has anyone seen the replacement coming?

[Depression = 72% of members]

You knew who he or she was "looking" to replace you with? It's been over between me and my BPDex... but I can see who the next guy is going to be he is literally a carbon copy of me looks and hobbies wise he could honestly be my brother... I really have no say in her life and who knows if he'll take the bait but it makes me feel uneasy. . When in reality I should probably be well over her... .

[problemsolver]

You knew who he or she was "looking" to replace you with? It's been over between me and my BPDex... but I can see who the next guy is going to be he is literally a carbon copy of me looks and hobbies wise he could honestly be my brother... I really have no say in her life and who knows if he'll take the bait but it makes me feel uneasy. . When in reality I should probably be well over her... .

[HappyNihilist]

I really have no say in her life and who knows if he'll take the bait but it makes me feel uneasy. . When in reality I should probably be well over her... .

What do you mean exactly by 'uneasy'? Could you elaborate a little on your feelings? Letting yourself explore your feelings is important. Follow your feelings to the specific fears, worries, etc. you might be struggling with - in regards to the situation.

What part of this situation is causing you the most discomfort - that your ex has another guy lined up, that you saw this coming, or that he's so similar to you?

The reality is that healing and detaching takes what it takes. There's nothing at all wrong with not being over your ex. Don't feel pressured to be 'over her' - if you're not, you're not. 

[valet]

I've seen a few of them come and go. I try not to let it torture me, and I would even say that witnessing that behavior from her has really validated and solidified the fact that she has some self-exploration to do. It makes me sad, on the other side of the coin, but life is still worth living.

I think that it's perfectly alright to not be over her, as HN said. This is a process. It takes time and understanding to detach, and even then your heartstrings can still be pulled on simply because you are a compassionate, caring person who doesn't want to see someone that you've spent time with in an intimate way hurting themselves by fostering unhealthy relationships.

BPD is an attachment disorder, at its roots. There are any number of reasons why she might be attracted to this guy, but the main one is this: she has to attach to escape her pain; it is not healthy love, it is unhealthy need. This isn't good or bad, but having perspective on the issue will give you the gift of knowing what is ultimately in your best interest.

Can you more fully describe the 'uneasy' feeling that you get when you think about her with someone that appears just like you?

[findingmyselfagain]

Well, it was just two days after our WEDDING SHOWER when she was texting one of her male co-workers and acting REALLY funny about it. It was our typical Tuesday hanging out and we went to see a movie, but she was so odd, like she made sure that I saw her making a point to text while we were hanging out. Then just two days after that she went to an art museum with him to hang out. She made a point to ask me where our museum pass was so I'd ask who she was going with. We'd always text constantly except for this time when she was hanging out with him. Of course I was upset and things blew up and I was made to feel as if I was to blame somehow... .

So it was this strange thing where she was throwing him in my face, almost wanting me to start something, and then somehow pointing the fingers at me as if I was to blame for all of it. At this point in our r/s we were just seemingly enjoying our wedding shower and things were going swell. We seemed to be resolving things and relatively stable. Of course, that's when intimacy trigger are really powerful for those with disorder behavior.

I would try to move on as much as possible. It's unlikely anything healthy could happen between the two of you. Like many of us, I was head over heels, and thought she was the one for me. I struggled for a while wondering just what the heck just happened and if it was something I missed. I was just in love and thought the feeling was mutual and lasting. It's been about 5 years, and she hasn't found anyone for her third marriage yet. As far as I know there have been several guys/boyfriends/whatevers. Later one of her former co-workers told me that the next r/s was full of drama and crazy.Now I see just how difficult she is to deal with. So I still feel compassion for her, and wish we could relate in the same reality. But I've had to accept it's just not possible. She has severe panic attacks and emotional triggers. I just didn't realize how deep they ran at the time. I do hope someday she's able to get along better, but it's not my job to try to help her indefinitely until the end of time.

[problemsolver]

I really have no say in her life and who knows if he'll take the bait but it makes me feel uneasy. . When in reality I should probably be well over her... .

What do you mean exactly by 'uneasy'? Could you elaborate a little on your feelings? Letting yourself explore your feelings is important. Follow your feelings to the specific fears, worries, etc. you might be struggling with - in regards to the situation.

