Obsessing over a BPD ex-gf

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 31 years old with no prior marriages or children. A year ago I met a 38 year old woman who has 3 children (10, 12, 14). She is absolutely beautiful and very sexually forward. She made me feel incredibly needed and wanted in the beginning of our relationship. After about 5 months I moved in with her, and passed up a 6 figure job offer in another state to be with her.

A month later she started isolating me from my friends... .She drank a lot too much. One day she got super drunk, threw my stuff out the front door, hit me, kicked me, yelled at me, accused me of sacrificing nothing for her, went through my phone and sent text messages to every girl in my phone (including my friends' moms and my sister) and told them to leave me alone, then drove drunk to a town 30 mins away, wrecked her can, and went into a bar and kept drinking. Her friend had to go find her and bring her home.

She consistently split between telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to her and begging me not to leave her (which I wasn't planning on doing) and then accusing me of cheating on her (which I never did) and telling me to get the hell out. In the end I started having trouble even talking to her. I couldn't engage with her at all. I loved her but I didn't know how to talk to her because every time I tried she would be hurt or get angry with me. I couldn't talk to her about anything any more. She used that against me and eventually made me believe that our relationship failed because I couldn't talk to her anymore. I loved her so much. And, in the end she spent the last two months we were together cheating on me with a 26 year old she works with... .

I don't know how to let her go now. I miss her all the time and I want her back, but I also know that would never work. I don't know how to let go now. She wants me to completely go away. I just don't know how to do this anymore. I keep running into her in places and she's with him... .I don't know how to let this obsession with needing her or wanting her... .I don't know how to let it go... .Please help

[scootzinc]

I'm 31 years old with no prior marriages or children. A year ago I met a 38 year old woman who has 3 children (10, 12, 14). She is absolutely beautiful and very sexually forward. She made me feel incredibly needed and wanted in the beginning of our relationship. After about 5 months I moved in with her, and passed up a 6 figure job offer in another state to be with her.

A month later she started isolating me from my friends... .She drank a lot too much. One day she got super drunk, threw my stuff out the front door, hit me, kicked me, yelled at me, accused me of sacrificing nothing for her, went through my phone and sent text messages to every girl in my phone (including my friends' moms and my sister) and told them to leave me alone, then drove drunk to a town 30 mins away, wrecked her can, and went into a bar and kept drinking. Her friend had to go find her and bring her home.

She consistently split between telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to her and begging me not to leave her (which I wasn't planning on doing) and then accusing me of cheating on her (which I never did) and telling me to get the hell out. In the end I started having trouble even talking to her. I couldn't engage with her at all. I loved her but I didn't know how to talk to her because every time I tried she would be hurt or get angry with me. I couldn't talk to her about anything any more. She used that against me and eventually made me believe that our relationship failed because I couldn't talk to her anymore. I loved her so much. And, in the end she spent the last two months we were together cheating on me with a 26 year old she works with... .

I don't know how to let her go now. I miss her all the time and I want her back, but I also know that would never work. I don't know how to let go now. She wants me to completely go away. I just don't know how to do this anymore. I keep running into her in places and she's with him... .I don't know how to let this obsession with needing her or wanting her... .I don't know how to let it go... .Please help

[lovenature]

Hey Scoot, welcome to the family  

I know how tough it is to want someone who treated you like this; my uBPDexgf lied to me about a relationship with another man, not only did I forgive her but I also was ok with her going out with the guy she lied about when she told me they were now just friends (what she originally said about him), then she accuses me of cheating (the needy/victim, fixer/rescuer dynamic really had me in the FOG). It has been over 3 years now and only gotten worse, we haven't had much of a relationship for over 2 years but she just won't leave me alone (lives across the street).

I can tell you it only gets worse the longer you stay and try to make things work, a pwBPD makes up their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment-past, present, and future. What is really sad is the more you love them and try and show them you are honest, faithful, and won't leave them, the more they fear you will see who they really are (core shame, hate, lack of sense of self), and push you away. Many are involved with someone else before they leave and will triangulate you with them, playing the victim is a BPD trait. Only years of therapy and the pwBPD wanting that help will bring any positive change; sadly most won't accept responsibility for their actions and just continue blaming others for what's happened in their life.

I would recommend staying NC (she will likely contact you at some point), read and learn about BPD, and focus on you and why you want/need her; a lot of us have co-dependency issues that we need to work on.

[scootzinc]

Thank you for the advice... .Let me add a bit more context... .When I was younger... .my parents relationship went sour... .I was basically emotionally supporting both parents. My dad was a people pleaser/co-dependent type. My mom is much closer to the BPD type. I had to tell my dad that it was okay to leave if he couldnt hold it together. My mom then focused her BPD tendancies on me... .Essentially, both of them were not available when I needed them... .And, that likely explains why it's so difficult to let her go. I keep emailing her trying to say something that will have some kind of positive impact, even though I know nothing will come of it. I'd like to email her one more time yet try to be somewhat empathetic of her BPD traits... .yet I'm still so hurt that she cheated on me and moved on so quickly... .I don't even know what to say or how to say it anymore... .otherwise I know that I should just not contact her anymore... .but I'm struggling with not being able to detach... .

[lovenature]

I know how tough it is to detach, I am still struggling with it; the best closure and detachment comes from learning about the illness and that also will help to de-personalize her words/actions that were so hurtful.

I will say that learning about BPD has helped but also hurt me; it helped to make sense of the craziness, but hurt me knowing it is an illness and my ex. didn't intentionally use and hurt me. Truth is we didn't cause the illness and can't fix it, they are adults and have to be accountable for their actions.

