Is it weird that I'm really feeling good after calling it quits?

[Michelle27]

The past few years have been so anxiety filled and constantly wondering if I should end things or stay.  I believe now that I grieved the loss of the relationship while working through this both with and without a therapist.  We've been separated for 4 months with the possibility of reconciliation when I decided I can no longer live like that and ended it.  Since making that decision, my life just simply feels joyous, hopeful and without anxiety whatsoever.  Reading about others' feelings after ending things, this seems so odd to me.  I'm guessing it's because I already felt like I've grieved the relationship while I struggled with making a decision.  I have absolutely no interest in any contact (apart from necessary contact related to our child) and have already worked through anger and resentments with my therapist.  I feel good.  Free of stress and happy for the first time in years.  Is this weird?

[borderdude]

Usually we got hooked or addicted on the all the drama and manipulation. It might arrive a period of anxiety, spades , whatever, just the stuff you naturally get after ending an addiction. If you are developed you distinguish that from love.

[anxiety5]

The past few years have been so anxiety filled and constantly wondering if I should end things or stay.  I believe now that I grieved the loss of the relationship while working through this both with and without a therapist.  We've been separated for 4 months with the possibility of reconciliation when I decided I can no longer live like that and ended it.  Since making that decision, my life just simply feels joyous, hopeful and without anxiety whatsoever.  Reading about others' feelings after ending things, this seems so odd to me.  I'm guessing it's because I already felt like I've grieved the relationship while I struggled with making a decision.  I have absolutely no interest in any contact (apart from necessary contact related to our child) and have already worked through anger and resentments with my therapist.  I feel good.  Free of stress and happy for the first time in years.  Is this weird?

Good for you! 4 months, sounds like you are making good progress. I was going to say, be careful. I felt that same initial relief and joy but the sadness came later. Just make sure you don't move on to a new relationship yet. Keep doing work on you. In fact don't even seek relationships let them seek you. THAT is the ultimate testament to you being healthy emotionally. Prepare for the recycle attempt. You should like you are doing everything you can and thriving I'm just trying to point out some of my own blind spots. They have a really incredible way of pulling at your heart out of nowhere at some point down the line. I would just suggest taking quiet time to yourself, like right before bed and picture that scenario playing out so that you have a firm handle on how to expect it when it arises. If you think back to our relationship with them, they infiltrated us in large part because of their unpredictable habits and intermittent good and bad cycles. It left us on edge. Don't let that same element of surprise sabotage your moving forward. It's less likely to do so if you think about exactly how that situation would play out and what you would say to them if they surprised you out of nowhere and were all teary eyed etc.  If you are stoic and offer them zero window on their recycle attempt they will vanish forever.

[Loosestrife]

I think the constant conflict between head and heart for me has been the most difficult part. The third party is my gut which is always upset when there's a conflict between head and heart. My gut has always served me well in life, but it has felt unsettled for sometime and almost got used to being in this unsettled state (stress/anxiety becoming the norm) - this is when things start to effect my physical health. I think in the right relationship it feels right and your gut feels calm most of the time. If it's anything other than calm for any prolonged period of time then thats when your body is telling you it's not a healthy relationship for you and you need to move on. We all know that this is not so straight forward in practice.  It sounds like you made the right decision and your gut is settling down now and feels more calm. I think this is wonderful and healthy and its normal to feel good about you. It doesn't mean you don't feel bad or care about your h, it just means it great to feel good about you!    I know  this will happen for me in time. You have been an amazing support to me and many others on this board. Thank you for being you  

[anxiety5]

I think the constant conflict between head and heart for me has been the most difficult part. The third party is my gut which is always upset when there's a conflict between head and heart. My gut has always served me well in life, but it has felt unsettled for sometime and almost got used to being in this unsettled state (stress/anxiety becoming the norm) - this is when things start to effect my physical health. I think in the right relationship it feels right and your gut feels calm most of the time. If it's anything other than calm for any prolonged period of time then thats when your body is telling you it's not a healthy relationship for you and you need to move on. We all know that this is not so straight forward in practice.  It sounds like you made the right decision and your gut is settling down now and feels more calm. I think this is wonderful and healthy and its normal to feel good about you. It doesn't mean you don't feel bad or care about your h, it just means it great to feel good about you!    I know  this will happen for me in time. You have been an amazing support to me and many others on this board. Thank you for being you  

Agreed. Unhealthy is sometimes ambiguous statement to those of us who clearly and often times just realizing we don't have a proper frame of reference for what healthy even means.

