How long have you been in NC when they contacted you again?

[steve195915]

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything she took everything she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

At least you got an email.  With me her typical way was via an unexpected text message "I'm done with the relationship, goodbye, thanks".  And the previous contact with her ended with her saying "I love you with all my heart and soul".   Insane or what?

I hear you Steve. It just kills me that they can just walk away like nothing. Mine told me on the phone when I called her after I reiceved her break up email. I said I thought you loved me? Her response Ina very shaky voice No I don't love you romantically. I love you as a friend and don't even know why I sai that to you in the first place. Her voice was so shaky . Then she started to ramble on about her future relationships etc. I just said I'm done and hung up on her. Have not spoken since. Just threw PM or email.

After her last goodbye text, she contacted me 3 days later.  I was determined to be done though.  We met and talked, she claimed she loves me but was tired of everything, I said thats fine and I understand her to be saying it's over, so I will move on.  Guess my response surprised her as she changed her tone and replied,  'I never said it was over'.  So the talk ended with no resolution which was good for me because I can see things more clearly and have no thoughts or dreams of a future with this woman, those died with the last goodbye text.

We still have alot of contact (2 weeks now) and will continue as long as it's overall a positive experience as we do seem to have fun when she's at her best behavior.  Funny thing is twice during the last two weeks she texted me negative things and said goodbye but both times I completely ignored it.  I called or texted as usual later and she was perfectly normal like she never texted the goodbye and it was never discussed.  Very bizarre behavior, it's like she has split personalities.  So every day that goes by I feel my resolve to never be in a permanent relationship with this woman grow stronger and stronger. 

[Confused108]

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything she took everything she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

At least you got an email.  With me her typical way was via an unexpected text message "I'm done with the relationship, goodbye, thanks".  And the previous contact with her ended with her saying "I love you with all my heart and soul".   Insane or what?

I hear you Steve. It just kills me that they can just walk away like nothing. Mine told me on the phone when I called her after I reiceved her break up email. I said I thought you loved me? Her response Ina very shaky voice No I don't love you romantically. I love you as a friend and don't even know why I sai that to you in the first place. Her voice was so shaky . Then she started to ramble on about her future relationships etc. I just said I'm done and hung up on her. Have not spoken since. Just threw PM or email.

After her last goodbye text, she contacted me 3 days later.  I was determined to be done though.  We met and talked, she claimed she loves me but was tired of everything, I said thats fine and I understand her to be saying it's over, so I will move on.  Guess my response surprised her as she changed her tone and replied,  'I never said it was over'.  So the talk ended with no resolution which was good for me because I can see things more clearly and have no thoughts or dreams of a future with this woman, those died with the last goodbye text.

We still have alot of contact (2 weeks now) and will continue as long as it's overall a positive experience as we do seem to have fun when she's at her best behavior.  Funny thing is twice during the last two weeks she texted me negative things and said goodbye but both times I completely ignored it.  I called or texted as usual later and she was perfectly normal like she never texted the goodbye and it was never discussed.  Very bizarre behavior, it's like she has split personalities.  So every day that goes by I feel my resolve to never be in a permanent relationship with this woman grow stronger and stronger. 

Steve it's funny you say she seems like she has some "split personality". I felt the same way with my ex. I had always thought I was at times dealing with 2 diffrent people. The woman who loved me and wanted this relationship and then the bad one. I know she would constantly give me mixed singnals . First we were lovers , then we have to see if we are compatible to friends maybe more to I can't do this. Then after she eneded this with me I sent her emails and she was oh we are friends etc and sign xoxo . 

[Joem678]

Confused,

I, too, deal with two different personalities with my wife.  I've seen the "nasty" one only a few times.  That's when she is doing what she is not suppose too.  It feels as if the ugly a personality is stuck in time.  Because of what she brings up, it is from when she was 19-21 years of age.  This might sound funny or maybe you can relate.  I'm dealing with this young personality.  My wife is 37. 

Confused too.

[steve195915]

Confused,

I, too, deal with two different personalities with my wife.  I've seen the "nasty" one only a few times.  That's when she is doing what she is not suppose too.  It feels as if the ugly a personality is stuck in time.  Because of what she brings up, it is from when she was 19-21 years of age.  This might sound funny or maybe you can relate.  I'm dealing with this young personality.  My wife is 37. 

Confused too.

Maybe thats it!  They have multiple personalities or voices in their heads.  That would certainly explain the completely irrationale behaviors.  Like how can one day they love you with all their heart and soul and show it in actions, then the next day can say "goodbye" and have no remorse or pain, act so cold and throw out any thoughts of what you thought was a very strong connection and then date another like you had nothing together. 

Also there were many times my BPDex would completely deny she said or did something when confronted about it later and even if I showed evidence she would still deny it or just say she won't discuss it.  Maybe she really did have no memory of it as that was her other personality.  Hmmm. 

