think my BPD ex is secretly trying to bring his current bf to our lunch

[fieldtrip1]

So, my BPD ex (well, we were not officially exclusively dating but I'll just call him an ex here) and I had an abrupt fallout last week, and about three days later he jumped into a new official exclusive relationship with a guy he met the week before and changed his FB status, while punishing me buy giving me a silent treatment.

Then all of a sudden he reappeared yesterday, asking me for a bunch of favors - since he's an expat here and he can't speak the language I've been helping with him a lot of stuff, this time it was his banking problem - and an advice for he and his new bf's date. But he seemed much less affectionate albeit not being standoffish. Then he asked me out for lunch and I accepted it.

Later I found out that he had asked his another ex, whom he also cut off, for lunch for a different date, which felt suspicious since I know they had stopped talking for a while. Then I realize maybe it's a bf-showoff tour of his. I'm more confident in the possibility of him bringing along his bf because he's done that with his random dates a lot, and the way he organized the lunch was also peculiar. He wanted it to be on this particular day even though he is on his vacation. He "casually" slipped that he and his bf is having a movie date the night before our lunch, and the bf's gonna stay at his place for the night. So I think it's quite plausible that he brings his bf to our lunch.

I actually find it very sad and pathetic and I'm not jealous at all, but I don't know how to act. What I was thinking, I act natural and be extra nice, especially to the new BF, to show that I'm not affected. But the very reason why we had a fallout was that I tried to set a boundary that he can't keep pushing his new dates to my face, forcing me to hang out with them, so me acting nicely is contradicting myself, kind of, and he will go all "I told you you're gonna like him too! let's hang out more often"

Any suggestions?

[C.Stein]

I think it is good you are setting and enforcing boundaries.  You need to do this for yourself and your own emotional well being.  Don't let him force you to compromise your boundary.   

[thisworld]

Then all of a sudden he reappeared yesterday, asking me for a bunch of favors - since he's an expat here and he can't speak the language I've been helping with him a lot of stuff, this time it was his banking problem - and an advice for he and his new bf's date. But he seemed much less affectionate albeit not being standoffish. Then he asked me out for lunch and I accepted it.

To me, this seems like a triangulation and your role is the helper. Are you really the only person in your ex's circle who can speak the language of the country you live in and reasonably help? (I'm not against helping an immigrant, I lived as an immigrant myself but this is something that gets exploited a lot in relationships. Your ex is a mature and capable adult who made all the way from one country to a developed country which has many voluntary organizations as well. What would he do if he didn't have you? I think you should help only if you want to help (ethical reasons, political reasons, who you are as a person etc) but not because they don't have anyone except you (moral, personal obligation). He probably has a lot of friends from his culture that speak your language. I don't want to appear cruel here or anything, I was an immigrant. Again of course, my opinions bind me and you don't have to agree or anything.)

Personally, I think any relationship where I'm thinking about how I should act, what message it would give to others is not a comfortable relationship. I would find it stressful and think that I'm not ready, yet. Some time in the future maybe. I'd say, sorry, busy that day and wouldn't feel obliged to make any more personal explanations.

If you go, I hope it goes well for you.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

What the f,  thier are immigrants who would, paint your house, cut your grass and invite for a home cooked meal out of gratitude.  Your wasting time on this one, use your gifts on yourself and others who will appreciate you.  Your worth isn't based on if this ex values you.