Sudden flip from discussing marriage to shutting me out

[ckp]

Hi everyone.  I've been reading about BPD lately and unfortunately alot of what I've read seems to fit my boyfriend.  I love him very much.  We've been together for a year. 

Over the course of our time together, he has displayed some increasing extremes of Jekyll-Hyde flip flops, one moment professing his undying love for me, and the next, disappearing and cutting off communication with zero assurances of his return.  It's been incredibly confusing and stressful.  The disappearing acts sometimes last for weeks, with zero warmth from him, and repeated statements telling me he's overwhelmed, or 'destroyed'.  Usually he becomes triggered when he is reminded that I didn't commit to life partnership to him the moment we started dating, and so I haven't been entirely comfortable calling him my partner yet.  He came on really strong in the beginning and did alot of things to move things forward as fast as possible.

In this current episode, he complained that he doesn't like processing and doesn't believe in having to work on a relationship, then proceeded to send several very long emails about how he's feeling, announcing suddenly that he wants to break up.  I did my best to respond lovingly and patiently, which he briefly acknowledged, but he remains completely cold.  I feel like I could present myself as the lamb of God and he'd still find a reason to shoot me down. I'm in shock.  What happened to his commitment to me?  He was just leaving me emotional messages telling me how deeply committed he is just a couple weeks ago.  Somehow I suddenly went from being his dreamgirl to being some horrible force he's trying to protect himself from. He seems completely incapable of having a constructive conversation.

I'm really struggling to make sense of how this behavior is coming from the same person who has been so loving and giving and attentive and assuring, who has repeatedly declared me his life partner and showered me with gifts and promises.  It all seems dependent on his mood.  If something upsets him, he just goes over the edge and is gone, and suddenly finds reasons to justify his behavior... .but the reasons are things he was previously accepting and being loving about... . 

I am deeply heartbroken.  I feel oddly manipulated and violated and a bit traumatized.  The strangest part of this is that he is currently pursuing a phD in psychology.  Not counseling or anything related to pathology, but still!

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[formflier]

 



I'm glad you are here.  I remember having that manipulated feeling as well.

We can help you sort through these feelings.

Look to the right of the screen... .look for "the lessons".  That is a great place to start reading.

You have found a safe place!

FF

[Lotus1976]

If it helps at all, you're not alone. I'm going through the same thing. Two weeks ago we were going house shopping , planning a trip to Hawaii and getting married. Now we aren't speaking. It's only been a week for me of no contact but I'm using the time to get clear... .Acknowledge patterns, and make decisions. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this. Thank you for sharing your story. My uBPD bf called me unspeakable things and flew into a rage and then acted like it never happened. I ended things but it still hurts. Stay strong.

[sweet tooth]

You are not alone. My gf disappeared almost 4 weeks ago. No warning. Nothing. Poof! Gone. I stopped chasing a week ago. I don't know how to help you, but you are NOT alone.

[sweet tooth]

And we were talking about having sex for the first time (she brought it up, not me). You and I are in a similar situation. After reading stories on here, I'm starting to think that when they feel any kind of fear their natural response is to shut down rather than face their emotions (Flight rather than fight).

[ckp]

Thank you for sharing with me that I'm not the only one experiencing this!  I've been so stressed out emotionally this past week.  I can't believe I managed to work. 

I just can't believe I'm in this situation.  I feel so deeply bonded with him.  All his emotional intensity really got to my heart.  Now I'm just completely confused.  I'm dying to hear something kind and warm from him, I'm dying to see him and feel reassurance that our connection still exists.  And at the same time, I'm scared of the relationship I got myself into and what a lifetime of this would look like, if he ever does resurface. 

This last episode was particularly awful because he left town literally during my cousin's memorial, rather than attending with me, and I learned he had left via a text message that I got after leaving the ceremony.  There is no love in that behavior.  Was I ever loved by this man?  It's a heartbreak and a mind bender at the same time.