I feel I have done everything wrong with my daughter (she has MS) and blown it

[lensky]

I have tried to help my daughter but nothing works. She pushes my buttons and is not cooperative with my trying to plan ahead. I believe she uses procrastination to precipitate crisis that are no longer solvable short of me coming to her immediate aid, mostly involving money. She is now homeless and alone, squatting in a condo about to be foreclosed on, and one that is very bad for her nonexistant immune system. She is also fighting insurance companies to get her medications she has taken for years, and the only ones that give her any quality of life, paid for.

During our last conversation she was threatening me because everything is my fault. She said she was going to call the police and talked over me when I tried to discuss options. Finally I  said, ok, go to the police, go to a nursing home, go to the hospital. She is terrified of being around sick people and germs (and understandably so). But I am 75 years old and living on a fixed income in a senior complex and spend so much money on her I have little left for myself.

I just read your articles about how to communicate and realize I have blown it. I really frightened for her. How can I reestablish contact without going into this chaotic downward spiral again?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Slipping]

Oh, Lensky, I can hear the fear and pain in your message.  I'm so sorry.  I live with some of the same fears and I relate to where you're coming from.  My daughter has severe health conditions as well, and trying to help her is like walking through quicksand.  Everything I say is wrong, everything is my fault.  When she is in physical pain and I try to talk through a possible way to address it, all she does is talk over me and insist that my plan won't help.  And then nothing is done, and the whole problem lands in my lap.  So I get that part too. She used to have fluctuating periods of emotional distress, but now that the physical conditions are causing so many problems, she is almost always dis-regulated. These days, there never seems to be a good time to talk things over. 

It looks like you are new to this board, so I wonder, is your daughter diagnosed with BPD?  How long have you been dealing with this issue, aside from the MS?  Is your daughter getting any treatment for the BPD?

Please keep reading the info here.  It is so helpful, and might give you some hope. There's a lot to learn.  I know that I did a lot of things wrong, but I also know that my daughter has a mental illness and I was not equipped or prepared to deal with it.  I concentrate really hard on trying to communicate differently from today forward. (And then when I blow it, I just start over!)  That's hard when the pwBPD insists on dredging up the past, but I try to acknowledge her feelings about the past without agreeing about or apologizing for things that just didn't happen the way she says they did.

You asked about getting back into contact with your daughter without falling back into the same chaos.  I don't have the answer to that, b/c at least in my case, my child's life is always chaotic.  The only thing I can control is myself so I work on learning to validate her and practice radical acceptance for myself.

I struggle with hearing that my child is in pain and realizing that I can't stop it. And it's hard when I know she has to interact with a medical system and doctors that find her difficult or impossible to work with. I worry that she won't get the medical care that she needs b/c she can be so angry with them.  I imagine you may feel that way too, but I don't know.  Do you?

Others who know more than I do will most likely post here and offer you more concrete advice, but I just want you to know that you're not alone.

Slipping

[SoSoSoTired]

I have tried to help my daughter but nothing works. She pushes my buttons and is not cooperative with my trying to plan ahead. I believe she uses procrastination to precipitate crisis that are no longer solvable short of me coming to her immediate aid, mostly involving money. She is now homeless and alone, squatting in a condo about to be foreclosed on, and one that is very bad for her nonexistant immune system. She is also fighting insurance companies to get her medications she has taken for years, and the only ones that give her any quality of life, paid for.

During our last conversation she was threatening me because everything is my fault. She said she was going to call the police and talked over me when I tried to discuss options. Finally I  said, ok, go to the police, go to a nursing home, go to the hospital. She is terrified of being around sick people and germs (and understandably so). But I am 75 years old and living on a fixed income in a senior complex and spend so much money on her I have little left for myself.

I just read your articles about how to communicate and realize I have blown it. I really frightened for her. How can I reestablish contact without going into this chaotic downward spiral again?

