New member - My experience(s)

[2muchflak]

I have done some reading on this board and would first off like to thank everyone for sharing. It is comforting to know that others are experiencing the same challenges that I am.

I have been with my significant other, who was diagnosed with BP long before I met her, for almost two and a half years. I have more or less reached the tipping point in the relationship. I have suffered a tremendous amount of verbal and physical abuse. The verbal abuse lasts for hours with her breaking down and spiralling into deep depression in which I always help her with to the best of my ability. The physical abuse has been severe. One instance was when she clocked me in the head and I lost hearing in my left ear for around a month or so.

Coupled with these issues is the destruction of property. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. My BP SO has destroyed things my daughter has made me as well as photos and gifts. I have also had an Xbox smashed on the ground along with games destroyed, a laptop stabbed and destroyed with a 12 inch knife, an expensive pair of prescription glasses snapped in two, clothes shredded... .the list goes on.

My self worth has plummeted, I am on medication for depression and I really have settled into a pattern of not saying much to anything in order to simply keep the peace. She often says I am closed off or don't say much, yet when I do open up (I do so in the calmest, most diplomatic, and caring way possible when she is calm) she then tends to build up anger and then lashes out at me. She has been hospitalized at a mental health institution many times over the course of our relationship. She attends a BP clinic once a week and also is taking a number of medications in addition to psychotherapy. I keep hoping the aforementioned improves, but it does so only for a limited time before she reverts back to her old patterns.

I love her dearly, but have run out of emotional fuel a long time ago. I feel like, in her mind, there are no repercussions to destroying my property, berating me (it gets beyond evil for lack of better words), or physically abusing me. So it continues. I don't know how to set up boundaries or get through to her that all of this is simply not ok and destroying our relationship as I am falling out of love with her.

I have tried my utmost best to deal with every facet of this illness, but I just feel spent. Each day I wake up in a great mood, only to have it destroyed later by her mood swings and anger. I came here hoping to gain some help and insight.

Many thanks again for all of your posts. I will continue to read your experiences and suggested readings in hopes of gaining some more information to make the proper decision.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi 2muchflak, 

Welcome. I am glad that you are sharing your story with us.

I understand how frustrating and draining your situation is.    Physical and verbal abuse are serious issues. Serious boundaries get crossed when you become a victim to abuse. I am sorry that you had to endure this. 

When a heated situation when a pwBPD gets escalated and there is a high probability of violence, the best thing to do is leave the house to diffuse it.  Extracting yourself from potential violence and giving your pwBPD time to "cool off" primarily is the best option. Have you tried this before?

There are ways to communicate with pwBPD. Learning how to effectively communicate with pwBPD truly helps a potentially bad situation more tolerable.  Also, the communication tools are great for the non BPD partner to address our feelings or concerns. In a relationship with a pwBPD, there is a tendency for the non partner to "walk on eggshells" so there is no conflict.  Unfortunately, not addressing our needs or concerns leads to us feeling emotionally drained. I felt like this for a very long time until I started using communication tools, like SET. Using the tools has really made conversations that would have been a potential heated argument, into more of a discussion.  Here is an article to help you get started.  TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

It is important for us to take care of ourselves first. It is so common for us to place our pwBPD's needs before our own. Unfortunately, while doing this we are left feeling drained. Taking some time to focus on your needs and healing should be a priority. Along with posting on here,  I found that having an outside support team of friends, family, and my therapist really helps. Do you have an outside support team?   

Take some time to read the lessons on the right side of this board.  The lessons will help you guide your decision.

[cloudten]

 

So very sorry for everything you have gone through! I would never wish our kind of suffering on anybody.

I know it is draining! Somehow you will carry on though believe it or not- no matter what you decide to do. What are you doing to take care of yourself? I have tried to find one or two things that kind of keep me going... .hobbies that help me take care of myself. I work out a lot (the endorphins are a great way to feel better), I enjoy wine although that is a danger point for me. I am thinking of taking up sewing again which is a hobby I stopped several years ago. I also like to spend quality 1:1 time with my daughter.

[Silveron]

2muchflak,

  I feel for you, I am in the same situation.  I have a 7 year old daughter to my BPD wife of 10 years.  The rages, the abuse, the putdowns.  It's exhausting.  It tears apart the bond.  My question is, when she becomes this way do I just stop and walk away every time?  How does anything get resolved?  How do you have a meaningful discussion with them?  As soon as she disagrees with me, she becomes verbally abusive.  It doesn't matter if our daughter is there or not.  She acts like she's entitled to act this way and show no remorse for what she's done.

[BestVersionOfMe]

2muchflak,

  I feel for you, I am in the same situation.  I have a 7 year old daughter to my BPD wife of 10 years.  The rages, the abuse, the putdowns.  It's exhausting.  It tears apart the bond.  My question is, when she becomes this way do I just stop and walk away every time?  How does anything get resolved?  How do you have a meaningful discussion with them?  As soon as she disagrees with me, she becomes verbally abusive.  It doesn't matter if our daughter is there or not.  She acts like she's entitled to act this way and show no remorse for what she's done.

I'm in the same boat.  I feel like I can't get anywhere and my wife uses all of the tricks of the trade to keep me off balance.  Whatever she does to me is what she accuses me of. 

