Codependency

[unicorn2014]

So I'll admit it, I know I have a tendency towards codependency. I first started grappling with this as a teenager living under my parents roof. I've been asking myself why I'm in this relationship and I need to make very sure it's not for codependent reasons.

If people want to continue the discussion about the pitfalls of  location sharing and my right to  privacy from my last thread, lets do so here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

So I'll admit it, I know I have a tendency towards codependency. I first started grappling with this as a teenager living under my parents roof. I've been asking myself why I'm in this relationship and I need to make very sure it's not for codependent reasons.   If people want to continue the discussion about the pitfalls of  location sharing and my right to  privacy from my last thread, lets do so here.  

         There is also a another term for you to look up and understand.    Enmeshment  I think you have established the pitfalls of location sharing for yourself.           

FF

[unicorn2014]

I know the term well. My parents are enmeshed. My dad knows they are. He told me this the week before thanksgiving . They modeled it for me. If anyone on the coping board is reading this some insight would be helpful. I will probably end up posting about this over there. I had to return the book surviving the borderline parent to the library. It's my mom who I think exhibits borderline traits.

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Location sharing is not the problem today.

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I'm thinking about the FOG especially the obligation and guilt.

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My SO has bought me many necessities : a fitness tracker, a printer, an umbrella, money for shoes, gloves, books I've asked for, a case for my phone, extensions for my case, hats, socks, earrings.

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I'm struggling with feeling angry with him for promising to divorce, relocate, buy a house and take care of me and my daughter. In fact I am furious with him for promising this and failing to deliver.

[Grey Kitty]

Asking yourself why you are in the r/s, or if it is a codependent r/s is a tough question, and I'm not sure how helpful it is. Too easy to blame yourself and get lost there.

A better question is what of your behavior in this relationship is codependent?

And what options are you looking at to improve it?

[unicorn2014]

Thanks grey kitty. Since I have PTSD I am prone to self blame so I appreciate the observation.

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I will think about our question and get back to you. However I can say feeling obligated to respond to every text is probably codependent , for starters.

[formflier]

  Location sharing is not the problem today.  

         But it is still a problem that needs to be addressed.  As is your need for "space" (less contact throughout the day).    Please do not distract yourself from taking action on issues you have discussed and solved with "today's problem"  

  I'm struggling with feeling angry with him for promising to divorce, relocate, buy a house and take care of me and my daughter. In fact I am furious with him for promising this and failing to deliver.  

         Your anger is valid and justified.  Instead of "struggling" with it, sit with it.  Feel it.  I'm also interested in how you feel about your choices.          

FF

[unicorn2014]

Formflier my anger is challenging every radical acceptance skill I have. I've taken DBT 3 times, I'm in my 4th class, and this emotion has me up against the wall. My classmates and the facilitators are impressed with my knowledge and I'm still challenged beyond belief by this emotion. It's taking everything I have to deal with it. I am sitting with it. I do not like it. I want it to change. I am not happy.

[Grey Kitty]

My classmates and the facilitators are impressed with my knowledge and I'm still challenged beyond belief by this emotion. It's taking everything I have to deal with it. I am sitting with it. I do not like it. I want it to change. I am not happy.

Ain't nuthin' fun about it, but that kind of practice is what really makes a difference.

[formflier]

Formflier my anger is challenging every radical acceptance skill I have. I've taken DBT 3 times, I'm in my 4th class, and this emotion has me up against the wall. My classmates and the facilitators are impressed with my knowledge and I'm still challenged beyond belief by this emotion. It's taking everything I have to deal with it. I am sitting with it. I do not like it. I want it to change. I am not happy.  

         I'm also curious if you should be "worrying" (not sure if right word) about being angry.  It's a valid emotion.  I believe I would be angry if I was in your situation.    Important thing is to not stuff it.  It seems you are doing ok there.  You are not lashing out, so that is good.  It would seem to me that you are at the point of asking, is there anything I can do about my anger.  Note:  There is no rush to figure that out, in fact I would encourage you (as others have) not to rush.  By the same token, if you believe you have figured out something you can do to address your anger, don't delay while fretting about the consequences.          

FF

[unicorn2014]

Grey kitty in terms of how I feel about my choices: not happy.

I was tracing the trajectory of my relationship this morning and I know how I got to this place.

There are certain BPD behaviors I did not understand such as mirroring and certain traits I did not understand such as lack of self. My SO denies that he does either of those but I have experienced them both from him.

In the beginning of the r/s I gave him certain ideas and he took them and ran with them. He claims he is a builder. However when I changed those ideas he complained which leads me to believe he needed those ideas even though he said I did.

Today I am not happy that I chose to believe him that he would divorce, relocate, buy a house and marry me. He claims he's still going to do those things but it's been 3 years and nothing has changed. I am ready to move on and I am. I set up a budget this month and I started talking to my daughter about preparing to buy a house. It's going to take a couple of years to save up but when I talk to my partner about this he gets upset if I mention wanting to buy a condo.

[unicorn2014]

Formflier there's nothing I can do about the choices I've made in the past, I can only move forward and I am. I'm even open to the possibility of leaving the relationship and I haven't chosen to do that yet.

[Grey Kitty]

Today I am not happy that I chose to believe him that he would divorce, relocate, buy a house and marry me. He claims he's still going to do those things but it's been 3 years and nothing has changed.

The saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." comes to mind.

More important is this idea: Don't blame yourself for not knowing things before you learned them.

There are certain BPD behaviors I did not understand such as mirroring and certain traits I did not understand such as lack of self. My SO denies that he does either of those but I have experienced them both from him.

Your family and relationship history left you very vulnerable to this kind of thing. It took quite a lot for you to learn what you did about his (bad) behaviors. Give yourself credit for your kind and loving intentions at the time. And try not to beat yourself up for not having the tools then that you are developing now.

I am ready to move on and I am. I set up a budget this month and I started talking to my daughter about preparing to buy a house. It's going to take a couple of years to save up but when I talk to my partner about this he gets upset if I mention wanting to buy a condo.

I think you know that the answer to that is to let him get upset if he's going to, and do what is right for you.

If you get your financial house in order so you can buy a condo in a couple years, you will be better off. It is a good plan. If he does something different than he's done in the last three years, he might well buy you the house he dreams of buying for you before then. Or he might not. You don't have a crystal ball to see that one clearly.

But it doesn't matter what he does. If you have your affairs in order, you have more options, and will make a better life for yourself and your daughter.

[unicorn2014]

Grey kitty, my daughter and I have secure housing but if she moves out after she graduates from high school I might have to move so I'm preparing for my future, not hers. What we need is a car and what I need is a license. I'm preparing to save up for driving lessons and a down payment on a car. I signed our truck over to my ex when I divorced him because I kept getting his tickets.

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I appreciate the heads up on self blame. I'm very symptomatic right now in terms of my PTSD because of what I discovered in September so I am very prone to self blame right now.