Hello - a letter of introduction/ plea for help

[AngelSeeking]

I am the only child of an abusive mother.  I am 57.  Having divorced my dad 54(?) yrs ago, she is getting divorced again, after disaster-dating for 50 yrs.  

Thank God that my father and step-father are "normal" and GOOD fathers.  It frightens me to my core to think how I would have turned out had it not been for my loving dad.

However, the damage is done, and I bear the scars of an emotionally-ravaged childhood with not only a "witch mother", but a "step-witch-mother", as well.

I couldn't believe how very precisely the following described me:

'... .In the case of children of mothers with BPD, children’s disorganized responses develop out of what Main (1995) refers to as an approach-avoidant dilemma. The stress associated with borderline symptomatology (e.g., erratic or volatile behavior) causes children to simultaneously cling to and push away from their caregiver. In other words, in times of danger or stress, the child searches for the mother as a “secure base” to cling to, but in the case of a mother with BPD, it is often the mother herself who is posing the threat.

Behavioral disorganization in children is inherently maladaptive and therefore of concern to mental health professionals working with children of mothers with BPD. Research shows that disorganization in childhood attains modest levels of long term stability and is linked to a host of pathological sequelae (Holmes, 2005; Van IJzendoorn et al., 1999). Disorganized children face stress management problems, frequently engage in externalizing behaviors, and may even face dissociative behaviors later in life (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 1999; Van IJzendoorn et al., 1999).

Cognitive Development

There is little known about cognitive development in children of mothers with BPD specifically, but high levels of ‘disorganized’ attachment status suggest that these children will face significant cognitive impairments. Attachment security with the primary caregiver is correlated with intellectual development and functioning of children in that responsiveness and attunement, maternal involvement, and emotional sensitivity support healthy cognitive development (see Crandell & Hobson, 1999 for a brief overview of the literature). Hence, a mother with BPD’s intrusive insensitivity and unpredictability is bound to negatively affect a child’s cognitive development.

Crandell & Hobson (1999) conducted a study of intellectual functioning in children of mothers with a ‘secure’ vs. ‘insecure’ adult attachment status. They found that children of ‘insecure’ mothers scored an average of 19 points lower on the Stanford-Binet test than children of ‘secure’ mothers. Likewise, neurobiological studies reveal that disorganized children have increased levels of cortisol and decreased mental development (Hertsgaard, Gunnar, Erickson, & Nuchmias, 1995). Since most children of mothers with BPD display high levels of disorganization, it is reasonable to presume that children of mothers with BPD are significantly stressed children who are placed at a cognitive disadvantage (Holmes, 2005). It is likely that the attachment status of children of mothers with BPD mediates the relationship between the mother’s psychopathology and the child’s level of cognitive functioning.'

Anyway, the reason I'm here now, is because I called her the other day to beg her to NOT go through with the divorce - she's almost 80, and this man would do anything for her, but she treats him like s*** (sorry).  She's SO mean to him; yet he's so thoughtful - but I have seen him stand his ground, after she's pushed and pushed and pushed.  It's like she WANTS to provoke him.  I can't make sense of this.

I digress: I don't want her to lose the best thing she's had (since my natural dad), but when I broached the subject, she blew up: 'What business is this of yours anyway?' she yelled.  When I reminded her this is MY step-father, she began listing all his faults (which is that she finds him annoying); at which point, I said 'Jesus Christ, Mom!... .(sorry again), listen to yourself!'  Then she scolded me for the the blasphemy, said that this was no way to talk to her, at which point I said I had been trying to talk to her for the past 57 yrs - and you guessed it, she hung up on me.

Three weeks later, and still no contact from her.  -oh - except for a 'bcc' e-mail that said she was changing her phone number (why the 'bcc'?).

I sent her an 'I love you' e-card about a week ago, and see she opened it (finally) two days ago - but still no response.   I'm deeply, deeply hurt and saddened.  Almost to the point to paralysis.

She's always been volatile - I've always run from her.  I would ache for her to come home - so afraid she had died on one of her dates when she didn't come home for hours, but as soon as she did, I hid out in my bedroom.  I always went to my room and closed the door - I stayed there for hours, only to come out to eat.  She called me terrible names.  She was a horrible, horrible mother.  I felt tortured, most of the time.

Anyway, so now what do I do?... .   Any suggestions?

Thank you, and bless you for reading and considering.

[Littlebean03]

Hi,  I'm sorry things aren't going well with your mom.  Kudos to you for still having a relationship with your mother! While I was reading your post,  advice from one of the moderator kept ringing in my head.

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

If you are like me,  you find it hard to think what they are feeling is logical. And in the heat of the moment you just want to scream at them about how wrong they are! And why can't they see it your way!

To help you communicate with your sister, it might help to check out some of the communication techniques described on our site such as validation and also the things we can do ourselves to end the cycle of conflict. Here are some excerpts:

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Nowhere is the communication skill of validation more important than in interfacing with highly sensitive individuals, individuals with low self esteem or individuals who are easily intimidated.  This is a very valuable tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

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Before your can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

Again, I'm sorry your mom has hurt you so much. And I commend you for wanting to continue the relationship!   Best wishes to you and I hope things can be resolved!

[Leaving]

It's really tough being the only child of a disordered parent/parents. 

Are you afraid if she gets a divorce that she will burden you even more with all her drama and welfare?  If so, I can understand that.  However, as difficult as this is for you to do, you must allow her to make her own choices and suffer the consequences.  You will need to be strong in establishing boundaries that prevent her from intruding on your life in unnecessary ways.  As an only child you will of course be responsible perhaps as power of attorney or in other ways but you need to be aware of what those necessary ways are and leave it at that. I know it's tough.   Maybe she will be happier divorced and maybe not but it's her life and you're not her dependent anymore.  What I mean is that my mother put my brother and I through 3 divorces as young vulnerable and dependent children who had to suffer the consequences of her choices and lifestyle.  But, what she does with her life today doesn't really have any direct effect on me.  Even though I'm no contact with her at the moment, I realize that at some point I'll probably have to get involved in settling her estate or burial which is more than enough involvement for me. 

If it's any help, one thing I've learned from having a BPD mother, grandmother and husband is that they do indeed often provoke or bait you into an altercation- they can start a war with a whisper.   It's horrible when they do that and very confusing.  I had to seek therapy to learn how to handle those moments.  Think of it this way... .the more vulnerable and needy they become, the more they tend to push the very ones they care about most away.  It's their fear of being abandoned that causes this and so it's almost like they just figure they may as well dive right into their fear and get the pain over with.  It's their way of controlling their own destiny instead of someone else pulling the rug out from under their life.   Call it the ' self fulfilling prophecy' I suppose?