Had a dinner with her and her parents where she introduced me to them

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Had a dinner with her and her parents where she introduced me to them. For 5.5 months prior to that, she kept on telling me how her mom just took apart every new guy she met the first time, likes to find their weaknesses and "makes them cry". Her mom is a high powered nationally known actuary with a laundry list of accomplishments, so I figured it was easy for her to take apart a guy if she wanted to. Alright, we went to the dinner with her mom, had a normal first time maybe a little awkward conversation at first, talked about lives, aspirations, travels, etc. At one point I helped her mom with some European geography. My ex was sitting next to me, looking at me all proud and stuff the whole dinner. As we were leaving the dinner, she told me "That was weird, that was the nicest I have seen my mom treat any of my new guys."

We got to a bar for a some after the dinner drinks, don't remember how we got on this, but she told me how her ex prior to me could hang with her mom in the intellectual department and I couldn't. I mean, that was literally less than two hours after she was looking at me with the admiration while I discussed anything and everything with her mom without missing a beat. I was thinking "Am I hearing what I'm hearing?" That was the first case of obvious devaluation. A month later, she ghosted me.

[Invictus01]

Had a dinner with her and her parents where she introduced me to them. For 5.5 months prior to that, she kept on telling me how her mom just took apart every new guy she met the first time, likes to find their weaknesses and "makes them cry". Her mom is a high powered nationally known actuary with a laundry list of accomplishments, so I figured it was easy for her to take apart a guy if she wanted to. Alright, we went to the dinner with her mom, had a normal first time maybe a little awkward conversation at first, talked about lives, aspirations, travels, etc. At one point I helped her mom with some European geography. My ex was sitting next to me, looking at me all proud and stuff the whole dinner. As we were leaving the dinner, she told me "That was weird, that was the nicest I have seen my mom treat any of my new guys."

We got to a bar for a some after the dinner drinks, don't remember how we got on this, but she told me how her ex prior to me could hang with her mom in the intellectual department and I couldn't. I mean, that was literally less than two hours after she was looking at me with the admiration while I discussed anything and everything with her mom without missing a beat. I was thinking "Am I hearing what I'm hearing?" That was the first case of obvious devaluation. A month later, she ghosted me.

[once removed]

its a high pressure situation meeting the parents, especially when youre told the likelihood of getting picked apart. sounds like you aced it only to be compared unfavorably to an ex. i imagine some appreciation would have felt nice, and would have been appropriate. im sorry you went through that.

i was in kind of a similar dynamic. i heard all about my exes mom being this wicked witch, including toward exes boyfriends. i have reason to believe there was some (probably more complicated) truth to it, but her mother could not have been more friendly or generous to me. the pressure before meeting her seemed totally unnecessary.

i think there is some pretty complex fear in the pwBPD at the prospect of us meeting their parents. the emotional enmeshment with their parents. discomfort with themselves and who to be in front of both us and parents. fear of engulfment or of abandonment or both. the punitive parent playing on a loop in their head (i wonder if this was projected at you).

[Invictus01]

Well, it's not that I wanted to get some special appreciation or acknowledgement. Frankly, I knew I was gonna be alright, I am known to leave very good first impression no matter who I talk to. And, I really enjoy talking to smart folks and her mom is really sharp (can't be any other way to accomplish what she has). I was looking forward to meeting her... .It's just the whole thing was so bizarre, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Here is somebody who for months had been telling me how impressed she is with my education and with how sharp I am (love bombing, but I didn't care, I have heard all that since I was in preschool), who just sat through a 3 hour dinner all beaming with admiration, telling me something that was completely opposite to all that. I even asked her "Are you telling me that I can't intellectually hang with you mom?" She just sat there in silence. Felt like she was just saying something to get me going. And she did, to be honest.

[C.Stein]

Perhaps she felt threatened by you and felt the need to "put you in your place".  Doesn't make it right but it might explain why she said that.  My ex did similar things to "put me in my place".  It's a demoralizing thing to do to someone else.

[thisworld]

Doesn't it work like this most of the time with emotional controllers? We are given something good (say, a compliment) and then that very thing is taken from us and we get confused, disappointed. We wouldn't be very confused (emotionally controlled) if we were given a positive A and then a completely different negative B?  

Someone with a disorder would have something else going on them maybe, but I'm describing the effect on the other person.