Extreme push-pull has an unexpected ending.

[Cole]

Those who have seen my threads have a little background on the extreme push-pull I get from BPDw. She is leaving, she is staying. I am evil, I am wonderful. She hates where we live, she loves it and could never imagine moving.

Last week, she announced she had another job offer in her home town (another state) and was leaving Saturday. She would start her new job Monday and stay with her parents for 2 weeks until her apartment was ready on October 1st.  

I responded by telling her that I love her and would miss her, but that this was for the best, because she is not happy here. She got upset when I said I would work with her on an amicable divorce; I guess she had not thought that far ahead.  

Saturday, she packed up and moved out, stating she would come back next weekend to continue packing.

Sunday morning, she called just say hi. An hour later, just to say she missed me. Then later to ask if I would consider getting back together in two weeks if she realizes she made a mistake.

By call #7 Sunday evening, she called begging me to take her back. She said she would close her FB account, stop all the trips to her home town, increase visits to her counselor, and look for a marriage counselor for us if I would let her come home. It is funny how she acts like I threw her out, when the entire event was of her doing.  

I told her I had a nice dinner made for the kids and me and to come home hungry. She began crying and told me she was already half way home.

So far, she has moved back into the master bedroom (we have had separate rooms for going on 3 years). She closed her FB account (she was on it 5-8 hours a day) and called her friends in her home town (mostly bitter, divorced women and men who are already asking her out when she has not even filed for divorce yet) and told them she cannot keep going over there to relive high school with them. She called her T yesterday to set up a lot of appointments and today found us a marriage counselor.  

I asked her what changed while she was gone during our 31 hour separation. She said, "Sometimes you have to be looking down the barrel of the gun before you realize you don't want to die."  

Hopefully, she scared herself a little ways toward recovery.  

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I am glad she seems motivated, Cole!

Are you going to put down some boundaries for her to stay, like we need to do counseling at least once every 2 weeks, etc?

[Cole]

I am glad she seems motivated, Cole!

Are you going to put down some boundaries for her to stay, like we need to do counseling at least once every 2 weeks, etc?

Interestingly enough, the boundaries I set were to get off FB and get engaged in reality, stop putting her HS friends in front of me and the kids, go to counselling, and go to MC. She took my boundaries and set then as her new goals. 

[Cole]

The hard part to understand is the current mixed behavior. She came home of her own accord. She is making changes of her own accord. But she has also been distant and short tempered, complaining that everyone in her life is mean to her.

She wants to plan a big party in 3 weeks and invite all my family. Yet, a few minutes ago she said the the first thing we are discussing in MC is my mother and how horrible she is to her and why my entire family hates her and attacks her.

There is a long way to go yet, because the push/pull, black/white, good/bad issues in her head are still there. And despite really wanting to come back, she is seriously depressed.

[Skip]

How can you build on this? How can you be different to set a different pace?

[Cole]

How can you build on this? How can you be different to set a different pace?

Therein lies the challenge. All the logic and rational discussion in the world cannot change her belief that everyone is horrible to her. Feelings are her reality, no matter how unfounded they may be. Many of the examples of people being mean to her never actually happened; someone says, "Hi, how are you?" and she hears, "I hate you, you are worthless."

I don't understand the depression aspect, either. She was so happy to talk to me Sunday and could not wait to come home. But she has been cold, distant and short tempered since she got here.  

I can only be nice and understanding until she gets to her T and the MC next week and hope they can help her. Trying to convince her that everyone does not hate her is not going to do anything but make her even more set in that belief; she is remarkably stubborn once she gets on an idea.     

[Skip]

The hard question is how can you handle it differently?

Something has to change for there to be a different outcome.

[Cole]

The hard question is how can you handle it differently?

Something has to change for there to be a different outcome.

Agreed. Unfortunately, I do not know what that something is. Hopefully, between her T and our new MC we can figure it out. They are in the same practice and we are agreeing to allow them to share information.