BPD scared a diagnosis means we'll never be able to adopt

[RedPixie]

heya

my UpwBPD is back tracking, he agreed to get an assessment by a private psychologist the last time he accidently hurt me.

things have been so much better since he acknowledged there could be a MH issue with him

we have had some terribly sad times together in our past.today marks the 5 year anniversary of our twins premature birth.

today he told me he'd read somewhere that we'd be unlikely to be able to adopt if he got a MH diagnosis,

i'm devastated ,  I feel like he's running away from a diagnosis - but at the same time I don't want him to never have children. 

he is such a wonderful man - children adore him - he adores them ... .

does anyone know anything about this or have any experience to share ? (we are in the UK)

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[HurtinNW]

I adopted from foster care in the states. A counselor or psychologist is confidential. He can talk to the therapist about this very issue. During the adoption process you complete what is called a homestudy. They will ask you about any therapy. LOTS of people go to therapy! In fact it is recommended for adoptive parents. He can be honest he is going to therapy, and consult with his counselor about what to disclose. He shouldn't be dishonest, but neither does he have to tell them everything. If the focus of therapy is to improve your relationship he can tell them that. That's a good thing!

There are people with MH diagnosis that adopt. It all depends on the agency and the diagnosis. If you want to adopt overseas that really limits you, because many countries have strict policies on that. But other agencies look at the whole family unit, how it functions, and his skills as a parent. It may be he will not be dx BPD because that is a pretty high fence to jump. Maybe he would be dx as adjustment disorder, which is very common. I'd tell him that he can talk about this with the therapist.

[babyducks]

Hi RedPixiie,

I noticed this in what you wrote and went and looked at your older posts.   

my UpwBPD is back tracking, he agreed to get an assessment by a private psychologist the last time he accidently hurt me.

I didn't notice more information than what you provided here but maybe I missed it.    Do you mind if I ask how you feel about this?    Do you think that maybe a boundary would be helpful here?    It does seem to me that if you were hurt, even accidently, there should be some appropriate reaction to that.

'ducks

[RedPixie]

I feel deflated. When i expressed my concern that he may suffer from an emotional disorder during a rage, he hit the glove box flap in the car repeatedly hurting my legs underneath. After he calmed down,   he took it on board. I asked him to see a private specialist,  he agreed... asked if I'd go with him. He cried and apologised and things have been about 20% better.

He started showing signs of being interested in adoption again ( weve talked about it for 10+years) rather than the ivf medicated nightmare that i don't really think will work. And then it hit him, would he be able to adopt if he was diagnosed. He'd have to lie...

"Better to deal with this ourselves , I'm not really that bad?" ... .Argh !

Ive downloaded a DBT  book and it is full of the things i already do and have been trying to teach him for years,

How do i get him to go ?

[babyducks]

Hi RedPixie,

You might want to take a look at this link.   It's pretty helpful.

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

What the experts tell us is the best thing to do is to build trust.   By listening carefully to our loved one's fears. 

No one wants to admit to needing help.   I wouldn't.    Trying to convince someone by explaining or motivating them is usually not very successful.     That's why it is suggested the effort begins with the more mentally healthy stable partner.   The results come quicker and are easier to sustain.    Does that make sense?    That is why all the Lessons here are targeted for us.

It's a difficult thing,   you can create a boundary that says, seek help or I will X,  but the risk there is that any help will be handicapped by being 'forced' into it.   

take a look at the link and let us know what you think okay?

'ducks