[scootzinc]

I know the best course of action at this point is no contact... .but if I were to say anything to her... .would you have any suggestions about how to be empathetic yet defensive of myself? I take it there is little to no effective way to get through to a BPD person at all?

[hopealways]

This is all very typical BPD behavior. She will never change.  You are obsessed over the highs you had from this chaotically thrilling relationship.  But it will destroy you if you go back.

[lovenature]

If she wants you to go away, as hurtful as it is, you would be best to do just that and give yourself time to heal; she will likely contact you at some point, and any further contact you have with her will just hurt you more and delay your healing. Keep reading and learning; our stories are so similar and nothing can change what happens in reality.

[scootzinc]

thank you for trying so hard and caring about my well being first... .i have so much difficulty with that... i appreciate it more than you may know

[Lostinkitimat]

While reading these comments strike so similarly to what I'm going through the only difference is I have two young children with my BPD ex which makes it increasingly difficult to cut ties with her because I have to have communication in with her on a day to day basis to coordinate picking up the children and such she adamant that she wants to remain friends but that's we recently separated 3 months ago I really feel like I just need some space but space is hard to put between these people and I still have my own issues around loving her and feeling guilty about leaving her it's hard but just some distance away give brings you some clarity and you need that clarity could even begin any kind of healing so just taking the step to leave is a huge step in itself

[Herodias]

I suppose most of us are codependent and that makes these r/s's extra hard to leave. I have read that at the core, we both have fear of abandonment issues and we as codependents crave to care for someone else. We must try and care for ourselves and get comfortable with that... .take care of you and the rest will come. Be selfish for once and you will get stronger. I am trying too. Best wishes!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey scootz, I'm sorry to learn that you are suffering.  Your story is quite familiar and follows the normal trajectory of a BPD r/s.  In some ways, you're lucky that your r/s was as brief as it was, though I know it doesn't feel like it right now.  Some of us (read: me) endured years of marriage or other long term r/s to a pwBPD.  As many here have noted, a BPD r/s is like an addiction and you are going through the normal withdrawal symptoms.  I suggest that, rather than focus on your Ex and drive yourself crazy, you focus on yourself and what you can do within your power to feel better and more like yourself again.  Generally, a pwBPD requires a tremendous amount of our attention.  Now is the time to return the attention to yourself and your own needs, which are frequently neglected in the throes of a BPD r/s.  In other words, it's time to recharge your batteries and replenish your inner resources before you do anything else.

LuckyJim

[scootzinc]

I just wanted to thank everyone again for all of their support/advice. This story gets much longer, much more detailed, and much more alarming if I lay it all out in detail. I won't do that because I could write a novel. Between pushing away my friends and family, isolating me, using sarcasm to hurt me, claiming I didn't sacrifice anything for her, claiming I didn't love her, claiming that if I spent an hour with my best friend instead of her that she felt as if she wasn't a priority, claiming I was cheating on her (which I never did), having huge double standards like getting upset if I spent time with friends without her and yet she went out and smoked weed with a bunch of guys I've never really met and told me about it the next day and then was upset and hurt when I was a little upset about it, and so on... .She put a ton of pressure on me to move our relationship forward as quickly as possible. Only 2.5 months after we met she asked me to have a kid with her (meaning right then, not eventually down the line), after three months she was looking for a proposal from me, after 5 months she wanted to merge our bank accounts and we weren't even engaged yet. I moved in with her and her 3 kids after only knowing her and dating for 4.5 months. And then she put a ton of pressure on me to "commit" because she didn't feel like moving in with her, passing up a 6 figure job ($60,000 raise) in a different state to stay with her, establishing relationships with her 3 kids (10, 12, and 14), going to all the kids concerts practices and games, putting family first, helping with everything around the house, splitting all of the bills, co-signing a lease on a car for her (meant to be for us as a family), pricing out buying a house, embracing her friends and family, spending 6 hours in the ER twice (once with her and once with her daughter), etc... .she didn't feel like that was commitment. She says she never felt loved by me. I eventually had trouble communicating with her at all. Then she cheated on me for 2 months before the breakup (which I didn't find out until 2 months after we broke up) with the 26 year old guy who sits next to her at her work, who I had met a handful of times before. While we were together still she started watching Blackhawks games (he's a huge Blackhawks fan and she'd never watched hockey before that, I had to explain the rules and the game to her since I'm a Red Wings fan) and left a bunch of other clues that made it obvious that she was cultivating a relationship with him before we had even broken up. And, when I left the house, we were supposed to go on a "break" which became a break-up by her choice within a day after I was out of the house... .so so selfish... .so hurtful. I could go into further detail... .Now, I moved 30 mins away from her and she still shows up at the bars around where I live now with the 26 year old guy in tow. She does things like stare at me from across the bar. The first time I saw her with him, she smiled and winked at me... .seriously this is messed up... .and I'm still having so much trouble detaching. I realize that I'm mostly doing this to myself now. But, I haven't been able to stop wanting her yet. But, she stopped returning my texts and emails... .I know I need to stop trying to contact her and move on... .Can anyone tell me what the first step is to moving forward with my life? And, can anyone tell me what the best thought to hold onto when I get really low and want to contact her and need to keep myself from doing that? I need a good tactic to help me fight this... .NOTE: the relationship only lasted 10 months but it felt like a 5 year long relationship with a marriage and a divorce... .