A non's addiction to the BPD sufferer

[CharWood]

I realize that this is a toxic relationship I was in for 4 years and it's an addiction. Something in me is addicted to getting the acceptance from her I will never get. I'm addicted to the image of herself she painted for me and I knew for 2 years... .a false image. I've been in this chaos so long I may have grown comfortable with it, comfortable with settling for less and accepting abuse. I lost myself. My ex wlll be gone from our house and back home out of state for10 days starting tomorrow. I realize I need to use that time for detaching and rehabbing.

How do you break the addiction? How do you wean yourself away and find yourself again? How have you who have detached successfully done it?

[juniorswailing]

This was posted elsewhere as part of a bigger message but I think it is of help;

2. Let go of the fantasy.

Many people don’t realize that a large majority of the pain they experience during a break-up has nothing to do with the relationship they really had. Relationships always end for a reason. It is rarely a complete surprise because things generally haven’t been going well for a while. There is often a long list of what each person did or didn’t do that led to all the fighting and hurt feelings. Most people don’t want back the relationship they actually had. What they mourn for is the relationship they thought they could have had if things had just been different. But the truth is, that relationship didn’t exist. Letting go of a dream can be painful. When the relationship first started there were expectations set for what it could be based on the good things that seemed to be unfolding at the time. Almost all relationships are great in the beginning—otherwise they would have never started—but the whole of a relationship is what it was from beginning to end.

Because our mind is trying to heal our heart, the painful memories often get shifted to the background and we find ourselves remembering and longing for the good times. We forget who the person really was and idealize who we wanted them to be. A good strategy for getting past these moments is to simply write down every painful thing you can remember happening during the relationship and read it over to yourself while making the effort to vividly recall those memories until the painful feelings subside. The point here isn’t to stay angry, but to remember the full truth of why the relationship ended. Eventually, letting go of these events will be an important part of the forgiveness and healing process, but in order to let go of something you must first acknowledge and accept that it happened.

[Lonely_Astro]

I realize that this is a toxic relationship I was in for 4 years and it's an addiction. Something in me is addicted to getting the acceptance from her I will never get. I'm addicted to the image of herself she painted for me and I knew for 2 years... .a false image. I've been in this chaos so long I may have grown comfortable with it, comfortable with settling for less and accepting abuse. I lost myself. My ex wlll be gone from our house and back home out of state for10 days starting tomorrow. I realize I need to use that time for detaching and rehabbing.

How do you break the addiction? How do you wean yourself away and find yourself again? How have you who have detached successfully done it?

I was in a r/s with mine for about 3 months 4 years ago.  I got super attached to her quickly and it was painful when it all fell apart.  How I did it back then was I just woke up one day and realized how much lies, deceit, and abuse I had received during my time with her.  I didn't really want to talk to her and I moved on.  We started back up about a year ago and while it took longer to fall apart, it fell apart.  This time, I was closer to her than before.  I am LC with her and planning to go NC in the future.  I am weaning myself by not texting her first thing (or really that much at all), not looking at my phone for her to call/text, and I tell myself every morning that I am going to be better than I was the day before.

My pwBPD is a waif and internal rage type.  She's never cut me down verbally, but she has emotionally abused me.  She has devalued me and she has cheated on me.  I told myself that I would work through it, but like last time, I came to the realization that life is to short and I deserve better.  Relationships are give and take, not just give and never receive.  While it still isn't easy (what ending of any relationship is?), the pain eases each passing day.  It's been harder now that the holidays are here and she's still stringing me along (as much as I allow, anyway).

It is tough to let go of these perceived relationships because they attach to our very core, play on our own fears, and make us feel so awesome (just like any drug of choice).  It is much like being an addict, but we also can move on when we choose to... .theres nothing saying we can't but ourselves.  When the time comes that you're ready to move on, you will.  I did and if I can do it, so can you  

[Itstopsnow]

A healthy relationship has all the good times you experienced with you ex. The excitement, and fun spontenanous things you did, feeling that they love you. But a healthy relationship doesn't have the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, all the lies, the cheating, the disregard for you as a person. Don't settle for missing crumbs. You can find someone better. I have the same addiction . But I rather be alone than mistreated and abused .

[GreenEyedMonster]

I know I'm addicted to my ex, too.  I post here and sometimes on the "undecided" board because he dumped me and will not let me talk to him at all, so the way things panned out is not my choice.  I can't swear that I'd never get back together with him, but I don't necessarily think that's a healthy impulse.  I am trying to figure myself out and how much of my feelings for him are the things we had in common versus the addiction.

At any rate, there are a lot of studies about "intermittent reinforcement" that might be interesting to someone who feels addicted to a BPD ex.  Intermittent reinforcement -- where a reward may or may not be given for a good behavior -- has shown to create addiction even more than consistent reinforcement.  So people with BPD give us intermittent reinforcement because of their disorder, and we get hooked on them.  For example, if I ask for something from my ex and he may or may not say yes, and it feels random, then if he does say yes, I get a big burst of happy drugs in my brain that makes me even more hooked on him.

Additionally, for people in abusive relationships, the lack of abuse can begin to register as love.  For example, my ex has been threatening me with a PPO.  After his initial threat, I would check my mail each day to see if I had a letter from the court system.  Every day that I didn't get a letter from the court, I felt myself falling in love with him again because he was being "nice" to me and not filing one.  Ugh.

My ex is cyberstalking me on a daily basis on a website that (unbeknownst to him) logs his activity.  If he doesn't stalk for a day, I feel rejected.  Sigh.

[reachingoutuk]

I'm a year out yet I haven't broken that addiction. I have to keep low contact with her & see her each week as we have a daughter, my ex is still with my replacement so that hurts but my main problem is like an obsession of the mind. It wasn't a good relationship, she is not a good person & we are obviously not compatable & probably never would be yet for some reason all this time on I still think about her lots & lots every single day of my life & it does my head in.

Iv obviously got massive codependency issues & a very obsessive addictive personality

[CharWood]

Thank you everyone for your responses and helpful information and advice.

reachingoutuk: I feel that way as well with my ex wife. we do not have any children together, so I do not really have any lifelong ties to her... .other than the fact that she apparently cant stand  me, but is happy to go the rest of her life latching onto me and following me around the world, if she has her way.

Like your ex wife, mine is not a good person. I have came to that realization. She is broken and unhealthy and she allows that to own her and dictate the kind of person she is... .and her lack of treatment and sickness hurts others. its not okay. she cannot love and her attachment to others manifests itself in a hurtful and damaging way. It is like, when a child has a crush on someone, so they relentlessly pick on them. I am glad you are out from under her for the most part. mine has been out of state for 3 days and it feels as though a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

our house together is my last tie to her and we are unloading that at the end of December, thankfully.  after that, I am free to go. although she is still acting out and seeking a replacement and she was very hurtful to me last week... .she has since been texting and calling me while out of town (I feel in large part due to her BPD abandonment issues... I believe she is wrapped up in obsessing over what I am doing while she is gone). I have tried to keep the fact that I am moving back out of state under wraps; however, she has managed to find out and announced on facebook she is moving there too... .it is nuts. I feel as though she will do everything she can to keep herself latched on to me... .even stalk me like a crazy person halfway across the country. all this while she leaves the house and doesn't even come home 3 nights last week. she is nuts. and I am tired. I cannot do it anymore. the energy in the house and my life feels peaceful without her presence. I realized while she has been gone that it would not be hard for me to adjust to a life without her. I would be more than able to break my addiction to her, if only I can physically put lots of space in between the two of us and get her out of my life.