He does not miss me

[Depression = 72% of members]

He only misses SOMEONE... .ANYONE (not for long). I know.   :'(

He is a Hollow Man.

[JaneStorm]

He only misses SOMEONE... .ANYONE (not for long). I know.   :'(

He is a Hollow Man.

[jujux15]

He only misses SOMEONE... .ANYONE (not for long). I know.   :'(

He is a Hollow Man.

Something  I ultimately realize is they miss the affection that we give them, the praise, the adoration but not necessarily us. If you think about it it's fundamentally different, any person can do that but to us they were much more. I'm so sorry for your loss just be better take care of yourself and don't let anybody take advantage of your love again you beautiful person you!

[JaneStorm]

Thank you for that.

I hope that someday, I find a SANE version of him, somewhere out there.

[C.Stein]

If your ex does not miss YOU, then would that also mean they never loved YOU?  

In the end my ex didn't demonstrate anything that even remotely resembled love of ME.  Instead it was about HER needs and my ability (or lack thereof) in her eyes to fulfil them.  She quite literally reduced me to a disposable object and I wonder now if that is all I ever was to her.  I know she at one time "loved" me but what did that mean in her mind? Probably it means she loved the fantasy she had created around our relationship, it really had little to do with me as a person, and hence how easily I was disposed of.

[JaneStorm]

They love an idea of us.

He once told me his fantasy wedding that he had at a place in our area years ago was all he ever wanted... .didn't matter with who it was with. Damn.

[VitaminC]

That's certainly my experience; what I've been feeling and thinking for months, and what, in particular, has preoccupied me since the break-up.

I feel, essentially, that I am interchangeable with more or less anyone else. I tick a couple of extra, or just different, boxes and that's about it. I had been watching him for about 6 weeks before breaking it off - just paying attention to how he interacted with people, who he seemed to like, what he seemed to like about them.

I was surprised by his finding quite young and naive and still kind of goofily enthusiastic people 'fascinating' - whereas I found them kind of endearing but also a bit boring on a deeper level. Been there, done that - that kind of thing. I realised he views people through a prism of his own needs (duh) entirely. I also realised that the qualities I value about myself don't particularly register with him at all.

I really began to feel like a cipher; invisible to him in my complexity. As everyone's complexity is invisible, and irrelevant, to him.

Again, I think, of the parallels with very young children. They like you if you pay attention to them, play with them, cuddle them, are easy with them. They don't care about your views on things or your history or what you think about or how you feel about it. If you tried to tell them, they would not understand.

So, no, i don't feel I am being missed either. Some of the comforts I can give, some of what I represent, and no more than that.

Knowing this doesn't make me sad anymore, incredibly. Knowing it gives me relief from trying to figure everything out based on the underlying assumption that we are both operating in more or less the same emotional universe. THAT was hellish, because I couldn't make any sense of anything at all. It was all inconsistencies until one fact fell into my lap.

40 year old toddler, as FlourDust said in another thread.

That phrase has not only made me laugh out loud, but changed my perspective on everything.

[Inharmsway]

JaneStorm

Very thought provoking thread you started! You'll meet a better version of somebody that truly adores, appreciates and loves you, just hope that it's not a replica of him

C.Stein:

I vehemently doubt we were ever loved by them, perhaps they loved the idea of being in love and the attention we gave.

VitaminC:

You took the words right out of my mouth. I couldn't have said it any better.

[thisworld]

JaneStorm,

I find it hard to accept emotionally that it wasn't about me. At the same time, this knowledge sometimes helps me to detach easier. I mean, if this man was really a wonderful man without this disorder, if it was really about me, I'd be very sad in some other, more personal way I think.

And yes, I would love to find a sane version of him, too.   This relationship showed me certain things that I enjoy in a man (and also what happens when a man like that comes with a severe disorder). I'll look for those good things in future relationships. In my case, these were not very complex things but they made life more pleasant in general. I hope we all find the sane version of what we are looking for.

