BPD Fiance passed away. Possible TW.

[Lostit]

I've lurked around here for years, reading everything I could get my eyes on, learning as much as I could, as fast as I could. 

Learning how a pwBPD thinks and acts (or reacts might be a better way to put it?) is much like learning a new language.  This language has its very own syntax.  Whereas many languages have their roots in Latin, BPD and other Axis 1 "disorders" are borne of specific genetic characteristics that will either be switched on or off depending on certain circumstances in a person's life.

I wasn't able to learn his language fast enough.

He died almost eight months ago, to date.  We had been together for just over four years.  At first I couldn't understand the vengeful verbiage spewed my way.  I took it personally and was devastated by it.  I couldn't understand the fear and shame that I felt coming off him in cataclysmic waves at times.  The "black" times were the worst, and while I loved the "white" times, I began to to understand the shifting of the pendulum.  Like I said earlier, I've lurked here for years, reading what has worked for some, what hasn't for others... .what it is that those with BPD are thinking and feeling so that I could better understand his internal chaos.  I joined support groups and therapy to help myself stay as balanced as possible and to help me understand my role and "un-healed wounds" in our relationship.

Mind you, I'm no saint.  Far from it, there were times when I let him push my buttons and GOD did I relish it!  The release of anger and frustration and the opportunity to spew back some of the hate which was thrown at me year after year felt exhilarating!  I will not lie.  And in those moments of blinding fury, the seed of self-contempt would sprout forth and grow until such a time I calmed down and, with clarity, was ashamed of my reaction to his provocations. 

We are all only human.

My SO self-medicated his constant pain and self-loathing with benzodiazapines, opiates, and alcohol.  It wasn't a constant numbing, but when everything became too much, instead of reaching out, or talking, or trying to understand what was going on inside, he chose inebriation.  Sometimes he would go a couple of months without choosing that form of self-punishment, sometimes it was only a couple of days.  When he chose to walk that path though, he wasn't allowed in the house as he would become not only verbally and emotionally abusive but very physically violent.  Boundaries with someone with BPD are a tricky road, because much like hackers/crackers will test every option to get at protected or encrypted information, those lacking boundaries will attempt every angle and spin to get around people's boundaries.

In January of this year, we had a disagreement and I asked him to leave me alone for a couple minutes.  I needed some time and some space so that I could come back in a calm frame of mind and address the issue we had.  He took this as I didn't love him; he felt I had abandoned him.  He walked to the liquor store and then called one of the local IV addict prostitutes in the area and cheated.  When I hadn't heard from him, I went looking for him and found him and her, together.  It destroyed me.  There are no words, even still, for the complete destruction of my soul.  The worst part of that moment was the look in her eye when she saw me, I will never understand those who relish inflicting pain on other people.

That was the beginning of the end.  At first he attempted lying and denial in the face of insurmountable evidence.  His shame drove him to a three month bender.  In March, he sobered up for a couple of weeks and reached out to me.  He laid it all bare and was completely honest; yes, with me, but more importantly, with himself.  It was clear he hated himself for the destruction he was causing, to his family, to his sons, and to me.

A couple of days later he showed up at the house, it was clear he was in a bad way... .normally I would have reinforced my boundary of not allowing him in the house, but something was different.  This time I was worried.  I tried to sober him up.  But his shame was so strong and he was intoxicated and I was "black".  He chose to leave that afternoon and I never saw him again.

I eventually found him curled up in someone's basement.  Apparently he left our home, went to this person's place and died.

Shame killed him.  Though I blame myself.  Completely and utterly.

I'm hoping this form of expiation will offer some semblance of solace to my soul and psyche which have become undone.  I also hope that if others read this, they can learn something about themselves or other people in their life.

I will always love him.

[thisworld]

Dear Lostit,

Please accept my deepest condolences. 

