BPD and was working on things but when I talked to her about it she would just not want to discuss it at all or inform me of things that she basically was just not really disclosing everything with the therapist or making any headway. This would frustrate me because she would continue to lie to me be angry with me all the time over little things, yell at me. And things just never felt right with us anymore and I was worried about cheating at this point. Well all of this culminated in one very bad, VERY stupid fight, in the beginning of last year. She wanted me to go out with a friend saying she wanted me to have time to go out and relax I didnt want to, she was very insistent and devolved into rage over it. Well after the fight she goes to take a bath to relax and something about her attitude gets me worried. (she also has a history of cutting and had to be taken to the ER during all the fighting for cuts, I think the previous month or so.) So I go to the bathroom to check on her and hear her jump in front of the door and hold it shut. Now I know what happening. So I convince her to let me in, and sure enough the floor has blood on it and she has a towel wrapped around her arm, holding her phone. I get the phone from her and call my dad to come watch the kids while I take her to the ER. At this point she starts wanting the phone back and I dont think anything of it but say dont worry about it I have it. Then she becomes irate about the phone and Im pretty sure I know whats going on. Eventually while driving to the ER she "confesses" that she wants the phone because she was talking to a friend about how she wants a divorce. And my heart sinks. I get her to the ER and try to take care of her there best I can even though she has at this point ensured me she wants a divorce and cant b with me anymore. Eventually I leave her there, patched up but with the mental health people coming to take her to the mental health unit. I go home knowing I just lost my wife. the next few months consist of times of being kind and wanting to be friends, and fits of rage that she will not let me take the kids from her. (at this point I was not allowing the kids to be with her alone.) She got an apt in the next town over where she attended school. A new car. She started a new life. Requiring me to be part of it so the kids could see her. Luckily they were young enough that they didnt understand us being separated. Sadly they were old enough to miss mommy and let me know this as I lay awake with them at night crying.
Sorry this is so long, but I figured I might as well fully explain my self here and vent it all.
So after some time of this absolute torture, feeling like my heart is going to explode, physically hurting. she breaks it to me that she has been cheating on me. Turns out she has been cheating on me for a while with her "friend"... .my boss. So this resulted in me having to change to a new job in Walmart and take a pay cut so I didnt have to see his face as much. I find this out when we meet for her to give me the divorce papers. Well at this time I didnt know it was my boss this was lied about at the time, but it was over and she wanted me to know if I wanted to sign the papers that was fine but if not she wanted to work on things. This is where things get convoluted. It was a roller coaster of working things out, then oh Ive been cheating this whole time with multiple people, then I want a divorce again. At this point I finally gave in. I made it clear how much it killed me and how much I loved her and how I knew this was all being caused by the issues in her head but that I wasnt fighting anymore. Soon after this she came to the house to spend time with the kids and after we put them to bed she was leaving and we started talking and she was apologizing for everything. And telling me how she missed me. One thing lead to another and she stayed the night... .I thought things were on the mend. We started "dating" again to try and fix things. eventually she started staying a our place again. And then she left her facebook open and I saw messages with one of the guys she cheated on me with, the one that was a continuous thing not a one night stand. And this caused a huge fight and she wasnt sure it would work again because she didnt want to give him up. (I am convinced this was all caused by the BPD the fear of losing people even though it was this other guy she couldnt let him go.) 3 or four times this happened I would find out about her talking with this guy she would say she wasnt sure then she would break down and be so sorry and she hates her self for hurting me. Until the last time I saw any messages when I said enough is enough and gave her a choice. Be with me or leave. She said she didnt know that she loved him, she didnt love me but didnt want to hurt the kids. We didnt really talk for three days when she broke down. She did decide to stay showed me she blocked him and we started really working on things from there.
That was about a year ago. And really Things have been better and better. They started rough of course but in the last few months have been great. Now things are getting worse again. She says she doesnt know why and she loves me and I am so supportive (I am now I try to do everything I can) but she is angry over nothing all the time. She is going back to therapy and the doctor has prescribed her medication. Things still are pretty good most days. We had two days off together this past week (we usually have one or none together due to our schedules) And it was great, we did all kinds of stuff as a family and just the two of us. And our sex life has never been better. However, today, it was a bad day. Her main issue most days is feeling overwhelmed, like the whole world is crushing in on her, over nothing but that part of the BPD. Her empathy is off the charts as well. She feels everything SO deeply, real or not. But the other issue is even though she is so empathetic she is so callous to me. I am the one she takes everything out on, I am the one she is always so angry with over nothing all the time. Today she woke up overwhelmed She works overnights Saturdays so she wakes up as I get ready to leave for work in the afternoon. She woke up angry with me and being pissy with me. So I went away left her alone for a bit then when I was leaving went to talk to her again and at first she just said she was tired then said she didnt know what was wrong she just felt overwhelmed and angry. I ended up asking her if she is cheating on me. It was a mean question to ask outright but I get so worried and stressed especially with her getting upset more lately like before she left. She insisted no and broke down into tears and said she didnt know what was wrong and she doesnt blame me for not trusting her and she is so sorry. And I asked her if I needed to worry about her tonight while Im at work and she didnt know. So I told her if she needs me just let me know and I will leave early if I have to.
It is just such an exhausting experience being with someone with not only BPD but PTSD and other issues. I love my wife. Marriage is forever in my mind it doesnt matter how bad the issues are I will not leave my wife. But the stress and emotional mental exhaustion is really getting to me. I have no idea what I expect to get out of this but I felt I needed to vent it all out someplace where people would understand.
P.S.
Yes my wife cheated on me and things were horrible, No I am not going to hate her and leave her. I do have huge trust issues now and I worry shes cheating on me for no reason now. And constantly scared she will leave me, and its hard. But I am not leaving my wife, so please dont come in telling me how I just need to leave her thats not my answer, thanks.
