I don't even know where to start. I have been on the "staying" board for about a month. But the more I learn and recent circumstances have pushed me towards getting out of this relationship. My uxBPDbf broke up with me for maybe the 5th time within the past year that we've been together. It was the day before our one year anniversary and the week he was fired. He was also having some family and financial trouble. He's been in and out of my life for the past week and a half. First just texting the first few days after the breakup (all initiated by him). Then no contact for several days because I didn't reach out to him at all. He called this past Saturday for the first time and we talked for hours. He said he just needed time to get over his ex, whom he was still with when we first met. I told him I understood, as I never should have continued dating him after finding out that he was still with her. Some texting on and off yesterday about sports and such. Then today he starts up with our regular routine: call before work, during my lunch and after work. I was very confused by this, especially when he suggested that we be just friends. I thought about it and told him that I didn't think that was fair of him to ask that of me soon and that I wasn't ready to just be friends. And that kicked off the war! He pressed all my buttons with his mean words and when I snapped he questioned my love, turned sweet on me and lulled me back into his trap. I fell for it. But now he says I have to be punished. I have allowed this once before as a kind of s & m trial. But he has never put his hands on me since then. He is using emotional blackmail to get me to agree to let him hit me as my punishment. Before this he got very emotional with me and explained how he's been feeling empty, likes chaotic relationship, pushes me away because he knows he's not good for me, feels like his job "left him" because they fired him, needs sex as an emotional release, needs to feel loved and cared for this weekend and on and on.
He knows his issues. Regularly acknowledges BPD symptoms but has not gone to therapy as he says he wants to. Tonight I asked when he would start working on him and getting better. He says probably never, probably tonight, probably tomorrow." I am afraid of what he will do to me when I see him. I've been dog-sitting for him, so I will eventually have to return the dog. I am now seeing that I can't help him. I'm enabling him. And I'm ready to leave... .I think. I don't want to. I love him. He's perfect for me when he's not dysregulsted, which is about 30% of our time. I can put up with the complaining, comparing, insults, lying, the cheating has calmed down dramatically. But I will not be beaten. And I've told him this. But he insists on doing it to prove my love. I told him that's not love. He has learned that love hurts and that's going to take years of undoing! I don't know how to start this process of leaving. How do I let go? Please help!
Yikes, I am so sorry to hear you're going through this! Let me just tell you... .I read EVERYTHING you wrote and you need to stay FAR AWAY from this man. As you can obviously see, you're not in a healthy relationship, and I promise you can do better than being with someone who's perfect for you "30%" of the time. Is that worth everything else you just described?
These relationships are very intense, and there is such a feeling of soulmate connection at times that it's difficult to detach, but you need to! It would be one thing if he were showing some effort to work on himself, but it sounds like he really has no intention of doing that, and if anything he simply wants to drag you further down into his own dysfunction (for the record, I think two consenting adults participating in S&M is completely fine, but this situation you're describing ISN'T cool... .this notion that you need to be PHYSICALLY punished to prove your love? Ugh.)
I'll give you some perspective and validation: your initial instinct is RIGHT. It is too soon for you two be participating in a healthy friendship. Clearly, because as soon as you try to express that boundary it sounds like he resorted to some truly scumbaggish tactics... .emotional blackmail, questioning your love (one of my favorites). That's inexcusable and you need to cut it out of your life.
Now in terms of practically how do you do it? Well, if a close friend of mine told me exactly what you did, I would tell them to to cut of ALL contact. Do you have any friends you can rely on for support? I don't even think you should meet him to return his dog. Get a friend to do it if at all possible. And as soon as possible communicate to him that you need legitimate space in order to heal and thus you won't contact him for a while. You don't have to make this message mean, but make it clear. Stick to this boundary because this person may try to continually contact you anyway. If necessary block his number, etc.
This doesn't just sound like a toxic relationship, it sounds borderline dangerous as well.
Now, that's just the first step because you will need this distance to heal. Then you actually have to get to healing. You need support. Coming to this board is a great option, but I think you should also reach out to friends or family as well. I know this is going to be painful, but I promise you deserve better than this. If I had a friend tell me what you did, I would want to support and protect them and I'm sure your friends would do the same.
