Moving on from being a Victim

[anon72]

Hi,

I just read a lesson about moving on from being a victim that was very helpful (old post):

Our partner's are mentally ill. Does that mean that everything bad is their fault? Does all the blame belong to them? Are we the innocent victims here? What responsibility do we have in the dysfunctional dance?



The Dysfunctional Dance

One rather consistent phenomenon in a borderline/non relationship is that neither partner clearly defines their personal boundaries.  Untreated borderlines tend to run over their partner's fences like a tank.  They project their feelings onto us and blame us when things go wrong.   Nonbps tend to give into the demands and needs of their borderline. We become enmeshed in their mental and emotional world: their beliefs, thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and expectations.  Given enough time, without a clear sense of who we are, we lose sight of which experiences belong to us and which ones are projected onto us by our borderlines.  

With weak boundaries, we become sponges who allow our bps to step inside our inner self, suck up our energy, and define our world for us.  We permit them to tell us what to do, when to do it, and who to do it with. With each passing day, our self esteem deteriorates, and our ability to defend ourselves decreases.  

Nons tend to be compassionate, giving, and sometimes needy people.  At some point in the relationship we might have recognized that our bps were in pain and out of control.  We were moved to give more of ourselves than was healthy. Or, we may have stepped in to take responsibility for their life. (Sometimes it's easier to deal with someone else's issues than it is to address our own.)  We either didn't know how (or were afraid) to set limits, or didn't know what our limits were.  So the dysfunctional dance began.

If we accept responsibility for our borderline and handle their duties and responsibilities, we are essentially handling "their stuff" rather than our own. Permitting someone else to make decisions for us suggests that we are letting them define our life for us.  If there isn't a clear boundary line between your stuff<----//---->my stuff, defenses (such as withdrawal, sidetracking, blame, rationalization, and black-white thinking) become handy ways for both parties to avoid self-awareness and growth.

What Are Boundaries?

You'll see the word  "boundaries" quite frequently here at bpdfamily.  Sometimes they'll be described in terms of  "your stuff<---//--->my stuff."  But what does that mean?  To me, it means the ability to recognize what is our responsibility (and what is truly within our power to control) and what isn't.  Boundaries are an essential ingredient to creating a healthy self . They define the relationship between you and everyone else around you.  

Healthy boundaries help us to create our own destiny. They ensure that we are taking responsibility for our lives; that we knowingly accept the consequences and/or reap the benefits of our choices. And they let us let others do the same for themselves.  

Tammy

I have recently realized that I have been a victim for far too long, enabling my mother and letting her into my inner critic and affecting how I feel about myself.  I have now known about this (uBPD mother) for approximately one month, and am working like crazy on taking responsibility for my own life - as I know that it such an important part of this whole process, but feel like this is taking time (and somehow my ruminations and self-talk are still very much victim stuff - which I am working on).  In other words - I feel empowered at times - but feel like a victim at other times... .

How long did it take for people to really move on from feeling like they were a "victim" at times?  Would you say that is part of the whole process and Survivor's Guide?

[Turkish]

I'd say that all relationships come back to boundaries, even healthy ones.

With a parent, we were never taught to be assertive, or advocate for ourselves. I lng-rltime member once said, "no one is coming to rescue us."

Really? 

Rescuing ourselves lies with us. 100%.

Reaching out for help is necessary and good; either here and/or in real life. Boundaries are what we control. Healing is also under our control. What we choose to do is entirely up to us, no matter how long it takes.

[HappyChappy]

“Victum mentality” is such a universal phrase, that it clearly has been a long running universal issues. So you’re right to pick up on this, we don’t want to be falling into that trap. Also I know I’m technically “a rescuer” and I have to say, I never tried to rescue anyone that didn't want to do as much as they could for themselves, and this rule ensured I avoided BPD/PD people. So thank goodness for that rule. Now I also use boundaries. Happy days.

[khibomsis]

Sorry, anon72, I want to be more positive but the truth is I don't know, My uBPD mom is 78, I'm 53, and she's still victimizing me. Not in the sense that she is as abusive as she was, in fact she is politer than she has ever been, due no doubt to my gradual growing up. She still doesn;t remember my name but has stopped calling me other people;s names and even occasionally asks how my spouse is.  But she is still what she is and that chains me. I get quite depressed about it, just spent a few weeks on the 'detaching'board to daydream about divorcing my FOO. But one can't, age and debility of the parents and youth of the children means I feel stuck... The recent diagnosis of my niece with BPD did not just put an end to my comfortable LC but  brought home to me that my other idea of simply outliving mom is not going to work. Now I find myself confronting my mother in my niece whom I am unlikely to outlive.  Make no mistake, I love these people. I have been through the hatred, the grief, the anger and have accepted that a disease is just that, a disease. There is never going to be a confrontation, a resolution or any form of closure. It is just going to drag on in the same horrible patterns which sicken me in their familiarity. No doubt my mom has loved me as much as she is able, and I would willingly forgive her everything else including 'infecting' my niece (who grew up with her), not only for her, but for me. I don't want to carry anymore than I have to. But boundaries? Here's the one I want to set: I'm 53, don;t have many years left to tick my bucket list and would like a few years to have a life. That is my own. Reality:" I can't fix you people but you are going to keep on leaning on me for support. And I am going to exhaust myself trying to live my life in the interstices of your dysfunction." Am trying to make my peace with that.  

[unicorn2014]

For me it moves in cycles. Currently I am feeling victimized by my dad because I'm having to interact with him because of a legal matter. He's pushing all my buttons in all the right places to get a very bad reaction out of me. Currently I'm feeling very bad about myself and that coupled with my ongoing and almost unmanageable problems with my partner means Unicorn is feeling a bit depressed right now. (Oh yes, add problems in with my ex to that)

So, my insight on that is despite the fact that I have 3 12 step programs and had 8+ years of therapy, is that these things are like a disease, and sometimes its in remission and sometimes a new outbreak is triggered.

There's nothing wrong with reviewing material when you're feeling triggered, I think it helps.