Watso21
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: February 13, 2016, 11:03:44 AM » |
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where do I start, this has been a long journey of ups & downs.
briefly, I met a young lady who helped me through an emotional time in my life.
no matter how many times I tried to chase her away, she simply would not quit.
This is the main reason I fell in love with Elaine, not as she thinks coz she was soft or anything, simply coz she would not quit on a broken man and made me feel real love again in my life, made me feel whole once more.
however, it was not to be, all this turmoil took its toll on her and she eventually left me.
The loss of her is what finally shook me to the core & made me realise what a fool I had been and how badly I had treat her.
oh I begged & pleaded to no avail, I had been replaced by this point & she wasn't coming back.
I never heard from her again for a while, but heard horrible things that were happening around her etc but couldn't do a thing, then after 6 month she got in touch. I was overjoyed, she told me how much she had missed me and we were together one more. but this wasn't the same Elaine…
this Elaine had a dark side to her, one that kept ending the relationship. if I loved too much I was overwhelming her and she ran. if I loved too little I was cold & she ran. nothing I could do seemed to be right, moods swings from hell, accusations galore, but still I hung in. I loved her.
I would constantly ask for us to be together properly & fully committed but never to receive any of it.
she would end it one day then want me back the next.
For a long time I blamed myself for this as I believed her mistrust in me was down to my own appalling behaviour when we first met, but I believed in her and us, this made me think she just needed time to see that this time, I was fully committed to her & totally in love.
over the following years, the arguments & accusations got worse, break ups, accusations, to the point it started to get violent. yet Still I loved her, still held hope, tho part of my belief that she would ever commit to me was dying.
Eventually, I lost all hope in us, not the love for her, that never ended but I was in constant pain and held no hope that we would ever make it work and told her this, told her I couldn't do it anymore and it was over. she told me she loved me that night but for me it was too late!
within a week of this, she was with a new man. to say I was crushed would be an understatement. it broke me!
I tried to get in touch but to no avail, she wasn't interested & had moved on, saying she hated me and would never think of me again.
in time I heard she moved in with man & that news alone was like a sledgehammer hitting me.
all those years I begged for commitment and this stranger got in within weeks.
the pain this caused me was immense and also made me feel worthless and no good as he did in weeks what I couldn't achieve in “years”. my confidence in myself hit an all time low from that point & I was always a very confident man. Not any more…
For nearly 3 year afterwards, I started to piece myself together again, very slowly, yet not one day went by that I did not think of her. I was unable to move on or even contemplate another relationship because no matter how much she hurt me, I still couldn't stop missing & loving her.
every now and then I would peek at her facebook page to see she was ok and all I ever found was more pain for myself as I would see happy couple pictures. In the end I had to stop looking for my own sake.
slowly tho still unable to be with anyone else, I became at ease and comfortable on my own
accepted things and found peace within myself at last.
Then after nearly 3 year, she reached out & without hesitation, I went running to her.
at first, tho I knew I still loved her, she told me how all the anonymous calls I had received for so long had been her wanting to hear my voice yet afraid to reach out, that she had regretted it instantly but seen no way back, thought I hated her for what she did etc.
I had no hesitiation forgiving her, but forgetting was going to take me some time & I knew this.
it wasn't long until the argument began again, tho this time it was mainly down to me. I struggled with a tattoo she had, the past, reminders in my face.
then there was another side, I was afraid to let her see just how much I still loved her for fear history would repeat itself.
But oh how I Hoped this time was the time we would make it & show the world we were right about each other all along.
then she announced she wanted children, that spooked me at first, coz that was a deep dream I had long let go of and wasn't ready for that till we made each other feel safe again.
tho secretly, that fire had started to light again & I wanted it.
but so much was going on in both our lives, I was dubious & afraid she would leave me again and this time take my children with her.
I needed time to think……
I told Elaine I had to work a lot and needed a few weeks to sort stuff out so would be able to see her till I sort it. this didn't go down too well. arguments etc.
so I cut all contact, not coz I wanted too, simply coz I needed to be sure before we slept together again, and I knew if I seen her, just one look from her and I wold want her & agree to anything, so I knew I needed distance for a week or two then I would know for sure for both our sakes before any children came along.
