Pretending to cut herself for sympathy?

[flourdust]

This is a weird one. I've seen many people here complain about their pwBPDs constantly lying. I haven't had that experience. My dBPDw has plenty of cognitive and memory distortions -- exaggerating, putting words in her or my mouths, casting herself as reasonable and me as the persecutor in her memories -- the usual. But I haven't seen much deliberate lying.

The last few weeks have been fairly calm in our house. I attributed it to her having a big deadline to work on and me being out of town for a few days. She said in MC last night that reducing the conflict was a deliberate choice of hers, but she paid for it by cutting herself and abusing alcohol over the past week.

She has no history of self-injury. I haven't seen any marks, and she's been wearing outfits that have revealed her arms and legs. I also do all the dishes and keep the house clean, and there's no evidence of drinking.

Is she lying about SIBs to garner herself sympathy or to further cast me as the persecutor? Is she good at covering this stuff up, and I just don't know what clues to look for? Someone help me out here, please.

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[babyducks]

hi flourdust,

Hmmm.  I think this might be a feelings equal facts thing.   She is struggling so hard to keep the lid on the conflict that she feels her only options for self control are cutting and alcohol?    I think you might have nailed it when you said cognitive distortion.   Pretty hard to tell though.   

Self injury and self harm

Not everyone cuts in the same places.  I have heard of some odd places.  and some members here have reported extensive efforts to conceal the cuts or burns.     

How did the MC respond to her?

'ducks

[flourdust]

The conversation with the marriage counselor was interesting. My wife presented it as a tradeoff. She was able to avoid picking fights with me and taking offense at every possible infraction (not exactly her words) by cutting and drinking. Therefore, I was supposed to choose whether I wanted her to self-harm or accept her "self-expression." I refused to take either choice as acceptable, and the MC jumped in to agree that it sounded like neither door #1 or #2 were good. There was then some debate about whether or not I believed her story, and I admitted to skepticism but did not push the issue.

The day after the MC session, I had a chance to see her naked. (She was wandering through the house late at night looking for ice cream, I think.) Without being too obvious, I looked her over, and I didn't see any marks or bandages. I'm far from an expert on cutting, but wouldn't it leave some visible sign from a few feet away?

I asked her mother about her history of cutting. She said my wife told her in her college years that she was cutting -- that was around the time she reported she had been abused as a child. This was long-distance, though, so her mother had never seen any evidence. It might have happened back then. But I haven't seen anything like it in the more than a decade we've been together.

She's in a DBT group. My suspicion is that she hears plenty about cutting, drinking, etc. from the other clients in the group, and she's decided to borrow some of their stories. I think her strategy is to get me to feel bad enough about her SIBs that I'll back down from my boundaries and my insistence that she needs to reduce the frequency of the verbally abusive behaviors to stay in a relationship with me. I think she made a similar attempt a few months ago by claiming suicidal intention ... .but she's dialed back on that when I called the crisis line on her and she had to admit she wasn't suicidal.

[babyducks]

hi flourdust

The conversation with the marriage counselor was interesting. My wife presented it as a tradeoff. She was able to avoid picking fights with me and taking offense at every possible infraction (not exactly her words) by cutting and drinking. Therefore, I was supposed to choose whether I wanted her to self-harm or accept her "self-expression." I refused to take either choice as acceptable,

this was the part that I thought was the most telling.   it looks to me like she is right back on the drama triangle.  She either gets to be the victim or the persecutor and take no responsibility for the decision.        I know your wife has been in some type of therapy for a while but man, from my view way out here in the internet she is fighting it every step of the way isn't she?   She isn't giving you hardly any positive behavior to reinforce.   And that is sad.    It looks to me like she has so much of her identify invested in acting and being ~this~ way that change, any change is going to be fought tooth and nail.   I know that the experts say that can be part of the problem with BPD, that they get invested in the identity.   I'm this way because I have BPD and I can't change.   That's part of the illness anyhow,   that belief that  the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change.   She seems really locked in.

for what its worth I think you made a great spur of the moment response by not accepting either choice.   that was a double bind and a no  win situation.   to me it's also indicative of where her thinking is.    I know your story a little bit and know you have really made every effort.   

are you taking care of you?   practicing good self care?  you've had enough stress going on to fell an elephant for a while.  what are you doing for relief?

'ducks

[flourdust]

I know your wife has been in some type of therapy for a while but man, from my view way out here in the internet she is fighting it every step of the way isn't she?   She isn't giving you hardly any positive behavior to reinforce.

Yeah, that's kind of how I see it. She's "working" in therapy but sees the problem as me not changing my behaviors.

are you taking care of you?   practicing good self care?  you've had enough stress going on to fell an elephant for a while.  what are you doing for relief?

Meh.  Not as much as I should. I need to eat better. I started exercising again last month, but it's dropped off over the past few weeks. Much of my "self-care" has been researching what I need to do for divorce. Does that count? I oddly find having a project to work on kind of relaxing. And I continue to sleep in the guest room, which means I don't have anxiety over bedtime and I get a good night's rest.