2 weeks NC and hurting ... been gone for 3 months and still struggling

[Rameses]

I left the house 3 months ago for the third time, been married less than 18 months, relationship for 4 years.

I feel like she trained me to always be in contact with her. If several hours went by and I didn't make contact with her, I could count on her to reach out. I am not exaggerating it was 99% consistent contact for 4 years.

After every breakup I could always count on her not going more than 4 days without some sort of contact, sometimes direct other times indirect.

But it didn't matter to me, every time I received that contact it was like a hit of heroin, it boosted my spirits for a few days and then the craving would come roaring back.

And even though I never hit the ball back over the net to her by responding, it didn't matter, because I got what I needed, and that was to know that she was still thinking of me.

But why in the heck would I even care if she was thinking of me after all she has done to me and put me through!

Here`s another thought, I really don`t miss HER per say, but it kills me to think she is out there being pursued by other men and loving it and I`m curled up in the corner(not literally) waiting for contact from her... .GOOD OR BAD... .sheeesh.

So now its been almost 3 weeks with NC by her and I`m hurting pretty bad. I was treating it like going through withdrawals, so I thought the worse of it would be over by now, not so much. I can`t get her out of my mind (with all due respect, please do not send suggestions on how not to think about her, I`ve tried them all, obviously to no avail

It`s amazing how I anticipate that reach out from her.

I know that I know that I know I will never go back, been there done that way too many times.

But man NC it is a really tough

[Rameses]

Sorry, a couple of corrections... .it`s been 2 weeks NC and 3 months since I left.

And the last line should read, "But man, NC is really tough"

[hopealways]

I feel  you! It has been 9 weeks NC for me and it is still hard! WOW! BPD sucks.  For me though every 4 weeks that passes my old self comes back in a large amount and then it levels off then another 4 weeks comes and another boost. Everyone says that time heals so that's what I am banking on! I just wish I didn't have to suffer so darn much.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I left the house 3 months ago for the third time, been married less than 18 months, relationship for 4 years.

I feel like she trained me to always be in contact with her. If several hours went by and I didn't make contact with her, I could count on her to reach out. I am not exaggerating it was 99% consistent contact for 4 years.

After every breakup I could always count on her not going more than 4 days without some sort of contact, sometimes direct other times indirect.

But it didn't matter to me, every time I received that contact it was like a hit of heroin, it boosted my spirits for a few days and then the craving would come roaring back.

And even though I never hit the ball back over the net to her by responding, it didn't matter, because I got what I needed, and that was to know that she was still thinking of me.

But why in the heck would I even care if she was thinking of me after all she has done to me and put me through!

Here`s another thought, I really don`t miss HER per say, but it kills me to think she is out there being pursued by other men and loving it and I`m curled up in the corner(not literally) waiting for contact from her... .GOOD OR BAD... .sheeesh.

So now its been almost 3 weeks with NC by her and I`m hurting pretty bad. I was treating it like going through withdrawals, so I thought the worse of it would be over by now, not so much. I can`t get her out of my mind (with all due respect, please do not send suggestions on how not to think about her, I`ve tried them all, obviously to no avail

It`s amazing how I anticipate that reach out from her.

I know that I know that I know I will never go back, been there done that way too many times.

But man NC it is a really tough

Dear friend

Crazy isn't it?  Our exes cause mass destruction and here we are yearning for them.  You aren't alone.  Your ego is bruised.  Your heart is broken.  You were rejected by someone you wanted to love.  Of course you want to know she is thinking of you.  It provides some sort of twisted soothing that you are longing for.  I think it gets worse before it gets better.  That is the harsh reality of it.  You simply have to heal.  Everyones rate of healing is different.  Thinking of them with someone else while inevitable is torture.  I think the fact that most usually move on so quickly has some sort of redeeming quality.  It shows the disorder in the light that it needs to prevail.  It isn't healthy.  As per your request I won't offer you any tips on getting her off your mind.  Nothing worked for me either except facing the storm head on.  Some days are better than others.  Hang in there.

