Ending by E-mail

[leo25i]

Hi all,

I am nearly one year on from break up with my ex girlfriend who displayed BPD traits, but as far as i know was undiagnosed.

We were friends/colleagues for nealry 10 years.

We shared an intimate relationhsip for 7 months.

She ended it by e mail which was a huge shock to me. our story like most is/was very complicated and I won't go into it here. But i was just wondering how many peope have expereinced their ex partners ending their relationship by e mail, and that was that.

I loved her with all my heart and soul, i wil never never love like that again, and although i have moved on hugley in most areas of my life, i can still can't understand how she could just end it so suddenly by e mail she was 42 and i was 48.

Thankyou for reading. Stay strong and allow the weakness.

[Pretty Woman]

That is heartbreaking and something you and I will never understand. Normal people who possess empathy and compassion are not like this. We are not cut from the same cloth as the BPD ex.

Thank God!

What this leaves us with is no closure. Zero, Nada, Nothing. That is what we have to give ourselves. Any forgiveness for our part in the "BPD Swing Dance Contest"... .you know, the one where we end up in a pile on the floor broken and there are no winners... .

we need to forgive ourselves for that too.

This reminds me of the show Sex and the City... .where Berger breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note.

There are many, many broken souls in this forum who have been where you are now. Even I understand this pain. What helps is reading more about BPD and therapy... .therapy helps a lot. 

Try to stay busy and social too.

Remember... .you were an object. BPD's cannot really give or accept love. That is NOT your fault. You are capable of these things.

PW

[JRT]

Hi all,

I am nearly one year on from break up with my ex girlfriend who displayed BPD traits, but as far as i know was undiagnosed.

We were friends/colleagues for nealry 10 years.

We shared an intimate relationhsip for 7 months.

She ended it by e mail which was a huge shock to me. our story like most is/was very complicated and I won't go into it here. But i was just wondering how many peope have expereinced their ex partners ending their relationship by e mail, and that was that.

I loved her with all my heart and soul, i wil never never love like that again, and although i have moved on hugley in most areas of my life, i can still can't understand how she could just end it so suddenly by e mail she was 42 and i was 48.

Thankyou for reading. Stay strong and allow the weakness.

I was with mine for a total of 2 years... .it was a fairly placid relationship and we never argued or had fights (she was a waif)... .we got engaged... .she sold her furniture and moved in... .three weeks later I went out of town for work, she sent me a text that read:

'our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .don't try to contact me'

She blocked me and used threats from the law and lawyers to intimidate me from contacting her. That was a year ago; I have not heard a word from her.

I got eng

[leo25i]

Wow jrt that sounds very harsh. Its very very difficult to understand isn't it. I was painted black in the last e mail suddenly it was hard to accept and its been a hard year but i think i'm gradually coming to terms with it. There are some things i have to accept that will not get answers to. Although i've known this rationally all along its been very hard to accept emotionally.

[JRT]

Wow jrt that sounds very harsh. Its very very difficult to understand isn't it. I was painted black in the last e mail suddenly it was hard to accept and its been a hard year but i think i'm gradually coming to terms with it. There are some things i have to accept that will not get answers to. Although i've known this rationally all along its been very hard to accept emotionally.

Sure was... .completely out of the blue... .

Let me know if I can be at all helpful to you.

[Invictus01]

"Thank you for flowers and candy. It wasn't necessary but appreciated. I'm such a lucky girl to have such a good friend. I feel 100% better *smiley face*" That was the text "break up" of a 6.5 month relationship with no explanation, reason or anything like that. Just a text with a smiley face at the end. Good times

[JRT]

"Thank you for flowers and candy. It wasn't necessary but appreciated. I'm such a lucky girl to have such a good friend. I feel 100% better *smiley face*" That was the text "break up" of a 6.5 month relationship with no explanation, reason or anything like that. Just a text with a smiley face at the end. Good times

WOW! Did you ever see or hear from her again?

[Invictus01]

"Thank you for flowers and candy. It wasn't necessary but appreciated. I'm such a lucky girl to have such a good friend. I feel 100% better *smiley face*" That was the text "break up" of a 6.5 month relationship with no explanation, reason or anything like that. Just a text with a smiley face at the end. Good times

WOW! Did you ever see or hear from her again?

