Sadder than usual

[Herodias]

Hi All, for some reason I feel sadder than usual. It has been 2 months since I have seen my BPDhusband and a month since we had an argument via e-mail. This month he text me at 2:27am that my alimony was in the bank for me and that he hoped I was doing well. For the first time, I did not respond. I guess because I am seeing holiday stuff out in the stores, it has become a trigger to me since I found my husband in our marital bed with someone else on XMAS this last Dec. : (  I am convinced he may be seeing her again... .I feel it in my gut and I now trust my gut! The love-bombing stopped with the current gf... .she is now confused, doesn't know who to trust and can't make any decisions! Sure didn't take him long to screw her up! I Figure he's on to recycle  the xmas one again, if not someone new. It's just so upsetting to have been conned in this way... .It's heartbreaking that my version of the relationship was fake. I keep crying allot lately realizing the next couple months will go fast and I will be a divorced woman. I know I should be happy, but I am just not. Why couldn't he have been normal! Maybe I am angry at the universe for screwing me over yet again... .I am mad at myself for ignoring red flags and lacking self esteem when all of this began 9 years ago. Remind me how he is not happy and will never be as long as he continues this behavior... .I can't help but feel anxious to see the gf crying over him, since she cheated on her husband with mine and also the other woman, who knew darn well he was married and I now believe he was meeting in hotels before the Xmas incident. I was stupid to think he was going to hotels just to get away from me so he could drink, like he told me. He drank plenty in the house. I guess I just wish he missed me and felt he made a mistake. It's painful to be so sad and the other person doesn't even care : ( It's painful to know your spouse cheated so much... .right under your nose. Sickening actually. I don't trust people I don't know anymore. The only ones I trust are the ones I feel I know pretty well.

[Tangy]

. It's heartbreaking that my version of the relationship was fake. I keep crying allot lately realizing the next couple months will go fast and I will be a divorced woman. I know I should be happy, but I am just not. Why couldn't he have been normal! Maybe I am angry at the universe for screwing me over yet again... .I am mad at myself for ignoring red flags and lacking self esteem when all of this began 9 years ago. Remind me how he is not happy and will never be as long as he continues this behavior.

Hi Blue, I could feel the pain in your post. I'm so very sorry you are feeling this way.

I quoted the above because I could have written every single word. I am so so so confused as to what has just (2 months ago and well really most of 2015) transpired. I can related totally to feeling like your version of the relationship was fake. And I can also relate to feeling angry with the universe. I can accept that my situation was needed for healing... .but I feel so much stronger now... .so I'm always yelling and screaming mentally like... .ok I learned why won't he come back now? It just feels so freaking unfair that I was stand up and he got to leave me and screw me over... .I'm sure you can relate. I hope others can give you better advice because right now I am kinda in the muck and mire with you.

The one thing I do know though is that someone that would cheat and deceive is not someone that either one of us would want to be with. We are better than this. We do know better than this. I know we can come out of this... .but we have to have to have to look inside and continue pushing through with enhanced self esteem and self reverence and self respect and self love. It hurts like a bee but I know we can get through this!

[Darsha500]

The one thing I do know though is that someone that would cheat and deceive is not someone that either one of us would want to be with. We are better than this. We do know better than this. I know we can come out of this... .but we have to have to have to look inside and continue pushing through with enhanced self esteem and self reverence and self respect and self love. It hurts like a bee but I know we can get through this!

Amen to this.

It is so sad. If only things had turned out differently right? There this Nine inch nails song I have been signing to myself, it goes: "it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, it didn't turn out quite the way you wanted it, did it! NOW! You know, this is what it feels like."

The universe is a cold, dark place, entirely indifferent to our pain and suffering. We don't get to know if our ex partners feel remorse, if they really loved us the way we wish they had, if they miss us, if they still think about us. We don't get to know. We are left alone, to pick up the pieces.

But... .We come into this world and we die alone. Existential isolation, the unbridgeable gap between ourselves and others. I think I have come to appreciate this concept much more sense my relationship. Who other than myself can save me? Who else but me can I count on, beyond the shadow of a doubt, for unconditional love and acceptance? I will see to it that I live a fulfilling life, despite the pain I have encountered.

Strength, blue and tangy, we have it. We must keep walking forward. We have no other choice. There is nothing back there for us. This separation is ultimately in our best interests. May we have faith that our own resolve will carry us onto better things, and that we will handle all the obstacles that oppose us.

Yes, we have seen sin. SIN that makes us gasp in horror. Yes we have been violated, and desecrated. But still. Love. Love and healing. Love and grace. Love, grace, healing, and forgiveness.

This pain. Recall the spiritual icons. Jesus, the Buddha, etc. these men saw pain. Pain is an illusion? Pain is present.

Lately I have been reminding myself that I am not my pain. That is, it is not my identity. Yes there is a story, a story in which I placed a major role. The story was a love story, but it was also a tragedy. It ended in pain. But there is a moral to the story, a profound and life changing one. I'll hold that moral with me till the day I die. And also, I'll remind myself that I am more than just the lead in the story. I am the awareness that cradles him. I can see his pain, his plight, and I can be compassionate towards him. Love him and reassure him. You are worthy my son, you are holly and you are perfect as you are. Forgive those who trespass against you. Be love.  

[hopealways]

It seems like the 2-3 month period of NC is critical and the largest hump. If you can stay NC 2-3 months, the rest is much easier.

[Beach_Babe]

Oh Blue, I am sorry you feel sad today. That was quite a betrayal you experienced, anyone would feel hurt and angry. Take care of YOU, and if that means not responding right now so be it.

I guess I just wish he missed me and felt he made a mistake. It's painful to be so sad and the other person doesn't even care

This is how I feel too. But like other people have  reminded me, the fact they "don't care" is a sign of mental illness. He is BPD, Blue he will NEVER be happy. No one will ever be "good enough" nor will any relationship work out. Nothing will change, he will keep repeating the same dysfunctional pattern. You deserve better, no?

[Tangy]

The one thing I do know though is that someone that would cheat and deceive is not someone that either one of us would want to be with. We are better than this. We do know better than this. I know we can come out of this... .but we have to have to have to look inside and continue pushing through with enhanced self esteem and self reverence and self respect and self love. It hurts like a bee but I know we can get through this!

Amen to this.

It is so sad. If only things had turned out differently right? There this Nine inch nails song I have been signing to myself, it goes: "it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, it didn't turn out quite the way you wanted it, did it! NOW! You know, this is what it feels like."

The Wretched... .The Wretched... .