A normal person's feelings are much more consistent, love doesn't change overnight with no apparent reason, it may dissipate over time or be replaced with extreme anger upon a tramautic experience like cheating. 

[Confused108]

Joe/Steve I had found something and it was listed under BPD. It was under the dissociative behaviors. They spoke about a selective amnesia and sort of a "spilt personality". If I can find the article I will post it here. I feel that with the "split" it's almost a defense mechanism they have. This "spilt" personality comes out when they feel threatened. My ex was a very very normal girl when I meet her at 12 years old. We didn't become involved with eachother until we were 14. We were friends first. When my Mom foun ou she "threatend " my ex. After that she became  this "other person" whom I didn't recognize. After months of trying to get her back and she started push/pull with me. When I had seen her again with some mutual friends of ours she did nothing but stare at me . I asked if we could be friends and she said no . After thi I learned she went into a mental hospital because of "losing me" our mutual friends had said. She at this time was diagnosed Bipolar . This was 1988. Then coming back into my life this June and pulling all this crap on me again. I've though Reserch and the way she acted has come up with she was misdiagnosed Bipolar and really has BPD. It is in a way very sad that these individuals don't see the problem and are throwing away good people who love them with all their heart. Very sad indeed.

[Confused108]

Joe my ex would occasionally talk in a baby voice that was utterly annoying. She is now 42 and I guess I could say she acts her age except when she did that talk.

[Joem678]

Confused,

I met my wife when we were in high school  (17 years of age).  I did stop talking to her, at one point back then and she went hysterical.  She was in an out of the counselors office because I had stopped being her friend.  Mind you the most we did was kiss and hold hands.  This innocent relationship only lasted for 2 months.  It was what you would consider puppy love.  I did listen to her problems throughout the 2 months.

Her mom neglected her and her sister while growing up.  I can tell you, that when she is under this alternate personality all I get is slammed with horrible and horrible feedback about how horrible person I am to her?  But... .Its all from 1997-2000.  I hardly remember what she brings up.  :)uring this time, she idealizes her mom, which her mom welcomes energetically.  She left, and moved in with her mom this summer.  I've never seen the "little child" which I have read about. But, now her text messages to me are surprisingly 'immature'.  I mean, from the content to the grammar itself.  My kids have seen this "young" child.   They tell me how she behaves.  She instigated a fight with my 16 year old and he was freaked.  He told me, in a freaked out tone, "Mom was acting like a little girl dad".  It's alarming.

[Confused108]

i had read about this "baby talk" or acting in child likes ways regarding BPD. Man there is so much info on the internet about it. The more and more I read the more and more I saw my ex. She also told me stories now as adults of how her Mom just threw her there as a teen. She is Indian and she came here to the US at 12 . I had meet her family and nothing at that time seemed ou of place. But now if you ask her about her family it's just a hatred . She claim they tried to "control" her etc. but to be honest some BPDs are very good liars also. And to be honest I don't now belive a word that comes outta her mouth. She is divorced and told me et ex was heavy into porno and cheated on her. Then she told me her ex boyfriend she meet after her ex hubby had raped her after they broke up. But who does she circle around and try to recycle now that I know about BPD ? Her ex Husband an boyfriend. Crazy man! I don't ever see her like I've mentioned before ever try and recycle me. And if she did I now am aware of what she is.

[steve195915]

Joe/Steve I had found something and it was listed under BPD. It was under the dissociative behaviors. They spoke about a selective amnesia and sort of a "spilt personality". If I can find the article I will post it here. I feel that with the "split" it's almost a defense mechanism they have. This "spilt" personality comes out when they feel threatened. My ex was a very very normal girl when I meet her at 12 years old. We didn't become involved with eachother until we were 14. We were friends first. When my Mom foun ou she "threatend " my ex. After that she became  this "other person" whom I didn't recognize. After months of trying to get her back and she started push/pull with me. When I had seen her again with some mutual friends of ours she did nothing but stare at me . I asked if we could be friends and she said no . After thi I learned she went into a mental hospital because of "losing me" our mutual friends had said. She at this time was diagnosed Bipolar . This was 1988. Then coming back into my life this June and pulling all this crap on me again. I've though Reserch and the way she acted has come up with she was misdiagnosed Bipolar and really has BPD. It is in a way very sad that these individuals don't see the problem and are throwing away good people who love them with all their heart. Very sad indeed.

Selective amnesia and sort of split personality fits perfectly. 