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. My boyfriend with whom I had a brief relationship had BPD traits and was untreated. During our relationship, he also was actively using benzodiazepines and intravenous opiates (heroin). This is what he did from early youth years onward. We were not together for a long time, it became impossible, but I am familiar with his story as a talented person who searched and searched for happiness but always fell in the throes of addiction. We gave it a try, he went into rehab. one more time so that we could have a relationship but went back to using irregularly. BPD triggered using, using triggered BPD and in the end, he was a violent person. Before our relationship truly ended, he left me and overdosed twice almost consequently. I too looked for him, couldn't find him. I waited for the police to call, then was called from a hospital. I know the torment you went through and you are a very courageous person. My boyfriend is in a difficult place with his BPD now and is malignant and vengeful towards me. I'm torn between protecting myself from him and feeling sad, so sad that I cannot speak to him one more time, telling him that I now understand him better. I cannot do the second, and I'm just wishing that he is alive one day when I can safely talk to him. Their addiction makes us grieve in different ways, sometimes even when they are alive. Please be good to yourself in this difficult process. I hope the support you are receiving has put you in contact with other friends and families of addicts, their love and acceptance is miraculous. I'm not a person of faith myself but 12 step groups have always provided serenity for me  and maybe they would be of help at this difficult time. 

Please do not think for a second that you weren't able to learn his language fast enough. It evolves and evolves and addiction makes it difficult for the person with BPD to understand his own language, too. If someone is near opiates, whatever the method, this could happen with our without your fights or his BPD.  . 

When a loved one dies of addiction, we grieve in a particular way. There is always more shame and guilt. Please know that you were probably not a saint, but if this was to happen, it would happen even if you were a saint. And he didn't want a saint, he wanted you and in so many ways, you gave him more acceptance and love than the rest of the world. If he was in recovery and complained about your reactions in his group, everybody would tell him to take responsibility for himself, blame addiction and recover. You know this, don't you?

Yes, we have many faults in these relationships, we could have done certain things differently. That's the same in every relationship. It's not our behaviours that drove them to what happened, addiction did. My boyfriend's mother, to whose life he introduced a lot of violence, once said that sometimes she was relieved to find him under the influence so she would get a bit of relief. It's not easy for a mother to think this, to admit this. I believe there is a huge guilt under statement. But yes, addicts and their families go through these together, and yes, we are humans and we have feelings. Please allow yourself to experience all your negative feelings and reach a place of acceptance. 

My boyfriend threatened to commit suicide a lot. Sometimes, he would look at me with a frightening smile after saying this. After the overdoses, the called them parasuicides that went wrong. He was desensitized toward them and wanted to carry on with fighting as soon as he went out to the hospital garden. When BPD and addiction create this web, there is only so much a loved one can do.

I believe your fiance was very lucky to have met the good person you are.

I wish you peace and serenity in your healing.

And may he rest in peace. 

[Mutt]

Lostit,

I'm sorry for your loss. It's not uncommon for a person with BPD ( pwBPD ) struggles with alcohol and substance abuse. The alcohol and substance abuse is most often addressed before addressing the disorder.

We are all only human.

I agree. The disorder is not your fault.

[Fr4nz]

... .and I would add, not only we are humans when we have to face this disorder, we are also human when we overreact/get angry/etc. in front of their chaotic and illogical behaviours... .

Don't blame yourself, none of what happened is your fault. You did your best lostit, it's clear from what you wrote.

A big hug.

[hashtag_loyal]

Shame killed him.  Though I blame myself.  Completely and utterly.

Please don't blame yourself. As tragic as it sounds, when somebody is so trapped in such a level of self-hatred, there is nothing you or anyone else could've done to save him.

I'm hoping this form of expiation will offer some semblance of solace to my soul and psyche which have become undone.  I also hope that if others read this, they can learn something about themselves or other people in their life.

Thank you for sharing this. Your story has touched me deeply.

I feel too often people on here (and I was guilty of this myself when I first arrived) over-generalize pwBPD and focus too much on our own pain, without realizing just how fragile emotionally sensitive people can be, and how those who are seriously disordered may just be hanging on by a thread (even if they hide it so well.)