I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself

[JohnThorn]

I am feeling very empowered tonight as I write this. And I wanted to post about it.

What I've discovered about me in relation to my relationship with my uBPD ex and the addiction/obsession which has persisted inside me even a year after our breakup is that what it really is an unhappiness from within.

I broke NC with my ex about a month ago and my obsession began to spiral. Which only amounted in tremendous guilt for me as I am in a committed relationship with another woman (one who is healthy)

In the time we've been apart it seems my ex has taken ownership of some of her downfalls. I am proud of her. I still care. I still have a tendency to obsess over what went wrong with us and how I played a roll.

What I am realizing tonight though is that I want to be happy. I want to be happy more than I want my ex. More than I want a relationship. I want to right the wrongs in me, the things I don't like about myself. I think I needed to be entangled with a BPD person to recognize that I have awful narcissistic tendencies. And I am confronting them every day now. I feel that in a very short time I have a gained a lot of insight into who I really am. And I think I needed to reacquaint myself with my ex (my greatest addiction) in order to really admit to myself that I have not done enough to correct what's wrong in me.

I don't suffer from NPD nor BPD but I share elements of both disorders and I think it's been worthwhile to my health to stop feeling totally victimized and realize that I played a huge roll in our failing. And I too was an abuser. I too was a manipulator. Just in a slightly different way. I feel I reacted to things as they occurred but my ex lived in a more abruptly distorted head.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. These things I hate about me need to be changed and if it took a horrible relationship and relapse for me to admit these things to myself then I am ok that it happened.

I have joined a love addiction 12 step today. And I have continued to go to therapy. And I blocked my ex in every possible way, not in anger. I admitted to her that I am addicted to her and that I really wish her well but any open door leaves the needle in my arm.

I feel empowered today.

[once removed]

I feel empowered today.

as you should, johnthorn  !

look at all of these positive steps, not the least of which is the attitude. way to be proactive and responsible.

something you might consider in this process: the old axiom that no one is perfect or ever will be. having things that we dont like about ourselves is different than hating things about ourselves.  there will always be things that we dont like about ourselves, and even self improvement can become an addiction.

there is room for learning to love yourself in this process, and thats not at odds with self improvement or bettering oneself. are there things you can do to practice self love in therapy and the 12 step program or even by yourself?

[cosmonaut]

This is a really great post, John.  I remember your recent thread, and there has already been a huge shift.  That's something very difficult, but highly courageous to do.  It takes strength.  So, I just want to take the chance to congratulate you.  Keep going.  You're on a difficult, but important road - one that will lead you to a better life.

Keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.  This is hard stuff, and we can all use some support along the way.  You don't have to do this alone.

Proud of you.

[pallavirajsinghani]

John:  What an amazing insight and an amazing strength to part with love.  And what an amazing commitment to a healthy self-love.

Understand that when the initial rush of decisiveness begins to wane, some doubt will set in.  This will be an emotional process.  Be forgiving of yourself and be kind to yourself.

God Bless.

[JohnThorn]

Thank you guys

I am still feeling empowered, but I had a rough night all the same. I ended up obsessing over details endlessly.  It really does feel that there's no way out at times.