For me, my personal translation came down to this: You cheated. You lied, deceived and betrayed. I don't trust you. I have tried exorbitant amounts of ways to discuss these things with you in an effort to feel validated and to help rebuild trust. You shut me down no matter how I approach it. Therefore I don't trust you and there is now pathway to build it back.

Game Over. 

[Michelle27]

Thank you, everyone.  Loosestrife, you've been a great support to me too in talking things out in PM. 

I'm glad it's not too weird to feel so positive right now.  I think I had so many years of struggle and indecision that finally making the decision to end it permanently was they key to getting to this place.  I couldn't be happier with my life at this moment and that feels good.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I found this statement interesting because my T asked me what kept me in the relationship with uBPDexw that was plain abusive (mentally and physically). I had no answer for him or myself. How can it be addictive if I hated it so much? Could it have been a subtle but deliberate act of programming (brainwashing) that made us hooked on it?

Usually we got hooked or addicted on the all the drama and manipulation. It might arrive a period of anxiety, spades , whatever, just the stuff you naturally get after ending an addiction. If you are developed you distinguish that from love.

[Michelle27]

I found this statement interesting because my T asked me what kept me in the relationship with uBPDexw that was plain abusive (mentally and physically). I had no answer for him or myself. How can it be addictive if I hated it so much? Could it have been a subtle but deliberate act of programming (brainwashing) that made us hooked on it?

Usually we got hooked or addicted on the all the drama and manipulation. It might arrive a period of anxiety, spades , whatever, just the stuff you naturally get after ending an addiction. If you are developed you distinguish that from love.

I have worked through with a therapist for 6 months a bunch of stuff, and in part, this.  I realized my anger and resentments towards my H were misplaced... .I was more angry at myself for tolerating this abuse.  I'm an intelligent woman with 2 degrees and a professional career and I hated that I acted like such a victim in this marriage (and my first marriage which was also abusive but without mental illness).  I realized that my self confidence and belief in my self worth outside of my career was always extremely low and that's why I let myself get treated so badly.  I've worked through it and now have a better sense of my worth as my own person and the respect I deserve.  It hasn't been an easy journey but it's been enlightening. 

I do think it's the interspersed amazingly good times when they mirror what we appear to want that also keeps us in these relationships for much longer than we should be.  Mine was no different than everything else I've read here... .how amazing it was at the beginning.  We all want things to return to that and think they can.

[rotiroti]

Wow Michelle27, it felt SO good to read your post. I think I had that feeling of a new lease on life 2 times since the break up. The moment I drove away from the house was scary and liberating, and now a month later the grief is being slowly replaced with a new zeal for life.

It feels so good to be reconnected with life again, but I find myself slipping back to square 1 time to time.

I was more angry at myself for tolerating this abuse.

What a powerful insight. One of the big breakthroughs for me was recognizing this, that we give the pwBPD power to hurt us. We have the choice to walk away while they do not.

I do think it's the interspersed amazingly good times when they mirror what we appear to want that also keeps us in these relationships for much longer than we should be.  Mine was no different than everything else I've read here... .how amazing it was at the beginning.  We all want things to return to that and think they can.

This so much. This was the reason I stuck around! I never knew when the good moments would return. When they did oh man were the things good!

I also realized that this is exactly what people in abusive relationships say.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for the reply. You are right about hoping for the good times to come back. It took me a while to accept that it was not sustainable in the long run.

[anxiety5]

The past few years have been so anxiety filled and constantly wondering if I should end things or stay.  I believe now that I grieved the loss of the relationship while working through this both with and without a therapist.  We've been separated for 4 months with the possibility of reconciliation when I decided I can no longer live like that and ended it.  Since making that decision, my life just simply feels joyous, hopeful and without anxiety whatsoever.  Reading about others' feelings after ending things, this seems so odd to me.  I'm guessing it's because I already felt like I've grieved the relationship while I struggled with making a decision.  I have absolutely no interest in any contact (apart from necessary contact related to our child) and have already worked through anger and resentments with my therapist.  I feel good.  Free of stress and happy for the first time in years.  Is this weird?

It's not weird! It's a blessing. GOOD FOR YOU.