stalemate situation-typical prognosis? steps forward? how to cope?

[cherryblossom]

 

Not posted for a while been living life the best I can

Can I just put context to this thread -ex BPD is now heavy drinking almost daily and it has been impossible to have a decent human heart to heart since August 2015 time -he ended things out the blue and just completed imploded and made it unsafe for me to carry on living with him... .after 2 1/2 years together

going back in December I posted about our 6 week reprieve -where I suggested me and my exBPD not speak for 6 weeks and make contact after that -he said he would be up for that -my ex BPD bday (12th Jan) was inbetween this -he tried to ring -I was driving -I texted to say I had deliberated but decided not to contact as he has ended relations with me so didn't seem appropriate-no reply -the 6 week mark went by -I didn't make 1st move to contact nor he so I left it at that... .(looking back I wonder if the text I sent on bday was confusing? he might have thought I meant contacting each other full stop was out of question now).

... .30th Jan I attended a bday party of a friend from the band me and my ex were in together -my ex was there -looking terrible -usually he is very well groomed person -he was not clean shaven -he had black eye, cuts on knuckles -I did not even recognise him he said my name as I walked in, he was having a cigarette outside -I did a double take - it threw me -I grumbled an "oh hello" and just walked in and started mingling -

There were enough people there to stay out each others way for first hour or so -he cornered me at one point to speak -he said something silly like the universe is infinity large -it will implode on itself -why cant I (meaning me) be nice? -I explained this is not the time or place to have this discussion -he did not make contact with me at 6 weeks mark to arrange proper conversation-does he not realize how much he has hurt me? and does he not respect my feelings and right to be bit off key? He then said that he was an evil person -that I should forget anything he said to me when we first met  - he freaked me out here -because at that point in time I was in a lot of pain still and was even questioning to myself whether he was actually a psychopath or not -so to hear him say he was evil in a really malevolent way to me actually frightened me -so I actually said to him "what are you trying to say that you are a psychopath?" (I regret this but id had couple drinks) -he said yes in that he cannot enjoy anything good... .

rest of night I felt very uncomfortable -he would sit nearby and purposely flirt with girls and keep looking over to me to see if I was looking and smiling sinisterly -I sensed it a lot and our eyes locked a couple times in these scenarios -at one point I was chatting to another male member of band -exBPD came over and said to the guy -if you try it on with my ex I will kill you -the guy has a bantery relationship with my ex BPD and laughed it off-but I looked at ex face and I knew he meant it -no joke -my exBPD also said loudly so I could hear to a couple who are our friends -"Oh she must be very special that's why you have stayed with her so long "  -like a dagger to my heart -------so my initial joy at finally seeing band friends again was snuffed out to black -I could not enjoy myself anymore -my female friend out of the couple noticed all this and supported me that night - everyone knows he has mh issues -he was actually telling everyone there he has BPD that night, I decided to leave -he also had decided to leave at that point -I went outside whilst my friend got my stuff-ex BPD came outside-he said he was sorry and that he is such a dick -I said I'm going now he could stay if he wanted -he said he was going to go

later that eve I texted him to thank him for his apology, that we both could have contacted each other to find out if both were going to go to that party, that I was sorry he was so down on himself -that everyone likes him and that I was home safe  (rescuer mode I know ;()  I got into a panic later and next day -messaged him again asking him -has he read up on BPD? does he know about projection and splitting black and white? etc... .I messaged our friend -messaged his sister about how worried I was about his state -my friend thinks he is near death as he is so imbalanced and just drinking to block out -he could get into all sorts of problems-I was in panic mode

I realised I was getting triggered into rescuer role -I took step back -his sister sent kind message -it is not our burden to carry he has access to tool and has been offered support from family which he chooses to decline

About 5 days later he replied to text simply -"yeah I know it's not your worry -have I seen the email from estate agent our deposit has been released"

I replied it was my worry I care about him -I dont want him to destroy himself -I don't know how he'l behave when our paths cross again etc... .and also replied about practical stuff

he totally overlooked any emotional stuff / connection seeking stuff and just replied about the practical flat stuff -he has since ignored or not replied to any emails from estate agent -he is somehow down as lead tenant so the deposit will go solely to him and it will be down to him to transfer my half to my account ... .


... .so here we are stale mate -he has the power to transfer £300 to me ... .he is not communicating with me -I did get very angry about it but am refusing to allow it to eat me up... .

