Advice & help for codependency issues

[donnab]

Hi I've had a further realisation that I'm so codependent with my BPDd22 and am struggling with the need to distance myself from her a little to get well again.

She is 22 (just turned a few days ago). The onset of her illness was I would say around 12/13 at the onset of puberty, however she didn't receive a diagnosis until 18 months ago following us taking custody of her (now 2 1/2 yr old) daughter. She still will not engage in any therapy and lurches from one crisis to the next. She has now left her violent boyfriend and lives in another town some distance away in a woman's refuge.

After a very difficult December period leading up to Christmas she hasn't been to visit her dd since 4th December, I was reviewing the contact list I keep and depressingly I can see out of the past 12 available times to visit (over a 2 month period) she has turned up 4 times, including Christmas Day & Boxing Day.

I'm struggling very much with being obsessed with her, thinking about her, feeling abused by her, worried about her life and what she's feeling.

How on earth do I detach myself from someone who is so vulnerable? I feel like I have to for my own sanity but the guilt I feel about this and the worry of what will become of her is overwhelming. I really need some advice as to go forward because I really cannot carry on like this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoSoSoTired]

This very useful book might help you begin to end codependence with your daughter.

www.amazon.com/When-Hope-Not-Enough-Dobbs/dp/1435719190

[SoSoSoTired]

Another useful book: 

www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890/ref=cm_cr_pr_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8