Now this is where is got difficult, for while I was alone I had started researching in Elaines depression & anxiety issues for ways I could help maybe & understand more.
What I discovered tho shocked and made me think hard about one of the most difficult decisions I would now have to make in my entire life & would decide my future once and for all.
while searching into Elaines current diagnosis I discovered the truth, depression & anxiety are only part of the symptoms and doctors struggle to correctly diagnose the real condtiton simply coz they only go by what the patient tells them.
Even medical files all state only the layman, not the medical professional will spot this condition simply coz only those they truly love and love them ie. parents or spouses, see the real them and don't have to ask questions. friends see only the face on show, the mask & smile, at most they hear the tale of woe but only the closest loved ones spot the signs coz they are the only ones they dont think they will ever lose the way a friend can come an go in life, only seeing now & then etc... and ony 1/5000 will bother to delve deeper and research more.
over the next month at least, I read every article I could on the subject I now believed was wrong with Elaine. 1000's of files. doctors journals, internet pages, top books in the field, joined sites for people whos partners have the same problem. spoke to many of them direct. so many said I should run for the hills, even psychiatrists page saying it scares even them coz it is one of the hardest things to have and is there for life, so unless it is your child, “RUN”
even talked one lovely old man from America who’s has been in my shoes for 35 years and his story was such, he could have been a fly on my wall. so muh so it was scary and he advised me to think long & hard. he had regrets & happy tales. but he told me most importantly.
Now you know, take time and think hard for this is the biggest decision you will ever make & it affects you whole life but also told me until I decide for sure I should not reach out as that could confuse the issue and create more problems for Elaine if I cannot stay.
tho he also told me if I did reach out, do not be surprised if your ignored for a long time as you have done the worst thing possible to someone with this condition - you abandoned them and they wont forget or forgive for a long time once your painted black in their eyes & the most common form of punishment for that & will confirm if your right will be the silent treatment tho she will be torn while also so angry at you, but her condition will not allow herself to see you made a mistake. she may even replace you for a a time but usually come back to the one they know loves & will support them most in life.
she will hide her desire for you & so you may or may not even have a choice but you still need to make it should you decide to stay.
so now my choice, do I walk away or do I commit for life to a possible never ending cycle of hurt, being painted black, being split at times.
the condition allows for no grey area, everything is black or white, right or wrong.
I am either perfect or the devil.
even tho I had already decided that I love Elaine so there is no choice, I decided to leave things alone as he said I could damage her more if I am not 100% certain and can change my way of thinking and my attitude to be there completely for her and supportive & loving even in the bad times.
that was a tough one for me coz I usually retaliate when confronted etc.
but in the end, I decided after many sleepless nights etc.
I love Elaine and always will,
if trouble is to be part of it, then so be it, better that than not have her at all.
they say True love is accepting everything about them even the bad.
well I accept it, I will never quit on her or stop loving her. so that's it. that's me in for life no matter what comes...
I am a very strong & for Elaine I would walk into hell to follow her, as long as I am with her.
however the old man was right - I reached out and she wont acknowledge me, maybe replaced me I don't know.
so now, here I sit, lost, confused and in pain once more!
I do know she wont find another man who will take all that, do all this research and I wuld be more amazed if she can find another willing to commit his life to this once he knows she cant be cured. who loves her as much as I always have.
but I must admit. tho I see now what I did wrong, I am human so can I deal with being replaced again if I make a mistake or say the wrong words.
the rest of the condition and what comes with it does not scare me, but that does.
all I know is for now, I am here waiting ,unable to reveal what I know and that the medication she is on will only ease it not cure her.
I know now what kinda of hell she is in, whats she feeling but I cannot say a word. if I tried I would simply look the crazy ex making stuff up... so I must remain silent, maybe forever more.
If she never returns again, my only wish is that someone somewhere eventually holds enough love for her to go out & find what I have now and will love her enough to step up and not run.
Tho secretly I hope she will return just not in years to come as this time took
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