She resurfaced 6 weeks later. I ignored her text. Another a couple of months later, I sent her a text saying that I still was trying to understand what happened to us, that I loved her and there was no way I would be her friend until I'm done feeling that way. She replied that she really wanted friendship. I didn't reply. 2 months later she resurfaced again, saying that she was moving to my state and wanted to catch up. We have been in touch for the past 4 months or so, here and there. I actually did see her a couple of months ago. That was a dumb idea, pretty much knocked me back to day 1 for a week or so. Since then, I have been trying to stay away, but every time I think she feels like I am walking, she shows up. The last time was 3 weeks ago when I updated my picture on LinkenIn and she texted me at like 11 pm saying "great LinkenIn pic!" I pretty much gave up on trying to understand her.

[coldmist]

"Thank you for flowers and candy. It wasn't necessary but appreciated. I'm such a lucky girl to have such a good friend. I feel 100% better *smiley face*" That was the text "break up" of a 6.5 month relationship with no explanation, reason or anything like that. Just a text with a smiley face at the end. Good times

Holy crap! My exgf did the exact same thing to me including the smiley face at the end. I sent her a text simply saying I hope she was having a good day. Her response was "you too *smiley face*". She ghosted me the next day and I haven't heard anything from her in the 6 months since.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi leo, and welcome! I'm glad you found us. It helps to talk.

You knew your ex for a long time before the intimate relationship. I would imagine that makes it especially difficult to understand how she could do something as 'cold' as break up by email. People who have BPD or BPD traits often find it easier to deal with emotionally volatile situations from a distance. BPD is a disorder of poor emotional regulation, and people with BPD are easily overwhelmed by their emotions. Ending things suddenly, from a distance, and 'disappearing' are tactics that can help them avoid feeling overwhelmed. It's difficult for them to empathize with others because they are so focused on their own emotional survival.

You say that you will "never never love like that again." Could you elaborate on this a little bit?

Again, welcome. 

[SGraham]

Mine ended it by text so i guess the same essence as getting dumped via e mail. I know it's tough bud, getting dumped that way is total chicken sht.

[reflection]

Similar to a few responses on this thread, mine ended it with a text, something similar to "You should move on and find another girl" followed by a block. This is after she asked me to do several things to prove to her I loved her which I naively did.

[leo25i]

 Hi leo, and welcome! I'm glad you found us. It helps to talk.

You knew your ex for a long time before the intimate relationship. I would imagine that makes it especially difficult to understand how she could do something as 'cold' as break up by email. People who have BPD or BPD traits often find it easier to deal with emotionally volatile situations from a distance. BPD is a disorder of poor emotional regulation, and people with BPD are easily overwhelmed by their emotions. Ending things suddenly, from a distance, and 'disappearing' are tactics that can help them avoid feeling overwhelmed. It's difficult for them to empathize with others because they are so focused on their own emotional survival.



You say that you will "never never love like that again." Could you elaborate on this a little bit?

Again, welcome. 

Hi thankyou for your e mail. You hit the nail on the head, we shared everything over those 10 years we were so close i can't explain how much we meant to each other. When we got together it was like all of our dreams had come true Within a week she said she wanted 'to gift me a child' and that she wanted to bare my child and talked about me moving in and planning for the future. It was like everything i had ever wanted had happened. I have never wanted to ask anyone to marry me before but now i wanted to marry her. In terms of elaborating quite simply as i told her i had never loved or been loved in the way i had with her , thats why i believe i will never love like that again. Even in the last week she waas asking me if  i felt that we were destined to be together and that she was going to listen to "endless love" and a host of other things that made me think we were ok. Interestingly though there were also signs that everything were not ok at i chose to ignore. Its been such a confusing year i can't explain. I am working things out now, and i have on going therapy 2 x a week. Thankyou for your support everyone.

[HappyNihilist]

You hit the nail on the head, we shared everything over those 10 years we were so close i can't explain how much we meant to each other.

I can imagine.   It's very hard to lose a close relationship like that.

When we got together it was like all of our dreams had come true Within a week she said she wanted 'to gift me a child' and that she wanted to bare my child and talked about me moving in and planning for the future. It was like everything i had ever wanted had happened. I have never wanted to ask anyone to marry me before but now i wanted to marry her. In terms of elaborating quite simply as i told her i had never loved or been loved in the way i had with her , thats why i believe i will never love like that again.

Do you think maybe you were also in love with the fantasy? The 'dream come true' and 'everything you wanted'?

Disordered relationships have a love-bombing, high intensity early phase. The emotional bond is fast and strong. She wanted to bear your child within a week - that's definitely fast-tracking it. Even though you knew each other for a long time, once the intimate relationship started, it did so with a bang. Unfortunately, that level of intensity can't be sustained. Eventually the 'dream come true' becomes reality - and that's usually when the relationship breaks.

You certainly have the capacity to love very deeply and intimately. Don't feel like this chance has passed for you somehow, because it hasn't.