[eyvindr]

Silveron and 2muchflak --

I'm sorry you're going through this. As others have said, I wanted to welcome you to the boards and reinforce that you've landed in a good place, where others will listen and understand -- and try to even when we don't.

All I can say is that it's horrible that you're dealing with this. At some point, you will make a choice -- you've been making choices your whole lives, now is no different. Sharing your stories here, getting them down in words, and out of your systems may help you to crystallize your thoughts and feelings, and you may find yourselves approaching decisions faster than you have in the past. Or the opposite may be true, and you might find yourselves taking more time to consider your options. In either case, it's ok -- it's a process. Be gentle with yourselves -- but take care of yourselves.

Something I'd be considering very seriously at this point, given the presence of children and the established pattern of physical abuse and property destruction is when is enough enough? It's clear that you're both suffering the impact of your partners' illness -- and you're both adults, with a lifetime of experience behind you and some degree of coping systems that you've developed over time. What about the children? How is this impacting them? What are they learning from growing up around this level of dysfunction? How will it impact their lives and futures?

Keep posting, and hang in there. We're here to help with the processing part -- it's up to you to implement the actionable decisions. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

As the previous posters have said - this is a great place for getting things off your chest safely, and finding out that others are experiencing situations similar to yours. 

It sounds as if you may be like me.  The first time someone said I needed to set boundaries, I was clueless.  I literally had no idea what they were talking about.  It would be helpful to read the lessons on this site.  They are really informative. 

That being said, nobody has the right to abuse you.  Take care of yourself.  Find out what that means.  I had to find out about that, too. 

Best of luck to you! 

[2muchflak]

I've been away for some time,but appreciate everyone's input.

We hit rock bottom since my last post. The verbal abuse ceased for anshort time during our trial separation. Fast forward to present day.

The verbal and physical abuse seems to happen every 7-8 days. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure which was really no surprise to me unfortunately. Whenever the verbal abuse aka lashing out starts it usually lasts for hours. I don't always have a place to go to remove myself from the situation. During this time I have to stay silent for fear of escalation. In the event I do get angry, but at least stay logical, then I'm the one with the problem and she threatens to, or does call the police.

I feel trapped, demeaned, and now have terribly low self esteem. I have to walk through this relationship with a backup plan for living arrangements because I moved in with her 3 1/2 yars ago.

I'm able to assist with her depression and anxiety, but the lashing out is now affecting my health. When she is calm she expresses remorse, however if I express how the lashing out affected me, then the tables get tiurned; I'm the one who needs to "man up", " just leave", or am blamed for why she lashes out. Simply put I can't win and end up in a deep depression and feel trapped.

I have attended her one on one therapy sessions and read books about BPD in order to educate myself on the disorder, but it feels like a one sided effort.

I love this woman to death, but now my backup plan seems to be needing action. I was alone in my conviction to stay and work with her as everyone including health professionals have stated that it would be in my best interest for my psychological, emotional, and physical health to leave.

Fearing what some one is going to say or do every time they walk through the door is enough stress alone. I don't feel safe around her anymore and also at the end of my rope. Next time will be different has gone completely out the window. If anything it's progressively getting worse.

Again, thank-you for your kind responses.

CC.

[Svarl1]

Hi 2muchflak,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, which I must say has triggered anger in me because i have so been there.

Quite a few years ago i also moved in with someone and was then subjected to a few years of frequent violence, possessiveness and verbal abuse.

As with you, she wanted me to feel that it was all my fault. Because of a nasty (not physically violent, but very hurtful) thing which I did do to her, I did feel terrible guilt and that made me take the violence for a lot longer than i should have: she made me believe that it was justice and that she needed to express back what I caused her. At the time i had never even heard of BPD and so assumed she was a reasonable, but hurt, person.

Now i know that in reality there's NO excuse for domestic violence by either partner.

Anyway, she threw me out, but then reconnected after a short time (when her new relationship didn't work out, i think). We moved to a different city. The violence got worse. I wanted to die.

After a couple of years though, i couldn't take any more of it. I gave my notice at work, then left one day when she was out.

Though i felt i had to give up my job and house, though i was homeless for a time, sleeping in my car and running out of money, this was one of the best decisions I ever made.

She persuaded me to meet up "just to say goodbye"... .

One of the WORST decisions I ever made, as i'm still with her today many years later.

BUT - and this bit i think is relevant to you - she's never hit me again, as she knows this time I would NEVER come back.

I've gone on about me, but the end message is simple: Only by showing with your ACTIONS that you won't take it any more, will the violence ever stop.

From my experience, I know in my heart that's the truth.

The only extra complication for you is it seems she's willing to call the police and make false allegations against you. Fortunately my partner never did that.

But it shouldn't be a reason to make you stay in living hell.

False allegations must be a common thing, and there must be standard procedures for defending against them when leaving a manipulative partner. If Google is no help in this respect then I suggest you speak with a lawyer.

And i believe that the book "Splitting" deals with the subject, although I've not read it.

So make your preparations, gather what you need, and go.

Whether you go back is up to you, but if you do, then make it on your terms, and make it clear that things will never be the way they were before. Only from your ACTIONS will she believe you.

Best of luck

Svarlbard