Sexual self-harm(TRIGGER WARNING)

[BlueBagel]

So I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months, she does not live at home, before we started dating I was told(by a mutual friend) that her father had raped her in the past and that she has an ex-boyfriend who has raped her repeatedly. Since we have been dating she has disclosed that her father still rapes her(seemingly whenever he has the opportunity), she has revealed to me that at times she will visit her family home as a form of punishment because the chance of her father abusing her when she is there is very high, other times she seems to be in denial about the danger she is in. Last week she was having a lot of trouble with her schizophrenia and on the voices suggestion contacted the ex I mentioned earlier, they met up and he raped her for the first time since we have been in a relationship, this upset me a lot and she has promised to never contact him again because she saw how much this hurt me. This weekend she is staying at her parents, I tried to tell her she needs to be careful and that it isn't a good idea but as usual it just made her defensive(I think because she doesn't like to be controlled and also because she doesn't like to feel shame). The thing I don't understand is that it seems like in her mind she's decided its not ok if she self-harms with her ex-boyfriend but it is ok to do it with her father? It might be relevant to mention her father has sexually abused her from a young age so its something she's 'used to'(her words not mine). I was also wondering if anyone else has a pwBPD in their life who self-harms in this way?

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[Rockylove]

Wow!  I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this!  I don't know you situation or hers, but could it be possible that she is not actually being raped but rather reliving the rape when she sees her ex or father?  I'm not a psychiatrist, but something in this story just sounds off.

I do hope you are taking care of yourself in all of this.   

[BlueBagel]

Thank you

Honestly I couldn't say with 100% certainty that it happens but what I can say is if it isn't happening she definitely believes it is, plus she seems to have new bruises after most times she's been around her father and after what happened with her ex she had a cut/bruise sort of thing on her lip? She says she bruises easily but I've noticed that when there has been long periods of time where she hasn't gone to her parents she barely seems to bruise at all and she faints a lot(due to low blood pressure from not eating) but never seems to bruise from that? I would think if she really did bruise easily she would end up with bruises where she hit the ground?

I can definitely understand why this would sound off to you, I too have had doubts on and off although I think my doubts are mostly fuelled by me not wanting it to be true that this could happen to anyone let alone someone I love and care deeply for.

I'm trying haha 

[BlueBagel]

I also forgot to mention that a few weeks ago she had a pregnancy scare(being a girl I obviously cannot get her pregnant) and was showing quite a few symptoms that would suggest she was infact pregnant, she thinks she had a miscarriage though and when she was tested at the hospital last week it came out negative

[Kwamina]

Hi BlueBagel

I want to welcome you to bpdfamily. The circumstances that have brought you here are very unpleasant though. Your girlfriend has been through some horrible traumatic experiences.

So I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months, she does not live at home, before we started dating I was told(by a mutual friend) that her father had raped her in the past and that she has an ex-boyfriend who has raped her repeatedly. Since we have been dating she has disclosed that her father still rapes her(seemingly whenever he has the opportunity), she has revealed to me that at times she will visit her family home as a form of punishment because the chance of her father abusing her when she is there is very high, other times she seems to be in denial about the danger she is in.

This truly is horrible that her father does this to her. Do you know why she feels she must be punished? Does she also do other things to 'punish' herself.

Last week she was having a lot of trouble with her schizophrenia and on the voices suggestion contacted the ex I mentioned earlier, they met up and he raped her for the first time since we have been in a relationship, this upset me a lot and she has promised to never contact him again because she saw how much this hurt me.

It's truly awful what she's been through. I also find it very concerning that she seems to keep putting herself in harms way.

You mention schizophrenia, has she been officially diagnosed with this disorder? And if she has, is she getting any kind of targeted treatment or therapy for her schizophrenia?

Do you feel like she fully realizes how serious rape is and how it is a total violation of boundaries? Do you generally feel like she understands the concept of boundaries?

The thing I don't understand is that it seems like in her mind she's decided its not ok if she self-harms with her ex-boyfriend but it is ok to do it with her father? It might be relevant to mention her father has sexually abused her from a young age so its something she's 'used to'(her words not mine). I was also wondering if anyone else has a pwBPD in their life who self-harms in this way?

I would say putting yourself in a situation where there's a high likelihood of you getting raped, can be considered an extreme form of self-harm.

She has told you that she's basically used to being sexually abused since her father has been doing this to her from a young age. This sadly seems to have become the 'norm' for her. When she talks about her father and the sexual abuse, how does she classify it? Does she see his behavior as wrong? How would you describe the relationship she has with her father?

[BlueBagel]

Hi Kwamina 

It seems to stem from her feeling guilty about various things like upsetting people or eating or wanting to eat when Ana has told her not to(she is anorexic). I feel like sometimes she might feel the urge to punish herself when she is feeling to stable because its a very uncomfortable feeling for her, although that is just a guess.

She has been diagnosed but I don't think she mentions how debilitating it can be for her as often as she does her other issues. She is doing DBT once a week and sees a therapist once a week as well although I don't know how often she talks about her schizophrenia there. She is prescribed medication as PRN(take as needed) but refuses to take it even when very distressed because she says she is worried about weight gain.

Honestly I'm not sure, she seems to have almost no ability to vocalise anger towards her father or ex when it comes to this(if she is angry at her father it will be because of something far less severe and gets no where near as angry at him as she does most people). I don't think she fully understands boundaries in terms of noticing and respecting other peoples boundaries but if she feels I have violated her boundaries in some way she will get very angry very quickly.

She does classify it as rape and has a lot of trouble talking about it if she didn't bring up the subject(if she brings it up she will be very calm and matter of fact, if I bring it up she will get very angry at me). I think on one hand she knows its wrong and on the other hand she thinks she deserves it. I have asked her and they never discuss what he does to her as if he needs to compartmentalise it so he can keep his good self-image in tact. I can't really say much about how they interact as I haven't seen them together very often but she is definitely way less confrontational with him than anyone else in her life.

[MaybeSo]

This is truly heartbreaking.

Trauma victims sometimes are driven to re-enact their trauma over and over again. Sometimes it's literal, sometimes it's more symbolic.   It's pretty common, though this example is one of the worst that I've heard.

By definition there is a lack of boundaries and very serious mental illness at play here.

It looks like she is under medical care which is good.

I can't even imagine what this must be like for you. I am so sorry.   :'(

[BlueBagel]

Hi MaybeSo,

Thank you 

This really does break my heart too, hopefully I can figure out a way to help her at some point but I think it's going to take a long time.

[SweetCharlotte]

Blue,

What is happening to her is not self-harm. She is the victim of repeated crimes, unless it is a delusion or a lie. Please encourage her to press charges. That would be a good way for her to find closure.

Especially with her Dad, this is not only rape/incest but sexual abuse of a minor. The statute of limitations is probably not run out and this horrible parent can wind up with a serious sex offender status. This may protect future potential victims.