Even in the last week she waas asking me if  i felt that we were destined to be together and that she was going to listen to "endless love" and a host of other things that made me think we were ok. Interestingly though there were also signs that everything were not ok at i chose to ignore.

What signs did you ignore?

[leo25i]

Hi happynihilist, I must say thankyou so much for your words, support and wisdom, your insight into my situation us uncanny... .you asked

Do you think maybe you were also in love with the fantasy? The 'dream come true' and 'everything you wanted'?

Yes of course I was in love with the Fantasy she told me everything I wanted to hear, I had shared my innermost dreams and hopes with her for 10 years and can remember telling her during our friendship that i would give up everything I own to have a my own child with someone. She knew that what she offered to me very soon after we became intimate was all my dreams come true.

Disordered relationships have a love-bombing, high intensity early phase. The emotional bond is fast and strong. She wanted to bear your child within a week - that's definitely fast-tracking it. Even though you knew each other for a long time, once the intimate relationship started, it did so with a bang. Unfortunately, that level of intensity can't be sustained. Eventually the 'dream come true' becomes reality - and that's usually when the relationship breaks.

The love bombing was intense - it was weird because at time I can remember feeling uncomfortable with the intensity, but not being able to understand why it felt like there was something odd about it. I can remember her telling me I need to know everything about me and if she didn't know she would make it up.

What signs did I ignore

all of them - she said I was getting in the way of her social life, she said i was a weak man , she said i had a weak ego, she said that our relationship had been weird and that we should never have got together. On the last day I saw her I had fixed her bike cut her lawns for her and helped a bit with child care - this was juxtaposed against her also asking if I felt we were destined to be together forever and other things which led me to believe that things were ok.

thanks so much HappyNihilist

[HappyNihilist]

You're very welcome, leo.   It helps so much to talk.

Yes of course I was in love with the Fantasy she told me everything I wanted to hear, I had shared my innermost dreams and hopes with her for 10 years and can remember telling her during our friendship that i would give up everything I own to have a my own child with someone. She knew that what she offered to me very soon after we became intimate was all my dreams come true.

She knew you very well before the relationship started, and she knew what you desired, needed, and valued. She made you believe that she was everything you wanted and that she could fulfill your dreams and hopes.

That's a very effective 'hook.' We're all humans with hopes and dreams, and when we feel like we've found someone who embodies all of that, it's exhilarating - and we don't want to give it up or lose it.

It's devastating when the fantasy fades away and a very different reality is left in its place.

The love bombing was intense - it was weird because at time I can remember feeling uncomfortable with the intensity, but not being able to understand why it felt like there was something odd about it. I can remember her telling me I need to know everything about me and if she didn't know she would make it up.

I understand completely - with my exBPDbf, I was uncomfortable with that initial intensity too, but I still got caught up in it.

It sounds like your instincts were telling you that something was 'off' with the fast-tracked intimacy. One thing I've learned from my own experience is how important it is for us to listen to what our intuition is telling us - it's 'pinging' for a reason.

Part of the healing process is learning how to listen to yourself. It may be helpful to further explore those initial uncomfortable feelings. What particular things 'pinged' your discomfort radar? In what ways did the love bombing feel 'wrong'? In what ways did it feel 'right'?

she said I was getting in the way of her social life, she said i was a weak man , she said i had a weak ego, she said that our relationship had been weird and that we should never have got together.

I'm so sorry, those are painful things to hear from someone you love. 

People with BPD often engage in extreme idealization and devaluation in their relationships. When you are idealized, you can do no wrong; when you are devalued, you can do no right. This is one way that they cope with their overwhelming emotions and fear of intimacy. The devaluation is especially devastating after being so highly idealized.

You cared a lot for her, and shared so much with her. The end of a relationship like this is painful, and leaves behind a lot of confusion. It's hard.

It's important to take care of yourself as you detach and heal. 

[joeramabeme]

It sounds like your instincts were telling you that something was 'off' with the fast-tracked intimacy. One thing I've learned from my own experience is how important it is for us to listen to what our intuition is telling us - it's 'pinging' for a reason.

Part of the healing process is learning how to listen to yourself.

HappyNihilst, thanks for saying that.  I have heard this so many times on this board and my closest friends have repeatedly told me the same.  Yet, it has been the hardest thing for me to accept that my intuition was spot on.  It is the one part of my being that, no matter how much I try, I cannot override.  It would be interesting to read a little more detail about how we have an internal guidance system that sees our behaviors (almost like a 3rd party) and tries to instruct our direction (even when we act contrary to its wisdom).

