What is the most helpful thing you have heard so far?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

4 months since she moved out and about 4 weeks NC.  Going through waves of greater historic-awareness followed by a sense of depressive helplessness. 

So wanted to ask the board; what is the most helpful thing you have heard/read here that gives you hope (preferably from this board - bpdfamily.com).

For me it's knowing that I am not alone and others can identify to all the difficulties of processing the end of this RS

[joeramabeme]

4 months since she moved out and about 4 weeks NC.  Going through waves of greater historic-awareness followed by a sense of depressive helplessness. 

So wanted to ask the board; what is the most helpful thing you have heard/read here that gives you hope (preferably from this board - bpdfamily.com).

For me it's knowing that I am not alone and others can identify to all the difficulties of processing the end of this RS

[Joem678]

For me that things get better.  And they really have.  i've been a member for about 3 weeks and I've had so much closure and healing.  I have been bummed this weekend and just sharing thoughts and reading others has helped me so much.

[Lonely_Astro]

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

For me, that quote helped me understand that I wasn't me during the time spent with her.  Sure, I was at first, but over the course of the r/s I did, said, and thought things that weren't me.  I gazed into the Abyss (her emptiness, as my interpretation), therefore it gazed into me.  I was slowly becoming a monster all my own.  That quote single handedly made me realize it and move on from her.

[Joem678]

Lonely,

I, too, have learned that I wasn't myself.  After 4 months of separation my family and friends have noticed a different me.  But, most importantly, my kids have noticed a change.  I got better and she is getting worse.  More and more stressed it seems.

[C.Stein]

This forum has helped a lot in dealing with the emotions and pain.  It has also helped with getting me to take a more objective look, both at myself and my ex.  I don't think there is any one thing in particular, just the support and shared similar experiences has really helped.

@LA

This is something I wrote to my ex in my last communication to her.  It speaks to what you said, and this board in part has helped me to come to this realization. 

Remember who I was in the beginning ... .I am a mere shadow of that man now. Over the course of our relationship I allowed my self-confidence, self-respect, self-worth and self-esteem to be severely compromise.  I let you push my buttons and I behaved in a manner that is uncharacteristic of me.  I allowed you to keep me in a near constant state of fear, doubt, guilt and anxiety and it has taken its toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally and professionally.  I sacrificed parts of ME in loving you and I allowed myself to become someone I am not.

[Lonely_Astro]

Lonely,

I, too, have learned that I wasn't myself.  After 4 months of separation my family and friends have noticed a different me.  But, most importantly, my kids have noticed a change.  I got better and she is getting worse.  More and more stressed it seems.

Others noted a change in me.  I was a lot more bitter, untrusting, and retracted than I had been.  No longer was I the outgoing, humorous person I once was.  Life was darker for me at every turn it seemed.  When our r/s fell apart, I was sad.  Now, I am hopeful and feeling better with each day.  I am still LC with mine, though I am not discussing r/s things with her.  Each day that she talks to me, I get more and more fed up with hearing about "how bad" she has it.  NC, for me, is just around the corner.  I had a brief conversation with her yesterday, which was really off the wall for me, so I feel like I am ready for the transition.  It's hard to avoid her, so I'm trying to simply become more boring and humdrum so that she will simply fade away on her own without all the drama.  From what I can tell from yesterday, she's painted me half black, so it's only a matter of time.

[troisette]

That others have also felt the emotional devastation, survived and recovered.

[butterfly15]

That we are not alone in this world of mental illness relationships. It's not our fault. Our ex's were most likely all incapable of truly loving us.

[hashtag_loyal]

I think learning about codependency has been the most helpful for me, especially how it is toxic for both us (the caretakers) and for them (the dependent.) A "one-up", uneven romantic relationship is just not healthy for anyone involved, and I will make sure I never again find myself in one.

[love4meNOTu]

what is the most helpful thing you have heard/read here that gives you hope (preferably from this board - bpdfamily.com).

Hi Joe -

A couple of things really helped, the first was being able to vent about what had happened. My friends and family did not get it, and were completely sick of hearing about it. My therapist was completely frustrated with me, she saw me spiralling down even tho my ex was gone.

The second was the input I received from some of the senior members here... they validated what I had been through.

The third was the amount of pain I was in ... I felt that I was in such pain because I had loved him so much. When in fact, it was not love. It was trauma bonding, my core wounds from childhood. Which had been healed by the mirroring of the relationship for the first few months.

Made all that much more painful when the mask of mirroring was ripped away just a few weeks after marriage.

