I think my ex had BPD and I think I made it worse

[Kelvin]

Hello community I'll try to be concise.

About 6 months ago my gf of 4 years left me for another guy. It had been a rocky relationship to say the least and I had suspected that emotionally she was a bit unstable. The signs that led me to believe so was that about a year into the relationship she started "exotic dancing" to support us (we were both in university) and although I objected to that, it did help us financially and I trusted it was just a job (stupid I know).

Throughout the relationship she at times treated me like a God, buying me gifts all of the time as well as pretty much Doug anything I asked of her, at other times she would get mad at me over really simple things like if I said something as a joke she would be mad at me for hours. A huge red flag I should've taken heed of is that when I found out about her dancing she had actually hidden it from me for months and cheated on me with a guy she met there. I took her back because she cried about how sorry she was and how it was a mistake.

That takes me to the final sign which was the lying. She lied to me all of the time to be point where I honestly couldn't trust her if she told me she was going to the market. Finally at the end she left me for another guy she fell in "love" with after knowing him for 10 days. She slept with him on the second date, a date she said was actually a visit to her family while she had me look after our cats at our home.

Sometimes I wish if I showed her more affection I could've curbed this a little bit but I have no clue. I genuinely feel a bit guilty because I admit at times I was a bit cold towards her due to the fact sometimes I didn't take her seriously (due to all of the lying). I guess my questions are 1.) what are your experiences with BPD ex's and how could I have made it better? I'm simply looking for different outlooks on this situation. Thanks

[zundertowz]

I was the same way with my ex, after I caught on to her lies and the constant fighting I became cold and distant.  I guess the healthy thing would have been to leave when I felt like this rather than staying in the relationship for another two years.  My guess is if you were a complete doormat or fought for her the relationship would have lasted longer.  In the end it was just a matter of when not if.  I think if I took her seriously I would be in a much worse place than I am.

[cloudten]

In my experience, once resentment set in, there was nothing I could do.

It is absolutely a matter of "when" not "if".  There is very little a NON can do to change the BPD and their issues. They can only fix themselves... .and they can only do that if they want to. Generally they don't want to... .and even if they want to... .they aren't willing to go to therapy 3 times a week, which is what it takes.

Being a complete doormat can make the relationship last longer... .but at the cost of losing yourself and being abused.

You dodged a bullet. It may not feel like you did.

Most of the time we are left with questions about what we could have done differently or better... .but those questions are a waste of your time and energy. The fact is, there is little to nothing you could have done to make it better.  The harder I tried to make mine better, the harder I failed, the harder he hit, and the closer I came to dying.