[apollotech]

JaneStorm:

He once told me his fantasy wedding that he had at a place in our area years ago was all he ever wanted... .didn't matter with who it was with.

BPD honesty, the attachment itself is of primary importance while the attached is of little concern.

[once removed]

i think we need to keep in mind the old axiom "they loved us the best they could."

... .and thats largely true of us too, certainly me.

i think that, at least as far as i see it, my ex had a limited capacity to love; for a variety of reasons. she has low emotional maturity. she had difficulty seeing me as a whole, accepting both the good about me and what i brought to our relationship, and accepting my flaws or even that i have them. other reasons, BPD related or not.

looking back, how can i describe myself much differently? i (unconsciously) refused to accept her as she was. plenty of my loving actions were entirely or mostly self serving. i too, loved my own "idea of her". she wasnt an idea, she was an independent person. i was happiest when she was who i wanted her to be. is that love?

i loved her the best i could. my ability and capacity to love grew exponentially as a result of that relationship and seeing my behavior for what it was. at the end of the day we werent right for each other, but we loved each other the best we could; the only way we knew how.

[VitaminC]

BPD honesty, the attachment itself is of primary importance while the attached is of little concern.

Absolutely.

[VitaminC]

i think we need to keep in mind the old axiom "they loved us the best they could."

... .and thats largely true of us too, certainly me.

i think that, at least as far as i see it, my ex had a limited capacity to love; for a variety of reasons. she has low emotional maturity. she had difficulty seeing me as a whole, accepting both the good about me and what i brought to our relationship, and accepting my flaws or even that i have them. other reasons, BPD related or not.

looking back, how can i describe myself much differently? i (unconsciously) refused to accept her as she was. plenty of my loving actions were entirely or mostly self serving. i too, loved my own "idea of her". she wasnt an idea, she was an independent person. i was happiest when she was who i wanted her to be. is that love?

i loved her the best i could. my ability and capacity to love grew exponentially as a result of that relationship and seeing my behavior for what it was. at the end of the day we werent right for each other, but we loved each other the best we could; the only way we knew how.

That's really good, Once Removed. Insightful and accepting. It resonates for me anyway.

[JaneStorm]

All of this input is invaluable. Thank you so much! 

I am studying Stoicism. These attitudes and behaviors have assisted me in weathering many storms and will do again.

They even have an app on Google Play for free that has quotes!

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." - Epictetus

“You act like mortals in all that you fear, and like immortals in all that you desire” - Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

"Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope." - Epictetus

Read more at www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/epictetus.html#11MVjtcwUJ7xY0iO.99

[VitaminC]

“You act like mortals in all that you fear, and like immortals in all that you desire” - Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

Read more at www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/epictetus.html#11MVjtcwUJ7xY0iO.99

Those Stoics are great. The Seneca quote, in particular, is a good one.  Oh yea.

[C.Stein]

i think we need to keep in mind the old axiom "they loved us the best they could."

What does this mean when someone repeatedly hurts you emotionally, whether it be consciously, or not?

What does this mean when someone throws you away like a piece of trash? 

In order to answer these questions we need a working definition of "love".  I think a good start to that definition would be to not do the above two things.

[once removed]

i think we need to keep in mind the old axiom "they loved us the best they could."

What does this mean when someone repeatedly hurts you emotionally, whether it be consciously, or not?

What does this mean when someone throws you away like a piece of trash? 

In order to answer these questions we need a working definition of "love".  I think a good start to that definition would be to not do the above two things.

we do need a working definition of love. some of us (myself included) operated on a flawed one.

for example, what does it mean when someone repeatedly hurts you emotionally, whether it be consciously or not? it means their ability and capacity to love is limited. "loving the best they could". it did not meet my definition of love. still, i stayed, until i too was thrown away like a piece of trash  .

my relationship didnt live up to my definition of love on either side. still, we loved each other the best we could.

[JaneStorm]

New thread idea... .

[GoingBack2OC]

I'd have to agree with the sentiment that so many have posted.  My exgf said a number of times things like "I just want you to love me". Or "I just want to be loved". In the context of - I don't care who. I just want to be adored.