What part of this situation is causing you the most discomfort - that your ex has another guy lined up, that you saw this coming, or that he's so similar to you?

The reality is that healing and detaching takes what it takes. There's nothing at all wrong with not being over your ex. Don't feel pressured to be 'over her' - if you're not, you're not. 

What makes me feel uneasy is I know exactly how it goes... the bad stories of people... the sex used basically as a hook... what makes me feel uneasy is I know exactly how it plays out... I just hate the fact that I know how it all plays out... "she once told me she can't handle relationships"... "how she's not mentally well" but yet it doesn't stop her from ALWAYS looking for exactly what she claimed she can't handle... and all of the above makes me feel uneasy... she seeks what she claimed she can't handle... + he's so similar etc...

[problemsolver]

I've seen a few of them come and go. I try not to let it torture me, and I would even say that witnessing that behavior from her has really validated and solidified the fact that she has some self-exploration to do. It makes me sad, on the other side of the coin, but life is still worth living.

I think that it's perfectly alright to not be over her, as HN said. This is a process. It takes time and understanding to detach, and even then your heartstrings can still be pulled on simply because you are a compassionate, caring person who doesn't want to see someone that you've spent time with in an intimate way hurting themselves by fostering unhealthy relationships.

BPD is an attachment disorder, at its roots. There are any number of reasons why she might be attracted to this guy, but the main one is this: she has to attach to escape her pain; it is not healthy love, it is unhealthy need. This isn't good or bad, but having perspective on the issue will give you the gift of knowing what is ultimately in your best interest.

Can you more fully describe the 'uneasy' feeling that you get when you think about her with someone that appears just like you?

One of the the things that gets me is she's told me she has a problem like she can't "be alone"... problems "sleeping alone" she is deathly scared of attachment but NEVER stops trying to seek it... it just doesn't make me feel good... as i mentioned above she's told me at times she can't "mentally handle" r/s that she's not well... but she re relentlessly seeks it... all that coupled with this guy being exactly like me , it just seems like she's looking for me in someone else...

[HappyNihilist]

What makes me feel uneasy is I know exactly how it goes... the bad stories of people... the sex used basically as a hook... what makes me feel uneasy is I know exactly how it plays out... I just hate the fact that I know how it all plays out... "she once told me she can't handle relationships"... "how she's not mentally well" but yet it doesn't stop her from ALWAYS looking for exactly what she claimed she can't handle... and all of the above makes me feel uneasy... she seeks what she claimed she can't handle... + he's so similar etc...

I think this is definitely worth exploring for you, problemsolver. Why do you hate knowing how it will all play out? What does that knowledge mean for you personally? Does it change the way you look back on your relationship with her?

[Herodias]

"One of the the things that gets me is she's told me she has a problem like she can't "be alone"... problems "sleeping alone"

Mine said the same thing... .in fact he made me go to bed with him so he could get to sleep... .even if it was 7pm because he had to be up earlier than me in the morning! It was ridiculous. Like a kid needing a book read to him before going to sleep! ( I just realized that!) Mine needed to replace me immediately and took the first one that went after him... .in fact she went after him before while she was married... .I told him, "good luck trusting her" I would think that would lead to more fights than normal considering she seems to be a liar as well. I believe she lied to work and said she was sick to drive him 13 hours to his home town to go to a funeral for an old neighbor of his parents this past weekend. He wanted me to give him the money to fly and I said no. Ask your gf to help you! Now I am "a heartless b___"... .Hopefully they have a miserable drive together and get to know each other extremely well. Particularly if she meets the parents who think of her as trash as it is. They told him not to go up there- he doesn't listen to anyone anymore we are all finding. They haven't really talked to him since he had another woman in my bed on Xmas! That's when I was done... .His mother has no problem cussing him out for the things he does. It should be a great visit for the new gf! It upsets his parents in that they used to be able to control him a bit... .not at all any more. Its odd you said yours is with someone just like you... .In my case, she is nothing like me except for blue eyes... .He is conservative and she is a redneck- seriously. A strange match... .She flatters him and that's all it takes to win him over. I could do it too if I wanted him back. I would love for him to get sober and then I would consider it... .I can deal with the mental illness, but not the drinking on top of it. The cheating either, but that seems to happen when he is drunk. I think he like the flattery when sober, but only acts on it when he is drinking... .could be wrong.

