Recycle attempt, mirroring, help please

[thisworld]

So, I need your help and feedback about my situation. With your help, I need to decide how dangerous my ex may be at this stage and I'll either keep him at "polite friends" zone or I'll take other precautions. He has a habit of sabotaging people, I have informed some work contacts etc about him (so I'm a bit less scared), and I have also passed the subtle but repetitive message to him that if he tries to mess with me, he has stuff to lose as well - he has NPD traits and is prone to thinking that he can do whatever he likes to people and there will be no repercussions. I'm determined to defend myself if he tries to sabotage me the way he did to some people - online smear campaigns among friends is OK, more substantial damage is not OK for me. I hope this sticks with him and he manages to control himself a bit - though I'm not very hopeful because he is very impulsive and is also an addict.    

So, I ended up in the same small (very small) festival like thing with my ex. He has moved very very near where I live (unfortunately not an urban setting, he basically placed himself right in the middle of one of the very few places where I socialize). Our limited contact has brought him to a better place with me, S.E.T worked tremendously well (at least in writing) as well as some narcissistic supply and although he had dysregulations in our writing, we managed to come to a good place when we met. For the first time, he managed to listen and not terrorize a talk or me with his behaviour. (This after I told him I gave him acceptance) He is boyishly proud of that as well. (He spoke to a common friend of ours about how he has taken this great step for us and already feels more confident. He is very very open about his anxiety (I managed to show it to him that I know what he is going through and it's not a weakness and he is actually a strong person for being able to live with so much anxiety). He also doesn't try to hold me hostage with overdoses or suicide anymore (those didn't work on me). I feel much safer myself because I know almost certainly (at least for the time being) that I'll not find him outside my door in a volatile mood or with his dangerous habits (I told him about lots of police stuff that happened after him so he doesn't want to put himself in trouble:)) During his angry moods (?) when we were speaking online, he also completely rejected a relationship with me when I told him that I didn't have a house for us anymore:))

So he "fell in love" with me again though I don't have a house anymore (lucky me:)) He said this surprised him as well. Has had 180 degree behaviour change, opening up his vulnerabilities with a lot of honesty. And he is mirroring me I think. There are still many things that are "off". Overall though, everything seems very positive. "SEEMS" That's why I need your opinions on this.

So, I think this is mirroring. (He started speaking with my accent again:)) In these second rounds, do you think they do this more knowingly? Am I dealing with someone more calculating than I think he is?

Do you think his emotional control/behaviour efforts have any sincerity or is he doing that purposefully thinking that's what I need to see in him to like him? (I'll keep on observing. If this is genuine, I'll see it anyway and appreciate him for this but I cannot be sure).

I even gave him more than enough reason to black me and get away from me, yet he doesn't. Have a become a prize or something now that I'm not available for a relationship?

This time I'm the "respected real woman" because I didn't keep him in my life after his emotional affairs. (He may have gotten this theme from me though:))

I hope we can be in good terms until he finds the love of his life hopefully in the spring when this touristic area has a bit more action. I cannot move until next November. What are your opinions about this issue? What were your experiences with recycle attempts and mirroring?

[didionit]

My experience with multiple instances of behavior like this in my relationship with my BPDex was that it never led anywhere except further misery--once he had me back, every old habit resumed, progress that appeared to have been made evaporated, and i was left bewildered about what had happened, as he claimed no knowledge or memory of conversations we'd had during the mirroring phase.

and now, i have a restraining order against him.  that he has already violated.  because what followed the last recycle attempt, and my decision to protect myself, has been angry delusion, violence, and pure hell.

run away.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey TW-

So, I think this is mirroring. (He started speaking with my accent again:)) In these second rounds, do you think they do this more knowingly? Am I dealing with someone more calculating than I think he is?

Do you think his emotional control/behaviour efforts have any sincerity or is he doing that purposefully thinking that's what I need to see in him to like him? (I'll keep on observing. If this is genuine, I'll see it anyway and appreciate him for this but I cannot be sure).

I even gave him more than enough reason to black me and get away from me, yet he doesn't. Have a become a prize or something now that I'm not available for a relationship?

Well, going back to basics, think attachments with borderlines.  A borderline hates to lose any attachment, especially if he doesn't have a replacement attachment currently, so that would put him in pull mode, trying to reestablish the attachment or at least test it.  And mirroring is showing you the good he sees in you to affect an attachment yes, but also to subsume the good he sees in you as his own, to make himself whole, which could show up as soothed emotions, at least in the moment.  And yes, someone with an unstable sense of self who doesn't like themselves much is going to be whomever he needs to be in a given situation; it could be sincere in the moment, until the moment changes and he needs to be someone else, all part of the volatility.

I've read that borderlines are the most manipulative of the PD's, of course you'd have to be if you didn't like yourself much and are convinced everyone will leave you, you'd need to get good at workin' it, but you know him and his level of self awareness, and whether or not he's capable of calculated manipulation or is just responding to emotions.  My ex just knew what worked from repetition, funny really, she'd been through a stream of boy toys before we got together, and the things she tried on me, which surely worked on twenty somethings, were laughable to me.  Until it became clear that that's all there was.

And yes, just basic human, we tend to want what we can't have, and add the attachment thingy in there, and you might shine brightly on his radar.

[thisworld]

Hello Didionit,

Thank you for your thoughtful response, it means a lot to me. I can sense how what you described may be awaiting me. Also, I'm very sorry that you have had to go through all this. I hope things are going better for you.

FromHeeltoHeal, hi,

Thanks for putting things into perspective for me. I now understand the effects of mirroring on him (I had no idea) and can see what's happening. Your insight helps me a good deal because I have to keep things at a relatively civil level until a replacement shows up (luckily, he is working on it at his most "honest" state with me:)) and I have to find a balance that will prevent him from seeing me as a potential fallback. Between potential delusional vengeance and sticky love from his ex, this thisworld is trying to find her way:)) I've had a brief relationship and getting him out of my life safely seems to be taking longer than the relationship. Knowledge helps.

Thinking about it, I reckon I have found another reason why he started mirroring and "fell for me again all of a sudden" - this from the man who had just had a 180 degree change as soon as he learnt that I couldn't host him in my place anymore:)) On this particular day, I looked much better than I ever did when I lived with him - guess why- and received a lot of very clear compliments from strangers even. I think this increased my "value" in his eyes - how bad really, I lived with this man sharing everything I had. So, yes, I believe mirroring started because of my new "value" also. I'm so proud I'll die:))

Thanks again for your comment.