Did I handle her "nice" advances OK?

[formflier]

So, last night she got back on her "you are not ok" thing, wanted me to "go see someone" etc etc.

I simply let her know that I have been seeing someone (a T) for a while.  She started pestering me with questions about how many times, who, etc etc.   I said that was my private information and would discuss/reveal it as I felt appropriate.

She then said since she was wife, she got to know, etc etc.  Here is part I doubt I handled right, we'll see what you guys think.  I said that I would be comfortable demonstrating the amount of openness with my medical records that she was, but I would no longer participate in a one side relationship.  

I didn't explain that, but she got the gist of it.  In the past, she would go with me to appointments because I was open and had nothing to hide.  She would say she was going, and she did go some, but that info was tightly controlled.  I finally saw the light when she got really angry and argued with a PhD type psychologist and then argued with me on the way home about PTSD.  She was insistent that I had a laundry list of things wrong and I went through an extensive testing regime to "rule out" all kinds of stuff.  

The PhD guy sat her down and basically said, it's PTSD and marital conflict that are affecting your hubby.  She was livid.

So, she and D19 head off to movie, I went to sleep early along with rest of the house.  I woke up when she came back and she slipped into bed with me.  Very snuggly.  She was sending off all the "let's have sex" signals.  I kept my arm around her, we talked about the movie for a bit.  It was nice snuggle and talk (about nothing in particular).

After about 15 minutes of that, she gets up.  I ask her about her plans for rest of evening.  "I've got to go take a shower"  She went upstairs to the kids bathroom, took a shower and I assume slept up there again.

So, in reality, with all the stuff going on, I had little interest in doing anything with her.  (I'll pause here for those that passed out to compose themselves, )

My thought, and what I would like comment on, is that I didn't want to overtly push her away, but I also didn't want to overtly pull her in.  To be honest, I didn't quite know what I would say if she directly asked me to have sex, luckily it didn't come to that.

Floor is open for comments.


FF

[formflier]

 

Second question or issue:

With agreements changing all over the place, they are a bit hard to keep up with.  For a couple weeks, the person that did not make dinner "leads the charge" on cleaning up after dinner. 

I cooked last night.  She took kids to basement for long play session and took daughter to movie.

Nothing in kitchen has been touched.

Do I ask her to do it?  I get it I shouldn't make an emotional scene about it.

FF

[Fian]

In your post I got a bit confused about past story and present time.  I believe last night you opted to not have sex with her.  That seems out of character for you.  What changed that made you to not want to have sex?  You had encouraged sex in the past month despite all of the issues.

[C.Stein]

My thought, and what I would like comment on, is that I didn't want to overtly push her away, but I also didn't want to overtly pull her in.  To be honest, I didn't quite know what I would say if she directly asked me to have sex, luckily it didn't come to that.

I have followed your saga on and off FF.  If you don't mind me asking, what is it you want out of this marriage?    Include as many details/information as you feel comfortable.

Nothing in kitchen has been touched.

Do I ask her to do it?  I get it I shouldn't make an emotional scene about it.

If the responsibility for cleaning up the kitchen is clearly known then I personally would do nothing.  Just leave them there and say nothing.

[sweetheart]

ff someone mentioned 'compromise' yesterday.

I'm going to mention it again. your w is working full-time?

Soo,

Your w was out at work all day.

Then spent time catching up with the children.

Then took daughter to a movie.

All really good, positive important stuff, what stopped you from just doing the dishes here, or delegating this to one of your children ?

Why do you think your w slept in the top room? It's kind of rhetorical, but I have to say it.

ff what's going on in all of this for you, how do you feel here?

[formflier]

ff someone mentioned 'compromise' yesterday.

ff what's going on in all of this for you, how do you feel here?

Feel worn out.  About to post the latest fireworks.

My decision is to enter a holding patter, pilot speak, until we can start counseling.  Perhaps there some form of effective communication something will take place.

But, feelings:  betrayed, unimportant, attacked, I could go on.

FF

[Daniell85]

Sorry your day is going so rough   

[sweetheart]

ff someone mentioned 'compromise' yesterday.

ff what's going on in all of this for you, how do you feel here?

Feel worn out.  About to post the latest fireworks.

My decision is to enter a holding patter, pilot speak, until we can start counseling.  Perhaps there some form of effective communication something will take place.

But, feelings:  betrayed, unimportant, attacked... .I could go on.

FF

  that's kinda what I thought on your feelings.

So  to going with the holding pattern until counselling sounds like a good idea.

[Ceruleanblue]

What is your reason for not wanting to have sex with your wife? I can tell you why BPDh and I haven't had sex in about two weeks, and that's because of how angry he's been, and how little positive interaction there has been. When he truly makes effort to "connect" emotionally i.e: talk to me, interact in a positive way, I'll be open to sex with him. I'm done having sex because I feel obligated, then feeling used, when he feels no obligation to be kind, or talk to me.

I'd have done the dishes in your position. Because things are so rocky in so many other areas, I try not to sweat the small stuff. I try to let little things roll off, or just take up the slack. I choose my battles, and dishes, for ME, wouldn't be one of them.

You know your situation better than anyone though. What was the reason for doing not delegating the dished to kid, or just doing them? Maybe even if it broke the "who does dishes rule", it would have been seen as a gesture of good will?

[Grey Kitty]

$.01: If you aren't particularly feeling like sex that night, then not being particularly enthusiastic seems genuine and OK by me. (Of course she may dysregulate over it, but she's gonna anyways most likely)

Allow yourself to respond the way that feels right to you, and pursue/initiate when it feels right to you.

$.01: Rules over dishes, agreements, etc.

You've had such poor luck with agreements that I would be reluctant to make them with her, and not bother trying to enforce what she previously agreed to. Assume that all agreements are written in sand below the high tide line, and try to act reasonably and generously on actual behavior, instead of worrying about rules.

Or expect that any rule is designed to be enforced upon you and not upon her. Know she thinks that way. Choose your battles.

(Again, not having agreements at all seems like the best choice if you can swing it)