[leo25i]

Dear HappyNihilist, thank you  for your support on this forum I wish i had posted last year rather than waiting, I am gaining greater insight into my own behaviour and difficulties as well as a greater understanding of what her behaviour was 'about'. Sorry I haven't got the hang of the quote thing here so I copy and paste and Underline instead!


Part of the healing process is learning how to listen to yourself. It may be helpful to further explore those initial uncomfortable feelings. What particular things 'pinged' your discomfort radar? In what ways did the love bombing feel 'wrong'? In what ways did it feel 'right'?

I guess it felt wrong because it was so early on. When I first told her how I felt - she asked me to tell her over and over what i felt for her (this was within the first hour), and she would stand there or sit there and listen intently and then ask for more, it just felt a bit 'odd' (please remember I had loved her for many years before my declaration so I had  alot to say). She was very sexual very early on which in all honesty I loved, but it was very intense. The amount of kisses (xxxxxx) and adoration in her early texts and e mails were second to none. In one e mail she quoted passages from the bible comparing me to Jesus Christ. (she had a very disturbed upbringing with a mum who believed that she was had evil spirits in her and knew a lot of quotes from the bible). I had known about her difficult childhood because we had shared many things during our friendship. I thought she sorted them out and quite honestly the promise of children together and me moving in with her within two weeks of getting together, coupled with feeling love and loved in ways in which I had genuinely never felt before meant that I ignored every warning sign in the belief that our love would conquer all.

I suppose what puzzles me know nearly one year one from our final break (19/09/2014, she had ended it before) is that in my heart I feel as though I would sacrifice everything to be back with her EVEN THOUGH my rational mind knows it would be a disaster! I am in therapy so am getting a greater insight it my role within all of this but expressing some things on here is adding an insight/support I have so far been unable to get anywhere else, and for that I  thankyou again HappyNihilist 

[HappyNihilist]

Yet, it has been the hardest thing for me to accept that my intuition was spot on.  It is the one part of my being that, no matter how much I try, I cannot override.  It would be interesting to read a little more detail about how we have an internal guidance system that sees our behaviors (almost like a 3rd party) and tries to instruct our direction (even when we act contrary to its wisdom).

This was so hard for me to accept, too, joe. I sympathize, believe me. 

One really good book on this topic is The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Its focus is mostly on preventing violence, but I believe the insight and lessons are universal. This thread provides a good overview and discussion - Book Review: The Gift of Fear - Gavin De Becker


leo, you're welcome! I'm so glad you're gaining insight and understanding into your relationship and (most importantly) yourself. This is a very supportive and encouraging family, and we're happy to have you. 

It's great that you're in therapy, too. My therapist was an absolute lifesaver for me. What kinds of things have you been exploring in therapy?

the promise of children together and me moving in with her within two weeks of getting together, coupled with feeling love and loved in ways in which I had genuinely never felt before meant that I ignored every warning sign in the belief that our love would conquer all.

I understand. Many of us here ignored warning signs because we felt like our exes were our dreams come true. It's human to have deep desires and hopes. If we're especially aching to have these dreams fulfilled, we will be more vulnerable and more prone to denying/ignoring our instincts. We're convinced that our love will prevail over all hardships - that it can change reality.

I'd like to share of the 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck, from this article - Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now. For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face.

Have you had the chance to look at the Lessons on Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship here? There you can find even more information and advice on detachment, the realities of BPD, self-discovery, and the beliefs that can get you stuck

[still_in_shock]

My ex-husband ended our marriage via text... .I hope it makes you feel better

Hi all,

I am nearly one year on from break up with my ex girlfriend who displayed BPD traits, but as far as i know was undiagnosed.

We were friends/colleagues for nealry 10 years.

We shared an intimate relationhsip for 7 months.

She ended it by e mail which was a huge shock to me. our story like most is/was very complicated and I won't go into it here. But i was just wondering how many peope have expereinced their ex partners ending their relationship by e mail, and that was that.

I loved her with all my heart and soul, i wil never never love like that again, and although i have moved on hugley in most areas of my life, i can still can't understand how she could just end it so suddenly by e mail she was 42 and i was 48.

Thankyou for reading. Stay strong and allow the weakness.

[Bigmd]

Mine ended with a phone call on her lunch break. This is a woman I got divorced for. She told me I'm very good looking and I should find a younger woman. What the heck!

[leo25i]

Hi still in shock


My ex-husband ended our marriage via text... .I hope it makes you feel better smiley



Thanks for you comment and sorry your husband ended your marriage bybtext... .but it doesn't really make me feel better, it doesn't really work like that for me. I never saw her again after the e mail so will never really know or understand what happened.