[problemsolver]

What makes me feel uneasy is I know exactly how it goes... the bad stories of people... the sex used basically as a hook... what makes me feel uneasy is I know exactly how it plays out... I just hate the fact that I know how it all plays out... "she once told me she can't handle relationships"... "how she's not mentally well" but yet it doesn't stop her from ALWAYS looking for exactly what she claimed she can't handle... and all of the above makes me feel uneasy... she seeks what she claimed she can't handle... + he's so similar etc...

I think this is definitely worth exploring for you, problemsolver. Why do you hate knowing how it will all play out? What does that knowledge mean for you personally? Does it change the way you look back on your relationship with her?

I know this is so cliche to say and I've read alot of different views about BPD , shining both positive and negatives - bitter views to empathetic views... But for me knowing what I know I feel as though it was a "script". As if nothing was real , it played out exactly how she wanted it to play out , she was a relative unknown where I reside. We started getting close , bringing her out and into my social groups etc etc... As time wore on , I pulled her up with me and as quickly as I pulled her up on to my "level" she kicked me right back down the hill. She now is well known "popular" has a good "image" - amongst people who never knew her before she was with me - ... and now i'm sitting here at the bottom looking up dusting off my clothes putting bandages on both arms wondering what happened, how to repair my "image" amongst people who know us both because as time wore on like most I became the bad guy her "girlfriends" would route against - I became the "abusive boyfriend" so she basically altered my whole world she got to play the victim(waif). I once touched her arm to move her to the left as I wanted to communicate with her in private while her friends were around and then later on she tells me how her friends were perceiving me as overly forceful   ... all it takes is her to say yes I agree. People who used to be friendly with me don't look at me the same I don't know if she sold them some stories or what's going on... but I feel as though I lost myself and she landed exactly where she wanted to be (when she was younger she was in trouble alot with the law so now she could play a completely new person) now I sit here and wonder will I ever be able to get back up "the hill" and be " me " again. So many of the girls that she would get irrationally jealous about now have boyfriends and are happy... I just feel like she wasted SO much time making sure none liked me instead of actually working on "growing" with me ... Basically you don't have to check if the grass is greener on the other side because as long as you water your grass it should all even out... I just look around and think why couldn't she just grow with me instead of bringing down all "female competition and people around me" and then jumping ship and leaving me to survive on my own

Basically I feel as though she dropped a bomb on my world - taking away my image , girls that were my friends ( they started to say they were intimidated to approach me or say hey because they were intimidated by her... ) and now she gets to ride off into the sunset as a new more loveable person and i'm left here to rebuild the whole town

[Jack2727]

All I can tell you is about my experience.

There is usually a moment where you trigger them to start looking for a replacement.

I got so sick and tired of her behavior that I reached out to her mother to ask her what I could do. Her mother basically told me that she had brought every guy down. She then went on to tell me how alike she was to her father, who she eventually divorced. Ultimately, her mom got back to her and told her that I was basically at my wits end and was thinking about breaking up. That triggered her and led to a series of behaviors that eventually led to my discard.

- They will turn the tables on you and start calling you possessive and crazy when you internal alarm starts going off. In the case of my ex, the last few weeks until my eventual discard I noticed changes in her behavior. She would be in almost constant contact to me from sun up to sundown. She had a set schedule and almost became predictable. The last few weeks I saw changes in these patterns. She would start calling at different times and would go to bed early. I remember a few weeks before Christmas I asked her to take some pics of the christmas decorations as a test. She was supposedly going with her dad to see some decorations. What I suspect was a cover for a date. These people are very predictable when you are their toy. You can tell something is a miss when their set patterns deviate.

- The key is this, if you are going to be discarded there is usually a short period of time where they will still hang on to you UNTIL they hook their replacement and then... .THEY DROP YOU.

It does matter if it is six month or six years, its like they forget all the time and memories and they disappear.

Then use non-BPDers are left wrecked and reeling and they move on without a care.

