How do you deal with the fear?

[awedmole]

What helps you cope with the fear of confrontation? I've read the lessons and know the gist of why they happen but I'm deathly afraid of confrontations in general and knowing just how good she is at finding exactly the things that hurt the most has me afraid all day and night of her calls, even though most are nice and harmless.

The fact that I'm too afraid to not pick up the phone says it all really. I can't hang up because I'm too scared. I validate, I try saying nothing... .nothing works. And after yelling at me for ages she always has me sweet talk to her and tries to have phone sex. She's fine after the confrontations within minutes and I'm still messed up from one we had on Friday.

Do you have any practical tips to get stronger? I'm falling apart, I'm so stressed it's started to manifest in physical symptoms. It's a long distance relationship, it'd be quite easy to go NC and it'd solve like 85% of the problems in my life but I just can't do that.

I'd appreciate any tips, thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I know how the physical fear of dealing with the constant conflict can affect someone. I would say that the first thing you could do is set some boundaries for yourself. Even though it's scary, your SO is not near you, so she cannot physically hurt you. While she is yelling, remind yourself that you deserve to be treated well, calmly tell her that you will talk to her once she has calmed down, then hang up the phone. If you will stick with it, she will hopefully, eventually stop. You will have to maintain that every single time she yells though.

Secondly, start reading the lessons on the right hand side. These lessons will help you understand you and what you have contributed to the dysfunction between you and your SO. Before you can make anyting better, you must stop making it worse.

[Icthelight]

I feel your pain, I can relate. I too do not like confrontations, they make me really, really uncomfortable. I realized that avoiding conflict was a part of me long before my wife came along. Imagine how frustrated I made my wife when she wanted to talk about or address something that was uncomfortable to me and all I wanted to do was avoid the subject. I usually thought, if I ignore or avoid the topic, it will go away. Conflict with a person with BPD feels 10 times worse to me.

I decided I need to address this part of me so I began seeing a therapist. The test I took revealed that, yup, I have what he called "avoidant personality" and some co-dependent tendencies. Great, so now what? The therapist said he could help me improve in this area so we're focusing on this. I now see that my mother was an avoider and tried to keep the peace with my uBPD aunt, who we lived with. Looking back, things are starting to make more sense to me. I've heard the saying so many times, "it goes back to your childhood." In my case, I believe this is true.

If you have the means, I recommend you begin seeing a therapist. Work on yourself, improve yourself, you are worth it. By improving yourself, understanding why you feel the way you do, you will not only improve your current relationship, but all of your relationships. For me, it's still early in the game, but the more I read, learn and write (like I am right now), the more enlightened and confident I feel. This healthy confidence is beginning to help me set healthy boundaries that I'm actually enforcing.

Hang in there, there is a better way to deal with these confrontations. Rooting for you Awedmole.

[babyducks]

Start small.    Interrupt a conversation that hasn't yet reached red hot proportions.    Script your exit lines if that makes you feel more confident.    Set a limit about the length of time you want to stay on the phone.    Baby steps.

[unicorn2014]

I'm also in a LDR. How often do you see her? What are your plans for the future? How long have you known each other? I'm sorry , I don't know your story. What about how you met? Only answer if you feel comfortable.

[flourdust]

I get this, too. From the "grass is always greener" department, I wish that I was in an LDR, so I could exit/avoid these conflicts with the touch of a button. In person, it's even worse, as my wife can scream at me, follow me, block me from exiting a room, and so on. And all these things have happened.

What I've learned in enforcing boundaries is that I try to set boundaries that feel 'fair.'

It's fair to allow your partner to communicate with you about their grievances.

It's not fair for that communication to become abusive.

It's not fair for that communication to repeat over and over again without any change.

It's fair to limit that kind of communication if it is corroding your relationship.

I have learned to be my own moral compass. My wife isn't going to agree with my definitions of what's fair or not.

[maxsterling]

I don't like confrontation with anyone, let alone my BPD wife.  Part of that is fear because confrontation is uncomfortable for me, but part of it is that I also view confrontation as pointless and a waste of time.  I am quite capable of taking care of myself and actually enjoy it, so I often weigh whether it is worth it to confront an issue or just let it go and go about things another way.

I'm terrified of confrontation with my wife, but I think there is some kind of PTSD component to that because confrontations with her have resulted in violence and suicide attempts.  Confrontation with her is much more than just feeling uncomfortable.

I admit, I am not good at dealing with the fear, but I use are these coping mechanisms:

-  Really think about what the issue is about.

-  Evaluate whether the issue is even worth discussing.

-  Think of ways to communicate the issue or times in which it will be easier.

-  Remind myself over and over that I am strong enough to handle whatever results.

-  Remind myself over and over that going through things over and over in my head is unbearable, and that confronting it will bring about a conclusion.

-  Remind myself that my feelings and opinions matter, and that I am not doing anything wrong by expressing them

-  Review my boundaries and safety plan beforehand.

-  Remember that I have no control over her emotions or decisions.  If she chooses to end the relationship because of a boundary I enforced, there is nothing I can do about that.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Another avoidant point of view here. I am really bad at confrontation, so when my wife first started in with the abusive talk I fell for it. I loved her and felt that we were partners so that I didn't see any reason why she could be wrong. The thing of it is, she was wrong and all that BS she spewed was just that, BS.

The first thing you have to do is learn how to mentally step back in the heat of the moment. My first realization was that when she began to say hateful things that she was simply reflecting how she felt about herself. If I could remember just that when she started going off it would give me enough space to back off and be able to think a little. This took practice, it took several episodes before I could start feeling my own emotional response (anger) instead of the one she was trying to program into me (fear).

It was only after I got fairly good at not buying in to her fear that I felt I was able to confront her and tell her that her behavior was unacceptable.