I am so lucky I am divorced from that man. I can't imagine what life would have been like being forced to suffer through his tantrums for eternity.

L

[steve195915]

I'm actually still in a relationship with my BPDgf and have been on an emotional roller coaster as you all can relate.  I haven't been able to get off the coaster yet but what does help is being on here and understanding BPD, that she won't get better though I can manage her outbursts better.  If we break up again, or if she cheats thats it for me and this site will give me the strength to follow through with ending it and the suggestions and support will help me persevere.

[hergestridge]

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

For me, that quote helped me understand that I wasn't me during the time spent with her.  Sure, I was at first, but over the course of the r/s I did, said, and thought things that weren't me.  I gazed into the Abyss (her emptiness, as my interpretation), therefore it gazed into me.  I was slowly becoming a monster all my own.  That quote single handedly made me realize it and move on from her.

I second that. The emptiness. As I learnt about BPD and read about ppls experiences here it dawned on me that my exwife had not abandoned me or our dream. She was never really there and there was no "we" or "our" anything. Never had been. Terrible insight, but extremely hepful.

Instead of feeling shame of 20 years of life gone wrong, I realized that I had spent all these years more or less alone. I had accomplished a lot of my own and had some good times. It wasn't a waste of time. But I was alone. We didn't share. She is not capable of having a history together or having a shared life. She is (and was) alone in her emotional bubble.

[draptemp]

i am going on close to a year of total devastation. There are times that i am weak and seem to be convinced that his evaluation of it all being my fault was true, but then as soon as I come here and read the almost identical situations and circumstances of others, the most rewarding thing is that i understand; it really isn't me, it is him.

This realization does not mean that i don't still battle the emotional roller coaster this cruelty and mean spirited mind continues to inflict on me, not to mention the unbelief that he has had at least 3 sexual encounters with complete strangers that he has met online dating sites. 

However, the knowledge that there are literally 100's of us that fight the same battle everyday makes me not feel so alone. thank you for thinking to put up this thread for us to share what has helped most

[Joem678]

Herges,  you continue being a mirror image of myself.  I never thought of it that way.  I really did accomplish everything alone.  She tumbled it but it was me.  It makes so much sense.

[Forestaken]

I spent years, I mean YEARS on these boards before finally deciding to end my abusive r/s.

1) You deserve better

2) You are an important person, you have value.

3) Things will get better.

Just before I filed for divorce, I saw a quote (paraphrase)

"Strength isn't just hanging on but also letting go"

[musherx]

Anxiety5 has several posts in this forum that have helped me gain perspective and separate myself. I am very grateful to him for sharing his story and perspectives. It really resonated with me. I also printed out several pages with stuff about a pwBPD seeking sources of Narcissistic Supply and read it in moments of anger, despair or confusion. It helped me tremendously.

from Anxiety5

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279717.0

"But to all those out there who dream of their return. You need to understand that it's not real. My awareness in round 2 meant I witnessed this cycle in full consciousness this time around. It's disturbing and it's completely 100% disingenuous. Their feelings are not real. They are hollow. It's all an act. Something they are good at and the intentions behind it are manipulative not sincere."

from Anxiety5

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279529.msg12643665#msg12643665

":)espite it all, she did not change in anyway. My anger for her has transitioned to a form of disgust. That hope I used to feel (to a fault) is just gone now. You can say personality disorder, you can throw fancy terms around, you can debate where the trauma happened, and you can argue a lot of different points. But I'm left with one feeling when I think of her: She is a bad person."



Other short paragraphs I found that echoed a lot of what Anxiety5  wrote.

"A Borderline tries to gain a sense of self through engagement with others. Their seduction routines are reflexive, predatory and highly perfected, but this is only a symptom of deeper pathology related to feelings of insecurity and unworthiness."

"Borderlines are intoxicated by The Chase--not the capture. The moment they sense you're hopelessly hooked, they lose interest, and their distancing and acting-out behaviors begin. By now, you're emotionally invested, and you're in far too deep to walk away. When your relationship with a Borderline ends, it's incredibly painful because you haven't just lost him or her, you've also lost yourself."

"If you felt like you and your needs didn't matter (past the seduction phase in this relationship), you were very close to the truth. In reality, a Borderline is primarily interested in obtaining narcissistic supply. This means, virtually anybody can become the next object of interest, to satisfy their ego needs. They might flirt with others or initiate romantic exchanges over the Internet, while they're involved with you! If God forbid, you aren't instantly available when he/she wants you, they could forage for attention/mirroring elsewhere. In a sense, partners are interchangeable--no matter what you've been told."