I am very sorry that you read information on here and feel that you are the source of your daughter's problems. Please realize that there are NUMEROUS scientific studies that have been published for years in numerous peer-related medical journals that (to simplify this conversation) show some people are born with brains damaged in volume and/or structure and many behaviors are genetically determined.  This doesn't mean she inherited behavioral- disordered genes from you.  She could have inherited her dysfunctional behaviors from very distant ancestors.

[VegasMom]

Lensky ... .Oh my goodness, my son does the same exact thing. Precipitates his own crisis that can only be solved by our coming to his immediate aid (mostly financially) ... .And like your daughter he is completely uncooperative and will not help himself or be proactive in any way to avoid the crisis. It doesn't matter how much we try to counsel him or give him advice ... .Doesn't matter how effective the plan is - He will do just the opposite. He's spent years in therapy (and on meds) but he has refused mostly all medical assistance the past couple of years. And like your daughter, he has health problems to boot because he doesn't take care of himself. And he also gets very angry ... .And, even if he did seek medical assistance, he usually just walks out after swearing at everyone and ends up not getting the help he needs. Then he will complain that nobody wanted to help him. It's a Catch 22. And if, by some slim chance, he manages to stay long enough to have a RX written, he will lose his medications within 48 hours or just refuse to take them. I am so sorry for what you are going through ... .I hope you have a support system - Don't leave yourself with so little that you end up in dire straits yourself. I completely understand your frustration of wanting her to get medical help - And just like your daughter, my son blames me for absolutely everything.  Please take care of yourself and know you aren't the only one. I'll keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers ... .Hang in there!

[lbjnltx]

Hello Linsky,

So glad to have you here though so very sorry for what brings you to this site. 

Blaming self for not understanding what a special needs child benefits from is natural.  Kids don't come with an instruction manual and not understanding how to parent a special needs child is something most all of us can relate to.  It is good for us as parents to recognize when we didn't do right by our children.  Even letting our kids know that we see where we made mistakes can help our relationship with them (and help us move on to have a better relationship with them).

After all, isn't that what we want our disordered children/adult children to do?... .see where they are not making the best choices/see their thinking errors, admitting when they were wrong and learning a better way.  The most kind and powerful action we can take to help ourselves and our children is to for us to model the skills we wish them to have.  Whether they choose to follow our lead or not, we still benefit in many many ways!

lbj

[lensky]

I posted as Lensky, but have only seen one response and didn't know how to find others. My daughter is very very ill with MS. She will be 52 next month. I will be 76 next month. I feel responsible for her illness (seems at least to be a hefty dose of BPD and I know she also has ADHD, which is common among MS sufferers - she takes adderall and steroids, as well as many other medications). Insurance no longer wants to pay for her pain and MS meds. One MS med goes for over $20,000 for a 3 month supply. She wants me to give her all the money I have left to live on for the month so she can pay for individual doses of medication, says she will pay me back when she's reimbursed by a foundation that will pick up the slack, but needs to do paperwork to reinstate their help... .I can't remember her ever paying me back. She says it's a matter of life and death and that I have to do this for her. It is quite possible she will not survive, but has said no to every solution but calling on me. She's tried them all and they don't work. Our last call five days ago did not end well. She said she would call the police on me because I have broken my promises to her. I ended up saying, "Call the police. Go in a nursing home. Go to the hospital". In other words, I did everything wrong. She has absolutely no immune system and is terrified of hospitals and nursing homes. She has stayed with me in my senior apartments, with me having to hide her. She is now squatting in a condo owned by a 93 year old man, whose family originally gave her her own room and bathroom just to make sure he got a patch on the back of his neck every day and didn't wander off at night. The place is not clean and she refuses the help of my homecare provider. She wants to be MY homecare provider to get more money.

I fell like I am dealing with a chaotic whorlwind (sic). I can't keep up with her. I want to reconnect, but can't imagine what to say to her.