I told her a few times "That makes me feel special". Like I was just a stand in. I didnt really connect it all until it was much to late.

So to answer, I think people like this. No they don't miss you. They never really "liked" or even "loved" you. You were a placeholder in time. We all were. And when the game is up... .when they can no longer play the part (I think after a while it becomes exhausting to keep up the lies and deceit for them); they throw you away, and on to the next. Clean slate. New victim. Fresh batch of trust.

I wish it wasnt so, but at least for me, this would be my opinion on how my exgf really felt about me. I was a tool, a pawn, a muse, nothing more.

[circularref]

That's certainly my experience; what I've been feeling and thinking for months, and what, in particular, has preoccupied me since the break-up.

I feel, essentially, that I am interchangeable with more or less anyone else. I tick a couple of extra, or just different, boxes and that's about it. I had been watching him for about 6 weeks before breaking it off - just paying attention to how he interacted with people, who he seemed to like, what he seemed to like about them.

I was surprised by his finding quite young and naive and still kind of goofily enthusiastic people 'fascinating' - whereas I found them kind of endearing but also a bit boring on a deeper level. Been there, done that - that kind of thing. I realised he views people through a prism of his own needs (duh) entirely. I also realised that the qualities I value about myself don't particularly register with him at all.

I really began to feel like a cipher; invisible to him in my complexity. As everyone's complexity is invisible, and irrelevant, to him.

Again, I think, of the parallels with very young children. They like you if you pay attention to them, play with them, cuddle them, are easy with them. They don't care about your views on things or your history or what you think about or how you feel about it. If you tried to tell them, they would not understand.

So, no, i don't feel I am being missed either. Some of the comforts I can give, some of what I represent, and no more than that.

Knowing this doesn't make me sad anymore, incredibly. Knowing it gives me relief from trying to figure everything out based on the underlying assumption that we are both operating in more or less the same emotional universe. THAT was hellish, because I couldn't make any sense of anything at all. It was all inconsistencies until one fact fell into my lap.

40 year old toddler, as FlourDust said in another thread.

That phrase has not only made me laugh out loud, but changed my perspective on everything.

Spot on! I feel exactly the same way. There was a red flag for this that I ignored, when my ex was telling me about her exes, she was not able to list a single quality/defect about them, only generic things (like their job) that I could have found out by looking at their FB profile. In fact, all she could me about them is how either they hurt her or they were boring.

And I don't think she misses me either, maybe she misses my attention, or financial stability. I think they apply the same things with friendship, their closest friends are just the ones that are the most available.

[C.Stein]

we do need a working definition of love. some of us (myself included) operated on a flawed one.

for example, what does it mean when someone repeatedly hurts you emotionally, whether it be consciously or not? it means their ability and capacity to love is limited. "loving the best they could". it did not meet my definition of love. still, i stayed, until i too was thrown away like a piece of trash  .

my relationship didnt live up to my definition of love on either side. still, we loved each other the best we could.

Love ... .is it solely a personally relative concept or are there basic constructs that are "understood" regardless of who it is?  I tend to think it is both.  There are some things that "go without saying" when you love someone.  These aren't really a matter of personal interpretation, at least it doesn't seem like it should be.

[JaneStorm]

we do need a working definition of love. some of us (myself included) operated on a flawed one.

for example, what does it mean when someone repeatedly hurts you emotionally, whether it be consciously or not? it means their ability and capacity to love is limited. "loving the best they could". it did not meet my definition of love. still, i stayed, until i too was thrown away like a piece of trash  .

my relationship didnt live up to my definition of love on either side. still, we loved each other the best we could.

Love ... .is it solely a personally relative concept or are there basic constructs that are "understood" regardless of who it is?  I tend to think it is both.  There are some things that "go without saying" when you love someone.  These aren't really a matter of personal interpretation, at least it doesn't seem like it should be.

I started one yesterday; it is quiet!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288806.msg12719112#msg12719112