[findingmyselfagain]

problemsolver,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It was in that sense that I was lucky. We live on opposite sides of a large city, so I haven't bumped into her. Because we put in so much effort just hanging out with each other over the distance, we didn't have time to form a large group of mutual friends. She didn't have any close friends anyway. We were social occasionally, but most of the time it was me and her, or us and her family at her house. I hope you can rebuild your friendships. Time will likely tell on your ex. I talked to some of her friends and co-workers and they all were surprised at how quickly she fell in love and how quickly she left. She told them I was pretty much wonderful. Everyone is different, and so are pwBPDs. I really would like to be able (or to have been able) to have a healthy, adult conversation with mine. But as time goes by I realize I'm better off in a world without her drama.

[Mutt]

Hi problemsolver,

Someone else said it's Ok to not be over her. These break-ups are incredibly painful.

I can relate with your analogy when you say being at the bottom dusting off your clothes and putting on bandages and wondering what the heck happened. I completely understand. We can get back up the hill, it takes time.

Do you feel like you had missed opportunities with relationships?

Whose friends are treating you differently? Were they friends that you met through her?

[problemsolver]

Hi problemsolver,

Someone else said it's Ok to not be over her. These break-ups are incredibly painful.

I can relate with your analogy when you say being at the bottom dusting off your clothes and putting on bandages and wondering what the heck happened. I completely understand. We can get back up the hill, it takes time.

Do you feel like you had missed opportunities with relationships?

Whose friends are treating you differently? Were they friends that you met through her?

My friends in the sense that , I've heard the "move on" so many times as none understands the things that were said/have happened or understands what BPD is... and others weren't people I've met through her they were originally just neutrals and they used to be very friendly with me then my BPDex befriended them and now they don't seem to interact the same at all.

Do I feel I had missed opportunities? in a sense , I'm just trying to get over the fact that while I was trying so hard to make it work , it seems like she was trying her best to make it so she was the only option available in my life/ nullified me from the certain people she didn't want me around at least.

[Mutt]

My friends in the sense that , I've heard the "move on" so many times as none understands the things that were said/have happened or understands what BPD is... and others weren't people I've met through her they were originally just neutrals and they used to be very friendly with me then my BPDex befriended them and now they don't seem to interact the same at all.

There are two sides to a story.

Did these friends come to you and ask you about your side so that you could explain?

[HappyNihilist]

Basically I feel as though she dropped a bomb on my world - taking away my image , girls that were my friends ( they started to say they were intimidated to approach me or say hey because they were intimidated by her... ) and now she gets to ride off into the sunset as a new more loveable person and i'm left here to rebuild the whole town

It's not fair that your world was destroyed and she just goes on with business as usual.  

There's another truth here, though - she will probably never grow and change, while you will. She may always be filled with internal torment, never able to experience true intimacy. You can learn from experiences, develop yourself as an individual person, and find healthy relationships.

Rebuilding your town is a great opportunity to make sure it's the way you want it.  

I'm sorry you've lost friendships because of the relationship. Do you think maybe you could rekindle some of those friendships, now that you and your ex are broken up?

Take care of You.  

[balletomane]

I'd seen him smash from relationship to short-lived relationship like an out of control bumper car before we even became a couple (I was stupid enough to think I would be different) so after our relationship exploded I knew that I would be replaced in the end. I guessed that it would be one of two particular women. However, after our break-up we continued being a couple in all but name for over a year, and he kept saying I was the most precious person in his life and how confused he was, so I was lulled into a false security - I thought that maybe he did care. Then after fourteen months of this he arranged to meet me and said, "I have some news that will alarm you. S and I got together."

S is one of the two women I had guessed might be my replacement.

[Herodias]

Mine has totally replaced me, but has not cut me off completely. Maybe because we will not be divorced until Jan. I guess somehow he think I am still supposed to help him out all the time.Wifely duties or something. Every time I refuse, he just gets madder and madder. It's ridiculous... .I am almost ready for NC... .did it for a month and a half, but he has a court date next week I need to know the outcome, due to finances. I am sure he will get out of the situation as he ALWAYS does (drives me nuts)... .if not, NC will be easy as he will be in jail. We will see. Some how I have to shut this off as I am continuing to be tortured... .by my allowing it to happen... .I know, I know.