I have been replaced

[itgirl]

Hi,

we have been broken up for a few months but kept in contact.  I am still paying the rent, Wi-Fi, domestic help and insurance.  We have spent a lot of time together and I guess living in a fantasy bubble. 

I went out to watch a band on Friday night with my old friend which my ex despise.

She went crazy but I still kept my boundary and went out as my T advised.

Unfortunately today my ex phoned me and told me she has met someone and that person is amazing and is showing her what a relationship should look like.  It hurts.  She sounds happy.  I am very sad but I guess I was living in denial long enough.

She is still living in the house I am paying.  And the replacement probably sleeping over.

I phoned my family for support and they trying to console me but I can hear in their voices they are over the moon.  Sister said i couldn't pull the trigger on the relationship so maybe this way I can move on.

She has broken up with me many times with the push pull.  But I have never been replaced.  It sucks.

[Mutt]

Hi itgirl,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how that would be invalidating when you are phoning family members for support and they are happy that your ex has found someone else. I can see how that you would hurt. I can relate with being invalidated by family members when I called for support with going through a break-up. Your ex may suffer from a personality disorder but she means something to you and you have a history together.

I would feel anger with the replacement living in the house that you are paying and sleeping over. 

Unfortunately today my ex phoned me and told me she has met someone and that person is amazing and is showing her what a relationship should look like.  It hurts.  She sounds happy.  I am very sad but I guess I was living in denial long enough.

I know how much that hurts.

[itgirl]

Thank you Mutt

I realize that my family just knows what is best for me.  Although I cant see it now.  It hurts like hell to be replaced and I guess for 4 years with all the push and pull I hoped she would come back.

Now the real hurting and healing begins.  Thank to the board as you guys know how these relationships shake us up so much.  I also read a couple of posts here that are even worse than mine which puts perspective on it.

good luck to us all.

[Mutt]

itgirl,

I find it incredibly difficult when family members invalidate the way that I feel. I understand that they may not what to say or that they may not be self  aware if their behaviors and how invalidating feelings and perspective can hurt others. We have a right to feel the way that we do and we're not living our lives at the expectation of others.

I found that what helped me, is that I found friends that were understanding and don't invalidate and have a mutual respect with boundaries and perspectives. I agree it helps to share with members that have walked a mile in your shoes, keep posting  

[Polis_Ohio]

My wife left me and went to another guy that we knew two weeks later. Few weeks after that it was over.

She wanted to meet up with me after that but treated me very poorly. She started to go out with random people from dating sites and what not. She continued to sleep with the first guy a few times who treated her very poorly and made her feel terrible. She stopped that eventually.

Few weeks after that she thinks she found someone she is falling for, again. That didn't last; she called me the day she was dumped, actually, I didn't get to answer it was 12:30 a.m. but still strange. Now she is wanting to meet up with me again.

All the while she is talking to me, depressed, hopeless, etc... .She's doing much better now, I think, and we may actually grab a drink this week.

I am very cautious as she is very talkative some days and not other days. She invited me out four times last week, but I was busy, then when I asked about the weekend or today (Monday) she said "nope busy. Maybe Monday but probably not, I'll let you know."

I'm not sure if she is just mad or what but it is very painful being replaced. I love her to bits still but it's clear she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

[mrwigand]

Oy, I understand exactly how you feel. It hurts when you find out they're seeing someone else and your mind is flooded with all sorts of confusing and anxiety-inducing thoughts... .Are they really happy... .Do they miss/think about me... .If they are happy, what did WE do wrong, etc.?

I get it. It totally sucks.

That being said, I will tell you a few things: It's totally messed up that she would call you to tell you how unbelievably happy she is in her new relationship. It sounds like she doth protest too much if you know what I mean. Obviously, she did something like that to hurt you and most likely to provoke a reaction of some kind in you, which for one isn't right and also it's not what truly happy people do. If she were truly happy would she be going out of your way to hurt you? And if she is truly happy, but still going out of your way to hurt you... .Wow, what kind of a person does that?

[itgirl]

Thank you to everyone who replied.  I had a terrible night with no sleep and the 3 hours I did get some sleep were nightmares.

I have to now get a plan in action to get her and possibly them out of the house I am paying.  I will send an email later this week as I am too hurt and I don't want her to think it is a knee jerk reaction.

She has now realized I took her of facebook and she is not happy.  I am ignoring all texts at the moment.

[Fr4nz]

My wife left me and went to another guy that we knew two weeks later. Few weeks after that it was over.

She wanted to meet up with me after that but treated me very poorly. She started to go out with random people from dating sites and what not. She continued to sleep with the first guy a few times who treated her very poorly and made her feel terrible. She stopped that eventually.

Few weeks after that she thinks she found someone she is falling for, again. That didn't last; she called me the day she was dumped, actually, I didn't get to answer it was 12:30 a.m. but still strange. Now she is wanting to meet up with me again.

All the while she is talking to me, depressed, hopeless, etc... .She's doing much better now, I think, and we may actually grab a drink this week.

I am very cautious as she is very talkative some days and not other days. She invited me out four times last week, but I was busy, then when I asked about the weekend or today (Monday) she said "nope busy. Maybe Monday but probably not, I'll let you know."

I'm not sure if she is just mad or what but it is very painful being replaced. I love her to bits still but it's clear she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Polis, at this point you have to care about yourself. The fact that she tells you about her flings/replacements hurts for sure (same happened to me... .and maybe that is also a form of triangulation... .), so the best thing to do, in this cases, is to politely tell her that to talk about such things hurts you and its better to stop.

