Struggling with taking care of my emotional health

[donnab]

I'm really in a bad place and can no longer cope with my dd's BPD and the most recent episode has left me completely depleted and feeling hopeless.

My dd was diagnosed in August 2014, but (now we know) had been ill for many years - we thought it was *just* extreme teenage behaviour. There's no way of describing those years in between but I guess everyone on thisw board can guess the struggles they involved.

In June 2014 she left her 11 month old dd here and over the course of 9 months we gained custody of her. We then watched her spiral out of control, drugs, violent boyfriend, homelessness. I have refused to let her stay at our house since May 2014 when she had had her last rage at me and her 10 month old baby. Things have at times got better but this is often for a short period and things deteriorate again.

At the end of June last year I lost my job (was dismissed without any warning) and as I was driving home I received a call from a hospital to tell me my mother had died. I had an estranged relationship with my mother as there were abuse issues from my childhood, she had drug and alcohol abuse issues and I believe she had BPD - undiagnosed. These 2 events have been a catalyst for me falling to pieces, these were the straws that broke the camels back.

My dd left her boyfriend after a vicious assault and moved to a refuge that was some distance but she was managing contact visits, although it has been hard for her. I thought things were getting better.

Then at the beginning of December things fell to pieces spectacularly with my dd. She has not been to contact since 4th Dec. I had said we would spend Christmas Day & Boxing Day together but she needed to organise somewhere to stay and I would pick her up in the mornings & drop her off in the evenings. This has been unacceptable to my dd.

She has now spiralled out of control, is doing drugs again, tells me she has been evicted from her refuge because she hasn't been staying there. I have been on the end of some very vicious comments from her. Yesterday I woke up to several messages on fb that were awful, statuses about me for the world to see and she has even said when she was a child I used to leave her with sex offenders (not true) and that she must be blocking something out because she can't remember her. One minute she sending me vile messages and the next saying sorry and asking me for help. She wouldn't call the refuge to see if she could save her room and asked me to but I said no it was her responsibility to do.

I feel so out of control and just don't want to do this anymore, she won't get help/therapy so we all have to continue in this hell. I have lost all hope and honestly think this will never end, it's been going on for a decade. Yesterday I felt like I was going mad and the only way out of this nightmare would be to commit suicide myself and end this. I feel like I can't take the craziness anymore but how can you not be involved when your child is clearly in crisis?

I think I need to go NC for a considerable time so I can focus on getting well and recovering from the abuse and the constant barrage of stress & craziness but I don't know that I can take the way I will feel with that either. How can you live with yourself if you're not their for your child when they are in crisis? But how can I live if I don't extract myself from this nightmare? Neither situations are acceptable to me. But I know I'm living half a life, just getting through days, and worrying myself into the ground in the nights.

I really need some guidance and advice about how to cope with this because I just don't have the resilience to cope with it anymore

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

Hi!

I am glad you found this place. I also have a 34yo daughter with uBPD. I have gone NC. I too thought I couldn't do anything else.

You need to take care of yourself first. Have you read the tools here?

I just really wanted to say hi and you are not alone. Others will chime in. I am new to this too so I don't have it all down yet :--)

[VegasMom]

Donnab ... .I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Please lean on others for support ... .You can't do this alone. I know sometimes it seems so hopeless and just when you think it can't get worse, it does ... .It's such a heavy cross to bear and it really does feel like we're drowning under all the chaos, turmoil, sadness and frustration ... .But, eventually it will let up. The situation will ease just a bit and you'll have a chance to regroup ... .Until then, the most important thing is to be good to yourself ... .Have your bad days (we all do) - But, then try really hard to do something kind for yourself - Even if it's something tiny like a cup of tea and a magazine, or go for a walk ... .Something ... .Anything ... .To clear your mind for just a few minutes. It's self preservation ... .And you need that right now. So take some deep breaths ... .Even if that's all you can do in the moment ... .Just breathe. Know that you're not alone and there are others pulling for you ... .Because they know how bad you're hurting ... .They know how scared you are ... .They understand. Hang in there sweetie.

[Gorges]

Hi donnaB,

I am not an expert in this at all, but if you read my post, last night I came to the realization that I can't help my daughter get out of her mental health funk.  She has to want to do this and ask for help.  You state, "how can you not be there for your child when she is in trouble?" .   If I am reading your post correctly it sounds like you gained custody of her child.  That sounds like a huge amount of help.  I don't think you can do anything else.  If she wants to self destruct, she'll do it.   I really don't think anyone can do what you are asking yourself to do.  Take care and hang in there.  Please give yourself a break from your daughter so you can regain some strength.