Hi Tangy
In my dealings with more then one BPD in my life, my experience / I believe that they don't have a concept of passing time no matter how long separations last, 2 weeks or 18 years. I hadn't talked to my first exBPDgf in nearly 18-20 years after a separation that could be describe as the nuclear option. I thought I would never hear from her again until after my second divorce when my BPD mother gave her my number. Because of professional reasons I can't change my number but I sure as hell can block her text & phone calls. In question to your cell phone coverage ... .I would agree with once removed in that it might be the fear of abandonment that he doesn't do it. If you're paying for the plan set a boundary & give him a 1 week deadline to change it before you remove him from the plan. It's fair, it's enough time, & you reduce your cash outflow & it will help with your emotional attachment.
Your comment of him sending an email about a concert like nothing had happened is ALL to familiar to me and others in the group. I've read more then a couple of places that when they do things like that it's quite possible that they don't really remember the actions they did or the things that they said. Remember, you're dealing with a very damaged person who has severe behavior illness. Also remember that this happened long before you showed up int he picture and that YOU didn't Cause it. You also learned that YOU can't Control it and BTW ... .YOU can't CURE it!. After the reading & talking to a couple of people I'm of the mindset that they really don't remember negative things because of the emotional, mental, physical abuse or event that happen in their life before I was with her. It's a defense mechanism to cope with negative events in their life even as an adult. It's like that of a 3 yr old toddler ... .if they don't like what they're hearing when you tell them no you can't do that they put their fingers in their ear and yell nanannana I can't hear you and shortly there after they end up doing the very thing you told them not to do.
You have to keep a sense of humor when in a relationship with someone who is BPD. It's a behavioral thing they've learned ... .I know it doesn't make sense but nothing in a relationship with someone who has BPD is going to be normal ... .EVER!
I've also come to believe that unless they want to get help on their own which will probably last a lifetime there will be no normalcy ever in their or your life. My exBPDgf has been going to therapy on and off for decades and is currently seeing a therapist for a length period of time. She is starting to paint me white again ... .other facets of her life are starting to calm down, not causing her so much turmoil or stress and the current bf that she's been seeing is becoming more black. I have my own theory about it ... .would love to get the group thoughts on it including yours ... .
After speaking with her more then once since we broke up ... .she has told me she's not getting what she wants from the relationship with him & had to come to this decision on her own. She also told me that she's going to have to end it, and had to come to that realization on her own as well. I asked her what she saw in him, what was attractive about the relationship ... .NOT so much him ... .but what she did she get from the relationship. She told me that was a good question ... . She told me that when she's with him, he provides for a fantasy world away from her day to day stress, frustration and day to day drama that she has with her two kids & ex-husband. His kids are grown up & out of the house, he makes very good money and they go on weekend get aways, a couple of trips in the last 12 months. It's not real she said. He doesn't want to hear about any of my frustrations & fears with the kids. He doesn't want to hear about my day at work. He doesn't want to hear me ramble about anything and everything. He's a just tell me the important facts about xyz & lets fix it. Any man who has studied relationships with a woman knows that they don't want you to fix it, they want you to listen to them.
A little humor there ladies. So why he provides a atmosphere of carefree fun, no stress, he doesn't want any part to deal with the real life issues she deals with on a daily basis. SO, he's nothing but an escape. She's starting to tell me more about the kids & the new school year, a small insight to her new job. She shares a few more things then she did. Her world is becoming less stressful, less frustrating. Her ex-husband is engaged to marry, she now has a house vise an apartment, job less stressful, kids are adapting to new environments without major issues. SO his purpose of providing a fantasy world is becoming less and less. She IMHO is wanting to have something more real, more tangible, more emotional fulfilling and is sharing more with me to make that happen. Hey it's an
... .it's a theory that I toss around. I'm very ... .VERY cautious of things going forward and the boundaries I've put in place have help a lot for me & her. She has told me that once she does call things off with him one day doesn't mean that we're a couple the next. I told her I completely agree and would not expect that. In fact I told her that we would have to have a conversation if & when we come to that bridge before I cross it. I'm already not in a relationship with her ... .I have nothing to lose by putting in a new boundary or two and asking the tough questions that need to be asked ... .but as I said ... .I haven't crossed that bridge yet.
Please come back and let us know how you're doing, what your doing and to get a oh and let me know your thoughts on this last paragraph too ... .
J