I sent a message saying

"it seems like you are finding it hard to communicate with me right now, I will leave this with you until you feel ready to make contact with info or details. thanks" ---this was sent 11th Feb --no reply as of yet----

I read in the workshop section on here an article about the responses BPD people expect with their behaviour but subconciously hope they don't provoke i.e anger, guilt and helpless anxiety -all that he has managed to make me feel tons -and that the minute you respond this way you undo all the work to remain neutral before

STALEMATE!

How do I move on from this? -I still grieve for the loss of our relationship -i get tearful still (although not utter despair), I still feel a tremendous ammount of love -but I am realistic -he is not helping himself -he is drinking heavily-he does not seem willing to recover -or repair the relationship on any level

do I act as though he is dead-would that be easier? or pretend to myself that he is a soldier at war and I will never know if he will return safely so I have to move on?  Shall I accept the love feeling in my heart for him and tell myself I can love someone else even with the love for him?

It feels such a waste to have had such a special connection with someone for it to be just cut off so drastically -thing is if he is telling another man he will kill him because he was talking to me -I feel he will never be able to tolerate me being with someone else and being my friend-I just want the person back that must be in there still somewhere? I want some form of relationship reparation -that is the term given to BPD recovery -relational recovery -even if it means we will never get back together -but he is not even acting like a good friend -I miss his sense of humor and lovely side -will he ever get that back? is it gone forever? -what is the prognosis for someone with BPD in his position (or do I not want to know  :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

You are hurting and conflicted. I'm not sure what to say, but I do have one way of thinking that might help you, after reading this part.

STALEMATE!

How do I move on from this? -I still grieve for the loss of our relationship -i get tearful still (although not utter despair), I still feel a tremendous ammount of love -but I am realistic -he is not helping himself -he is drinking heavily-he does not seem willing to recover -or repair the relationship on any level

You love him and care about him.

You find watching what he's doing to himself horribly painful. (Not to mention the painful things he does to you when you are with him.)

These two things aren't opposites. They are both true. You can love someone completely and utterly... .and at the same time you cannot let that person near you or in your life, to protect yourself.

Is that how you are feeling?

[cherryblossom]

hi there

yes that is how I'm feeling - I do find it hard for those positions to coexist -it seems so senseless/dysfunctional-----I have that dynamic with my mum- I could really have done without it from the love of my life -there have been times when my mother who I think is uBPD has given me silent treatment over imagined slights etc... I've had to go nc with her many times

I don't understand when he knows how hard I find silent treatment that he would do it to me -he used to be a compassionate person

what is typically going on in someone with BPDs head in this type of scenario?

why did he say he did want to talk after 6 weeks but not contact me?

why purposely hurt me when he split with me -what is the anger about? -is it misdirected?

why contact me about the deposit money then go silent? what is that about typically?

could someone with BPD hypothetically turn things round if they wanted to in the state he is in? has it gone to far now? should I be on detaching from wounds board really? what would indicate a olive branch from his perspective?

he is behaving to me in ways which his dad behaves to him -he was always against that behaviour -how can he now be ok with acting like it? is it the drink complicating things?



also can you please encourage some of the other senior members to respond as well with their insights / tips on this scenario

many thanks 

[cherryblossom]

Got a text today saying that sorry but he thinks an internet provider bill may have come out my account which should have been from his and to let him know and he'll pay straight back no mention of the deposit - i texted thank u for letting me know il check and get back and ne news on deposit?

No answer as of yet

Whats this about?

[cherryblossom]

Is this him taking steps to repair relationship?

[Grey Kitty]

cherryblossom, you asked a whole bunch of questions in the form of "what does he mean when he does 'X'"

Those are very valid questions, and I'm a little short on time right now, so I'm going to give you a short general answer.

1. He's mentally ill. He does weird irrational things that drive you crazy.

2. There are general patterns to it. He gets some kind of payoff for these behaviors, so he keeps doing them.

3. (Most importantly) You can learn a lot more about this if you read more. I learned a LOT about this when I first showed up in these forums and read the Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship

And feel free to post a topic, here or on the Improving board about any one of those questions--They are all good questions.

The other thing I want to tell you, which is probably more important than figuring out what he is doing, why, or what it means... .is to really focus on yourself and what it means for you.

Whether his treatment of you makes any sense or not, you still have to personally live with it. How do you feel about these things?