I miss the man I fell in love with.

[Lotus1976]

I hope I'm writing in the right place. I just need to get this off my chest without bothering those around me or internalizing it. I miss him. It's been about a week of no contact. The person I fell in love with was a gentle man. He was sweet and giving and sensitive. We talked a lot about everything and became best friends And amazing lovers. He's not a liar or a con. I've met and dated those guys too. This guy is sweet. He helps my kids with their homework and helps me around the house... .Buys me cards.

This is why when an episode happens and I'm verbally abused, called names, guilt tripped and manipulated, I'm so confused. I never know when it's gonna strike. I sense the episodes coming... .He seems a bit quiet or anxious... .A little sarcastic or negative... .It's something I FEEL. Then, I do or say the slightest thing and he flies into a rage. During these times I cannot talk to him or rationalize with him. Silence makes it WAY worse. Speaking doesn't help. It makes him more mad and his words are ALL over the place. Consoling and comforting doesn't work, he pushes me away ... .and says " you don't love me... .Why don't you find someone else better than me? Go do  so and so... .Etc. one time I battled this for 6 hours straight! He would NOT stop talking. Total moter mouth nonsense! ( with me being targeted)

He wants me to chase him and beg him to stay. It is HARD to do after being called all that? At some point my own sense of self esteem kicks in... .Like heck no! I don't deserve this. I e walked home before. I typically just shut down and can't speak because I'm so afraid and confused and hurt.

I need help. I guess writing about this is really helping. I just miss him. I don't know if it's BPD or what but he totally fits the mold. I do want to mention he watched his best friend get murdered in front of him four years ago and never sought treatment. This could be PTSD.

I just love him so very much... .Not in a naive superficial way. In an unconditional way. I would stay if he were in therapy. I'm willing to go with him as a couple. We've broken up every time this happens. It's horrible. I don't know if I've been discarded or if he misses me or what. I'm going on a trip for a few days on s spiritual retreat kinda thing. I'm planning on contacting him when I get home. 

I don't want to live in an abusive cycle. I just know I love him a whole lot and he's my best friend and partner. But I know I don't want to keep dealing with this insanity and reckless behavior.

I'm tempted to send him some info on BPD. I don't know. Any advice? Do I give up or what?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Lotus, a couple of points. Do you know what DBT is? If you do have you ever thought about doing it for yourself? There's a module, the last one, on interpersonal effectiveness and I think that could really help you. There are three communication techniques: DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST and FAST helps you keep your self esteem. FAST stands for be fair to yourself and the other, do not apologize for what you believe in, stick to your values, and be truthful. I found that to be really helpful when working through the recent conflict with my partner.

The other thing is I think you could be right about your partner having PTSD and if he's not willing to talk to someone about that there's nothing you can do.

[waverider]

 

It is a pretty hard slap in the face when you are faced with this new reality.

It will take some adjustment, but having a confused personality disorder does not mean someone is bad or a lost cause, though it may feel like that.

It will mean some readjustments on your behalf, as you will have to rediscover who he is, which may not be who you thought he was or may become.

We can help you here, we have been down that path. We understand.

There is a lot that can be done, it will take time and patience.

Best wishes

Waverider