My BPDex called me tonight and wants to go out to eat or a drink tomorrow after work.  It was the sweet personality tonight and hopefully tomorrow if we do meet.  Tonight I just listened to her vent about all these evil people she has to work with, she had a big fight with one of them.  Her boss (owner of the company) asked them to hug and make up and she said F You  to the boss.  Fortunately her boss is on her side so far so she didn't get fired but it will eventually come to that.  She's also saying if they fire her she will sue them.  Yes so sad she has to live that way and not be able to have healthy relationships or handle situations.  Thank God she's not my responsibility. 

I'll be watching her tomorrow to see if multiple personalities come out.  I noticed in the past that her whole face changes when she's about to blow up so maybe thats the other personality. 

[Joem678]

Oh my Steve... .  I can see a change in my wife's face as well.  Troubling.

[Confused108]

Yes ! When my ex would "change" and I could tell the bad version was coming out her voice would be a lot diffrent. See guys here's the thing my ex now lives in Canada and I'm in NY here she used to live. She moved there when she married her ex hubby whom he now says they are back in the process of "getting back together" . I doubt that bc she just divorced him this year . But with her who knows. We all do know whoever they all have replacements after they dump us so anything is possible. Anyway I didn't see my ex bc she was supposed to come and meet me in the fall and then decided out of no where we were not compatible. And all of a sudden the woman who"loved me soo much" didn't overnight. Anyway I noticed on the phone her voice would start to "change" . Then this "other" person would evolve. That "personality" would be the one who would push/pull with me always. Just look up BPD disassocative symptoms. It's crazy! 

[C.Stein]

She destroyed our relationship to the point where even as messed up as she is, I don't think she would ever crawl back to me.

I have the feeling my ex is the same.  If she can be honest with herself the shame and guilt for what she did will bring her to her knees.  Coming back would require her to admit fault and this is something I highly doubt will ever happen.

[JSF13]

Oh my Steve... .  I can see a change in my wife's face as well.  Troubling.

I as well can physically see the changes when they happen. I tried to tell the doctors in the hospital the second time she was in but her father insisted it was just her PTSD... .

[Joem678]

Yes there is a definite change.  For years I thought I was just in denial.  But when my oldest son told me "there's something off about mom" and then proceeded to describe the same physical features... .Well I got chills.

[Should I stay or...]

Hi All,

I appreciate all of your replies but we seem to have gotten off topic... .as we are now in the holiday season; ex's may have already reached out. Mine hasn't.

How long have you been in NC and they contacted you once again... .?

[Joem678]

Not really off topic.  You see, in my experience holidays, our kids bdays, anniversaries, etc mean nothing to my BPDw.  It is more of a phase/cycle/phase for her. I feel thet in my case NC has no significance to her if she is deep into her crisis.  NC has only helped stabilize my emotions.  I feel a lot better.  Yesterday, being in the same room with my BPDw, confirmed to me that she is still deep.  Only because of her behavior towards her kids. 

So, there really is no timeline. I feel there are only patterns.  In my case, NC is only prolonging the process.  I'm not sure if it's because I've been with her 19 years and/or 4 kids but in counseling I was prepped for her return.

[knowledgeseeker]

2 1/2 weeks, only because I tried to serve him with papers... .otherwise it probably would be going on still. I'm in week 6 now of my no contact policy I implemented the day I decided I was done.

[hopealways]

Not really off topic.  You see, in my experience holidays, our kids bdays, anniversaries, etc mean nothing to my BPDw.  It is more of a phase/cycle/phase for her. I feel thet in my case NC has no significance to her if she is deep into her crisis.  NC has only helped stabilize my emotions.  I feel a lot better.  Yesterday, being in the same room with my BPDw, confirmed to me that she is still deep.  Only because of her behavior towards her kids.  

So, there really is no timeline. I feel there are only patterns.  In my case, NC is only prolonging the process.  I'm not sure if it's because I've been with her 19 years and/or 4 kids but in counseling I was prepped for her return.

This is absolutely true.  It is a cycle for them.  If they know you are available and they are ending one relationship they WILL return if they believe their needs will be meet (whatever the needs may be: emotional/financial etc it is never about you).

[knowledgeseeker]

Flyfish, mind explaining how those breakups happened? Were any "final words" spoken?

@Burritoman

There are no final words spoken... .there is no resolution... .at least not in my situation. The final words and resolution for me came from me filing for divorce. My stbx did push/pull, ST and then when I said I wanted out would teeter back and fourth between putting me on a pedestal to wanting to make it work to saying he can't give me what I need physically and emotionally, back to ST, then push/pull again for three months.

There is no resolution or final words with this illness. You just have to accept the role you played in the relationship, learn from it, acknowledge what you don't want in the next relationship and be on the look out for the red flags, and realize that its not you its them. They don't process the same way we do. They can't deal with there core issues, but you can and you will be a healthier individual moving forward. That's my opinion for what its worth for anyone struggle to understand why... .there is no answer, you will only drive your self crazy ruminating on the why... .been there done that.