[enlighten me]

Hi rameses

Im sorry your finding things so hard.

You mentioned it was like an addiction but after this time you think you would be getting better. The problem is its not a physical addiction like drugs or alcohol its a mental one and we can unknowingly give our self hits just by remembering the good times. It can stir up the feelings that we craved.

There is no quick fix for this. The only thing you can do is push down the good by remembering the bad. By making a list of all the bad even the little things you can push down the good feelings. It is similar to going cold turkey except on a mental level.

EM

[Rameses]

Thank you for all who have posted... .great wisdom and encouragement, very helpful.

But man, I woke up this morning with that heavy doom and gloom terrified feeling.

I hate this feeling so much, it's so debilitating. I start scrambling  in my mind as to what I can do to alleviate this terrible feeling.

And yet I know I should be learning to tolerate and except the pain, and I can usually do that when the pain level is like a 4 or 5 but when it gets to a number 10 like this morning I start to panic that  I won't be able to pull out of it even though history has told me that I will.

And historically Saturday's have been tough days for me anyway.

I mean I've been gone for 3 months and it feels like I've made no progress in my healing.

[enlighten me]

It does feel like that for a while but unbeknown to us we are healing. Just very very slowly. One ay you wake up and your ex isn't the first thing you think of. Before you know it you don't think of her until you have your morning coffee. It then gets to the stage you don't think of her unless reminded of her and the things that used to remind you of her get less and less as new memories replace the old.

[Rameses]

You mentioned it was like an addiction but after this time you think you would be getting better. The problem is its not a physical addiction like drugs or alcohol its a mental one and we can unknowingly give our self hits just by remembering the good times. It can stir up the feelings that we crave.

EM

Enlighten me, Excellent point, as always... .so it's even tougher for us... .because we don't have to get the money then go find a dealer to buy the drugs. Our supply is just a thought away... .ouch.

[enlighten me]

How do you run away from your own thoughts? This is the hard bit.

There are many tools here but the simple answer is you change the feelings associated, you bury your feelings, you accept them.

Burying them is a good short term fix but doesn't solve the underlying problem. NC is like this. You avoid it so you don't have to deal with it. The problems still there and further down the line it should be dealt with.

You can change feelings associated to things. You can tarnish them so instead of being good they become bad. For example: that weekend we went away was amazing. Can become I cant believe I spent all that money on her so she could have a great weekend. I feel used. Again this isn't a permanent fix. All you've done is paint them black so further on you should rebalance it.

Acceptance is the hardest as you are dealing with the pain without any anaesthetic. Yes we had an amazing weekend but that's over now and even though I miss her theres no going back.

There are other things you can do and each situation is different. You could use a mixture of them.

It might be worth having a look at the lessons again.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

EM

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Thank you for all who have posted... .great wisdom and encouragement, very helpful.

But man, I woke up this morning with that heavy doom and gloom terrified feeling.

I hate this feeling so much, it's so debilitating. I start scrambling  in my mind as to what I can do to alleviate this terrible feeling.

And yet I know I should be learning to tolerate and except the pain, and I can usually do that when the pain level is like a 4 or 5 but when it gets to a number 10 like this morning I start to panic that  I won't be able to pull out of it even though history has told me that I will.

And historically Saturday's have been tough days for me anyway.

I mean I've been gone for 3 months and it feels like I've made no progress in my healing.

There are days I feel like you and I am a year out.  When my ex left she took a piece of me with her.  My journey is to not only heal but recreate the part of me that was lost.  A stronger self  is what I shall create.  When I felt like the pain was a 10 I literally laid in bed and felt like the darkness was consuming me.  It felt like there was an anvil on my chest and I couldn't move.  I cried.  I felt it.  I let the pain ransack my entire being until it passed.  Remember this, no one has died from a broken heart.  When the thoughts won't ease up just try saying stop everytime they infiltrate your brain.  I feel your pain my friend.  You are not alone.