Since at this stage you have to detach, if you can handle the contact I suggest you to go to low-contact mode; otherwise, if it's better for you to avoid contact OR your ex is still creating drama even in LC mode, go to no-contact mode.

[hopealways]

This is typical BPD behavior: if she was truly happy she would not be telling you about it. They are just looking for a reaction to know that you still care.

[itgirl]

Yep this morning at 07:00 AM I received two texts

1.  I am thinking about you all the time

2.  I miss you all the time

I am not going to be part of this triangle.  I haven't replied

[Hopeful83]

Yep this morning at 07:00 AM I received two texts

1.  I am thinking about you all the time

2.  I miss you all the time

I am not going to be part of this triangle.  I haven't replied

Ridiculous! Good for you - stay strong. Nothing good can come from replying to this I don't think. 

[seh77]

itgirl,

Don't text her back.  That's all they want to keep you just enough so that if something happens with their current relationship they will come running back.

Mine has done that to me.  But I put a stop to that last week.  There are no more things tying us together.  It's funny she was the one calling me upset about this or that.  Then she told me she's getting married to the girl of her dreams and that there needed to be boundaries.  So I made sure that everything that was in my name was cut off.  I made sure there was nothing tying us together.

So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.  It's hard to do but you will feel better in the long run.

[itgirl]

Thank you all for the advice. I do have have the house, her car, insurance and utilities all in my name. It will take till February to get the house off at least. And then our two dogs. She got to keep them. So heartbreaking for me.

I have been through a lot of push pulls. This time feels different. I think I hit my breaking point and I feel very determined to get my life back.

@Seh77. You sound like you are strong now. I hope I can get there.

[kc sunshine]

I'm with you, Itgirl! Being replaced is a big fear of mine. She hasn't gotten together with someone in the past two years of our on & off time together (though she has tried). I know it is only a matter of time now. I'm thinking about going NC so I don't have to hear about it.

I think you are doing the right thing making all the moves to separate the financial parts of your lives together.

[itgirl]

the latest.  I got a text last night where she is asking me if I want to stay at the house this weekend.  She is going away for the weekend.

either she wants me to look after the dogs or this is a very nasty way of telling me she is going on a romantic get away.  geez it never ends.  I have asked her 3 times to not contact me.  And I asked nicely cause I am a nice person.

[parisian]

the latest.  I got a text last night where she is asking me if I want to stay at the house this weekend.  She is going away for the weekend.

either she wants me to look after the dogs or this is a very nasty way of telling me she is going on a romantic get away.  geez it never ends.  I have asked her 3 times to not contact me.  And I asked nicely cause I am a nice person.

Itgirl, your thoughts about the reasons she asked you to stay at the house are probably correct. If we let low contact / 'friendship' (although we can never have a true 50/50 friendship with them like we can with non-BPD people) drag on, and we are able to step back and observe the disorder and try and keep our emotions out of it (very difficult I know), we will see what they are up to. Her asking you to stay was probably because she needs the dogs looked after. As harsh as this sounds, her asking you to do that has nothing to do with her feelings for you, and everything to do with her needing something from you. And it probably also served the purpose of trying to draw you into a Karpman Drama Triangulation and make you feel bad that she has someone else she is interested in.

Are you wanting to cut contact completely, or stay low contact? If low contact, google the term 'gray rock', which is an interesting (and sounds effective) way of responding to them if you must keep in contact.

It's interesting you say you asked nicely because you are a nice person and of course you are. Those with BPD don't care about how nice or not we are at all. They don't care about our boundaries because they are disordered. So whilst you asked nicely of course she is going to ignore it because she may need to keep you tethered to her for some need in the future - either sitting the dogs or potentially recycling with you (or trying to), when the 'new' r/s goes south... .

[itgirl]

My goal is to lead a happy life and moving on from this chapter.  I will eventually have no contact with her but while I am paying the bills there will have to be low contact.  By that I mean I cant block her on my phone but will NOT respond to any old text.

Thank for the tip on the grey rock.  I haven't heard that one before and when I looked it up it seems legit.  She contacts to create drama so I will not fall for that.

She just texted again about bank cards being missing.  Nope I am not falling for that either.

[MSNYC]

Ugh I'm sorry! I am still receiving "I love and miss you" messages from boy and yet see him simultaneously making flirty comments on a woman's pics online frequently (guaranteed she will be the next)! I can't imagine how much difficult it is without the family validation and with the shared finance situation.

[parisian]

My goal is to lead a happy life and moving on from this chapter.  I will eventually have no contact with her but while I am paying the bills there will have to be low contact.  By that I mean I cant block her on my phone but will NOT respond to any old text.

Thank for the tip on the grey rock.  I haven't heard that one before and when I looked it up it seems legit.  She contacts to create drama so I will not fall for that.

She just texted again about bank cards being missing.  Nope I am not falling for that either.

Sounds like you have created some space and are able to observe her disorder and how it manifests in her contact with you, which is great.

Have you considered possible actions she might take / not take, to deliberately drag out your settlement in order for her to keep you around? Sometimes they do that, including not responding to any contact you have with them when you are trying to settle things. You know her best and is it worthwhile having some Plan B's up your sleeve if she isn't cooperative about sorting things out?

[itgirl]

At the moment I am painted black.  She is doing everything in her power to run away from me.  Living in my  house is too much.  So she is on a mission to move out with nothing.  Leave all the things we bought together as that reminds her of me.

This should last a long time. She is a runner.